Ughhh

I do not feel well. It's been a weekend of blah feeling not quite well enough to go do something but not sick enough to wave the sick flag. I am hoping I should take this as a sign my body is fighting off whatever disgusting cooties I probably picked up on the bus.

The Golden Globes were interesting...I was cringing at the layout of the tables...seeing skinny ppl struggling to move their way through the maze of tables and chairs to get on stage as a big fail in my opinion...do these organizers not know better by now? People felt rushed to get on stage so they were running in heels and dresses ffs b/c it took so long to reach the stage. And the Woody Allen tribute. Blechh. I am not a fan of Woody Allen movies or Woody Allen's weirdness. Taking nudie pictures of your wife's adopted daughter that you were a step father to for 12 years is gross. It is even grosser when you marry her, making your biological son your brother in law. Gross. All of these bizarre boundary issues make it very believable that he also allegedly molested a younger adopted daughter...so yeah. Gross. Diane Keaton's acceptance speech was something else...I was distracted by her amazing gray hair....I FUCKING LOVED HER HAIR...but that speech....save it sister...not interested. Her hair reminds me of my Aunty Pam's....all perfectly gray and shimmery, thick and long....if you ever go shorter Aunty Pam - this is your haircut!!

I spent an hour looking through apartment ads yesterday. That is how I sooth myself sometimes, looking at new apartments and imagining how all my shit would fit into one and how it would be awesome to have laundry in my apartment again....and no assholes above me. Sigh.

Heading to Powell River the weekend of Feb 1st. Miss A will be gone for her b'day (hmmmf) so I thought since my friend Sarah was heading up there I would go along and spend the day with Riley on his 1st birthday that she shares with Miss A. I will only be there a day and a half so he probably wont have enough time to warm up to me but that is ok...I am sure Mags will have a little party planned and it will give me a nice visit with the whole family :)

Political unrest in Thailand....seriously...stop it already. Do not shoot my kid!

I want to order pizza extremely bad right now. I would except with my half sick-belly that would be a terrible idea. Terrible....terribly tasty nasty........mmmmm.
It is already 740 pm ffs. Ok I just ordered a pizza. Idiot. Online ordering is the shit. For real. Maggie would be in her glory to never have to call and talk to order pizza...

Randamonium

 Omg...best meal ever...a 50.00 steak, a 9.00 baked potato and 8.00 green beans...Best beans on the earth...no joke...I am not even fond of green beans but these little delicate tendrils of drooly goodness were like something out of a supernatural cookbook they were so delicious...if you are ever in Vegas and want a steak go to Gallagher's in the NY NY Hotel.

 The lovely Catherine Greenwood - Poet Extraordinaire (who sits next to me at work mumbling and cursing to the delight of my virginal ears) has a new book out (THE LOST LETTERS) and yours truly managed to snap a few good pics of her at the graveyard that made the cut for her author picture... :)

Just hanging in a helicopter...no big deal...

Reluctant Breeder

Words spoken by my Aunty Pam about 18 yrs ago have been echoing through my head all week....esp last night and this morning....b/c I finally truly understand it. I didn't at the time b/c my girl was still little and lovely and the apple of my eye (whateverthefugg that means)...she said if she could go back and choose again she would have no children...not regretting having the 2 she had at all...but knowing the pain, struggle and agony involved in loving someone more than yourself...she would opt out faced with the choice. I get it...I finally truly get it and would make the same choice.

A. landed in Quito last night at 945pm...I assumed I would get a msg from her from the hostel as she was being fetched from the airport by someone at the hostel....but I heard big fat nothing...so I assumed then it was just so busy and crazy and she hadn't slept the night before she was just tired and crashed....I have emailed the hostel...left a msg at the hostel and just now called the hostel and got a person on the phone who spoke no English...so I cannot even confirm she is there. She flies out to Manta at 1245pm her time (1045 am here)...so all I can do is sit here hoping that she will msg me before her flight or at the very least when she lands with her friends...this is seriously fucking disgusting. I have no idea how other ppl deal with this shit but all I know is I.........

