Reluctant Breeder

Words spoken by my Aunty Pam about 18 yrs ago have been echoing through my head all week....esp last night and this morning....b/c I finally truly understand it. I didn't at the time b/c my girl was still little and lovely and the apple of my eye (whateverthefugg that means)...she said if she could go back and choose again she would have no children...not regretting having the 2 she had at all...but knowing the pain, struggle and agony involved in loving someone more than yourself...she would opt out faced with the choice. I get it...I finally truly get it and would make the same choice.

A. landed in Quito last night at 945pm...I assumed I would get a msg from her from the hostel as she was being fetched from the airport by someone at the hostel....but I heard big fat nothing...so I assumed then it was just so busy and crazy and she hadn't slept the night before she was just tired and crashed....I have emailed the hostel...left a msg at the hostel and just now called the hostel and got a person on the phone who spoke no English...so I cannot even confirm she is there. She flies out to Manta at 1245pm her time (1045 am here)...so all I can do is sit here hoping that she will msg me before her flight or at the very least when she lands with her friends...this is seriously fucking disgusting. I have no idea how other ppl deal with this shit but all I know is I.........

 <<INSERT AWESOME FACEBOOK MESSAGE BLERP SOUND HERE>>

7:33 am: Thank you flying spaghetti monster...all is good with the sprog...she got in late to the hostel and everyone was asleep so she went to bed...she messaged me and we chatted on FB before she left for her taxi to the airport to fly to Manta to meet Niamh and Dylan...I will really feel 1000x better once they are all together.

Not gunna lie...Ativan is very disappointing...perhaps it takes the edge off during a "panic attack" I don't know...but it did shit all for me Sunday....made me a little subdued but it was hardly a magical cure for real feelings which is what I was going for...I guess heroin is always an option in desperate times. Hopefully I will never become that desperate to turn my brain off.

The last 2 days have been so emotional and stressful on top of the last few weeks of impending doom...I am considering becoming a weed smoker...and exploring exactly how one is supposed to conquer the only real fear they have....? How do you surrender to that...? How do you get to a place where it doesn't take hold of your whole psyche and suck the logic and life force from you? Fear is the mind-killer....no truer words have ever been written or spoken.

Surrender...must study the art of true surrender over things you cannot control...and prevent being eaten alive by my own fear and psychological decrepity/decrepency (new words a la Jen? haha) Time to relax...maybe sleep even finally....a good stretch of sleep might make all the difference in the world to me right now.

BE GOOD TO MY BABY ECUADOR!