Happy Fartmas & the gift of all gifts...

CEDAR aka SANTA

Christmas is a weird time of year. I always have this odd level of anticipation leftover from childhood. This year is my 1^st Xmas without Miss A. She is up with the family in Powell River…I am staying in Victoria with my sister. Kim (sister) and I are renting a fancy hotel suite Xmas eve, should be fun…food, swimming pool and hot tub. Last night Miss A told me that she was going to The Zoo (PR's scumbag watering hole) with her friend Tayla who is also home for xmas...they were little bastards together as children...looking forward to the stories about the shenanigans though I had a missed call on my cell from Miss A at about 1230 am...not sure what that is about...

This year I got a package in the mail that kind of messed with my head a little…mostly in a nice way. My good friend Deanna passed away earlier this year and she was always quite thoughtful and lovely around the holidays or birthdays. I could always count on a little parcel of goodies from her, personalized and clearly of things she had been collecting with me in mind. This year I received a package from Mike and Jordyn, her husband and daughter…inside was a note from Jordyn saying Deanna’s gift cupboard had a bunch of things that were clearly for me so they wrapped them up and mailed them down. As you can imagine, this gift from the grave was beyond emotional…gnome soap, bottles of Amber Glow incense, a sock monkey in PJs, a book about neurosis’ (haha), etc…you get the picture. It was a lovely scene, Miss A and I blubbering like big dumb babies at the kitchen table. Even the Xmas card was a handpicked gem. Such a wonderful thing for Mike and Jordyn to do…I know the whole family is still drowning in grief, she was the pillar of that family, keeping everything together and her being gone is devastating to every one of them. For them to be able to do this for ME while they still struggle with the loss of her was incredible. It really blew my mind. Feeling extra bad for them all over the holidays. Deanna was the driving force behind xmas in their family, this 1st xmas without her is sure to be extremely difficult.

CEDAR the FART KILLER

It has been a tough year on old Powell River friends…Deanna passed…then Mark Hamilton. He had been battling an evil bastard of a brain tumor for many, many years so his death was almost a bit of a relief in ways…it could not have been pleasant to see him in the condition he was in and I would imagine he was a little battle weary. They made this [CLICK HERE] amazing video tribute to him that sucked me right in, felt like I was watching a movie about his life, did not want it to end. I was a beautiful tribute.

Last week Paul Fairclough died. Like I said, I think my Powell River friends should be a bit worried because it seems a bit epidemic. 43 is not old enough for all this death and carnage.

Things at home are settling in. Mary is still staying here, Cedar arrived yesterday and I can see him being here with her just improved her mood and decreased her stress level immensely. Someone will be bringing her son Austin down xmas eve so they will be having xmas eve and xmas morning here...

Shawn should be here at some point over the next few days...

Xmas will be a pile o' weirdness this year...with Miss A being away and the nasty atom bomb farts that we all have nightmares about that Cedar drops on the regular. ha.

Smattering of Blatheriness

Today is Deanna's service in Powell River...let the collective sigh of defeat and grief begin. I am extremely impressed that her niece Kori is doing the main eulogy...Kori will do her some justice for certain. If I was less of an emotional cripple I would have gone back myself...no excuses...I just cannot bare such raw emotion in public...feeling it or seeing others experiencing it...

Yesterday was spent rearranging a few rooms around which ate the whole effing day to today I choose to putter, cook and then go to the gym after dinner when it will be dead...maybe I will try a treadmill with a TV...might even try the steam room...though I am sure I wouldn't last long.

The Y change room experience is always a total trip...I have always been pretty modest so it amazes me that ppl use the change room like their own person washrooms. I feel like such an alien in there...there is boob and muff EVERYWHERE and I try to go about my business but fml if I am not constantly distracted by all the blatant nudity.

Fake Boob/Fitness Model Lady especially...I am in awe of those strange gravity defiant boobs of hers...it is like they are being suspended by marionette strings...a mind of their own...UNTIL SHE BENDS OVER....when she leans over and the fake boob falls fwd it creates this bizarre pucker...like gathered curtains underneath. No one should see that...it looks too freaky.

I think I have a bit of a flow there now though....I have to sit in the lounge area in front of a fan for 15 mins after I am done to cool off so my brain can actually form thoughts again...I have never sweat so much in my life...it is so gross...I actually thought someone was spraying me with water the other day but it was just my own sweat gushing into my shoe. So gross...there will be no getting away with wearing a gym shirt more than once.

Miss A. was not extended at work....most ppl would be sad about this...but not her...she was smiling and already booked herself a ticket to Ecuador/Peru for 2 mths. She leaves Mar 23....returning May 22. Her 2 friends are already there and shes been moping and blah since they left last month so...shes suddenly skipping around, happy as can be. Today she is going to MEC to buy the perfect backpack and waterproof hiking shoes since she will be living out of a backpack for 2 months.

Why do I sound so calm you ask...? Well I am not...I am sickened at the thought of all that can go wrong when I am not in the vicinity to fix it...BUT....I also realize she is 19 and is going to do what she wants so all I can do is help her be as prepared as possible and try to shut my brain off. Ultimately I am happy she is going b/c it will be a life altering experience...one I want her to have...I WANT this for her..I always have wanted her to do the things like this...from the time she was a baby....I wanted her to get the travel bug...b/c I know if you do not do that stuff while you are young (due to finances, responsibilities, neurosis etc) you may never get to so do it while the getting is good. Really shitty things happen to ppl at home or abroad so...I have to remind myself that she is smart and I have brainwashed her thoroughly to trust no one...

Deanna

My lovely Deanna...

I write this with tears running down my face...my lovely friend Deanna died this morning and I have just gotten home from work and can finally lose myself in the utter sadness of her being gone.

It seems so fucking unfair - knowing her heart like I did - to know she is gone and did not get to finish things she had been working so hard towards.

To most anyone who knew her she was a selfless, kind, generous, funny and lovely human. Beautiful soul. The last few years were rough for her...she was dealing with a lot of personal issues and going through a transformation of sorts....a transformation that was confusing and not near complete. I am sad for her that she won't get to enjoy a little inner peace that comes from getting to "that" place at the end of a long, hard journey.

Deanna was an amazing mother to her daughter Jordyn - her demeanor and kind nature were something I always aspired to and failed miserably at. Deanna was so completely dedicated doing the best for Jordyn and sacrificing so much to ensure Jordyn grew into a mature, well adjusted young lady - it saddens me to think of all that Deanna will miss out on...and in turn the massive void left for Jordyn and Deanna's husband Mike to try to live with.

This was so not part of the plan...so many things left unsaid and unexplored in life...

So many wonderful memories of her astounding friendship...not many ppl will drop everything and take 2 ferries to rescue a friend after the US border cops refuse your friend entry to the USA and then drive that friend (me!) 3 hours across the border to ensure your holiday plans are not ruined....and without even being asked. I will miss her terribly.

My heart goes out to Jordyn, her husband Mike, niece Kori and Jeff, who she took in and cared for when he needed it most - and the rest of her family and friends who will surely feel the this loss for years to come...RIP Deanna xo