 <<INSERT AWESOME FACEBOOK MESSAGE BLERP SOUND HERE>>

7:33 am: Thank you flying spaghetti monster...all is good with the sprog...she got in late to the hostel and everyone was asleep so she went to bed...she messaged me and we chatted on FB before she left for her taxi to the airport to fly to Manta to meet Niamh and Dylan...I will really feel 1000x better once they are all together.

Not gunna lie...Ativan is very disappointing...perhaps it takes the edge off during a "panic attack" I don't know...but it did shit all for me Sunday....made me a little subdued but it was hardly a magical cure for real feelings which is what I was going for...I guess heroin is always an option in desperate times. Hopefully I will never become that desperate to turn my brain off.

The last 2 days have been so emotional and stressful on top of the last few weeks of impending doom...I am considering becoming a weed smoker...and exploring exactly how one is supposed to conquer the only real fear they have....? How do you surrender to that...? How do you get to a place where it doesn't take hold of your whole psyche and suck the logic and life force from you? Fear is the mind-killer....no truer words have ever been written or spoken.

Surrender...must study the art of true surrender over things you cannot control...and prevent being eaten alive by my own fear and psychological decrepity/decrepency (new words a la Jen? haha) Time to relax...maybe sleep even finally....a good stretch of sleep might make all the difference in the world to me right now.

BE GOOD TO MY BABY ECUADOR!

Tattoo Cover Up: STEP ONE (Before & After)

Grad day snacks with Ayla & Kelly

Uncle Jimmy

AUNTY PAM BEFORE: The 80's pegasus/unicorn nightmare...

AUNTY PAM AFTER: 2.5 hrs for the outline only

AUNTY PAM AFTER: Outline only...a few more appts for the shading and coloring...looks so good already...that unicorn is HISTORY thanks to Shawzy @ EMPIRE TATTOOS in Victoria, BC

didn't i already tell you to fuck off?

It was like winning the lottery...I had to go clothes shopping b/c im just a natural slob and wear black tshirts all the damn time and apparently managers are not supposed to look slobby (as if!) so....i took a few hundred bucks and went and did the evil deed....then when all was said and done i get to the till and scratch a 50% off ticket WOOOO frikkin HOOOOOO i nearly peed in my pants! I was so excited it never occured to me to go buy more stuff DUH! ended up saving 120.00! So i got new sandals with the savings since my old ones stunk so bad it was OFFENSIVE!

Looks like the plans for Aunty Pam to move to Nanaimo are in motion....shes got her place rented out (Kelly) and ive got dibs on her bread machine hahahaha

im really quite excited for her and Jim....such a COOL adventure for ppl in their station in life to make such a bold move, I LOVE IT!

Work, well....my new hire QUIT...and the last hope I had with an interview this morning cancelled b/c she got a job so....FUCK.

The problem is there is a ton of work right now...so ppl have options and choice and are getting hired fast so we seem to be losing ppl due to the wait time for interviews etc so im gunna try to deal with that this month and see what comes up....

ugh

In other news...a retard idiot I used to go out with has reared his ugly head on Facebook (Guess who Deanna?) ~ He is still so sadly predictable it is amusing and his attempts to shmoose me are blatant and laugh-worthy...I wont add him as a friend so he just keeps emailing me, firing up conversation....then I shoot him down and a few days later he tries again hahaha

Im such a loser magnet.

everyone can go suck it!

aunty pam is home....yay...although I called her last night and she was already on the phone so I haven't got to talk to her yet...

i will try her tonight after my 11 hr shift. (insert bitterness here)

have i mentioned lately i detest my job?

audit wasn't so hot.

my part time employee who has recently given her notice bc she got a gov't job (as u can imagine she couldn't give a shit about an audit) was asked a lot of questions and bombed most of them.

fucking great.

and this morning i get to go to work early and interview someone WITH MY BOSS (fuckin kill me now) observing...i hate interviewing ppl on a good day.

but whatever...all i gotta do is live til April 3rd/jump on a train and then I'm FUCKING GONEEEEEEEEEEEE for 9 days and i don't care if the shithole burns down in my absence....

im sorry i have nothing of value or substance to share but my head is in a very ugly headspace...u know the one where you can sit and cry for no reason just cuz...im premenstrual and miserable all at the same time...bad combo.

Maureen...im so sorry about your sister and wee nephew Tanner.... :o( what a sad disappointment and loss, i hope u are all doing as well as u can be over there...

I think I want a morphine drip button for xmas

Sounds like Aunty Pam is doing well with her morphine drip button...although I'm told shes in excruciating pain and is scared to take a sleeping pill cuz then she wont wake up to give herself some drugs and she will wake up DRUG FREE and feel HIDEOUS.

Logical to me.

It is always so weird to sleep in a hospital, I have only been in the hospital once, overnight and that was after i spit out the offspring and i didn't sleep either.

Too much traffic, nurses in and out, noises etc.

Anyway she is in for a long time of recovery sadly but at least its all taken care of and that aspect of it all isn't looming over every ones head, especially her own.

Wish I could be there now...I hate hearing everything 2nd hand...sometimes u just have to see someone for yourself to know they are ok....you know? I am looking fwd to going there April 3 and seeing her for myself...and getting a week to hang with her and visit.

Maggie will be calling me later this AM with an update as well so....that's good.

I am so relieved about all this stuff that I am only MILDLY irritated that there was no survivor this week and a few other shows i like aren't on bc of this basketball bullshit on CBS...bastards.

Today is Friday...I just gotta get through today...then on Saturday I'm gunna do laundry and go for a walk or 2 and THAT'S ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will make Ayla a roast chicken as well...

Spring Break all next week...Ayla will be at home reading MULTIPLE french books shes been avoiding for school all year thus far. I cant wait to hear that whine-fest.

She is going to get a haircut on Sunday...at a fancy salon...so shes all pumped and scared at the same time...im sad shes inherited the social retardation this family is plagued with.

I had a totally hot sex dream last night....it started off with my gay friend Shawn which was just ODD....but then I was with Irish actor Stephen Rea <--click it (u remember FERGUS from THE CRYING GAME???)

and it was something else lemme tell you hahahaa Whenever I see him in a movie now its gunna like like we are old pals hahaha

SHARKWATER <--click that if u haven't heard about it...is out this month...cant WAIT to see it...

it is the INCONVENIENT TRUTH for the sharks I'm told...but as someone who saw Jaws too young (Bunny, you are so coming to see it with me) and spent her childhood scared whilst swimming in a damn POOL for fear a shark would eat me this is something I am feeling drawn to...I know logically they are not the monsters that my child mind created when I was 10 but its really interesting how that fear-based shit never seems to leave you...

Anyway - it looks like its going to be good...I hope it is well received by the masses and at least starts ppl talking about it.

Still wanna go see 300 too but the movies been so popular i have been waiting for it to chill out b4 i go see an afternoon showing

hahaha its funny like I talk like I have MONEY or something hahaha

Look who turns 29 today...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUNTY PAM!

I googled PAM today, see below:

today we get an audit...

today i will eat a lot of cookies.

today i will get soaked going to work bc the wind is blowing like a mofo.

today my kid irritated me b4 leaving 4 school with her lip and her crappy music blaring from her MP3 player.

today i am dieing to have oatmeal but I have no milk except the inch of now yogurty looking milk in the fridge

today i just looked and child tax credit was deposited early so i can buy MILK yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

today is one day b4 aunty pam comes to visit! wooooohooooooooooooooo

today it is pissing rain and i clearly wont bother making my hair look nice

today im wondering if i should go in b4 xmas and get a haircut, get bangs and more layers etc...ive been pondering a while on that one...