just call me...LOU FERRIGNO

Isn’t it sad now that when you call a company and speak to ‘customer service agent’ that it is due diligence to call back again and speak to a different agent to insure you were given the correct information? When wait times on the phone can be horrendous this chronic customer service failure that plagues us all is REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.

Ayla’s grad pics came...and of course the agent I spoke to was a big dumb liar a-hole and the touch up was not done and for 370.00 I do not want to see chapped lips (full hair and makeup and Ayla forgot her chap stick ffs...don’t worry I got her lots for her birthday)...so I call knowing already that I simply send them back on their dime and they redo them...only I get told that touch up requires another 28.00 HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA By now I have a good sense of humour about this and just laugh...rather manically I am sure...but laugh I did. I don’t even care b/c I am in so deep now who cares hahahaha plus they are FANTASTICALLY BEAUTIFUL so...it is worth it.

Ayla’s 18 tomorrow... YAY! YAY! YAY! I am being a mean mom and making her wait til dinner to have her pressies. We are going for dinner...the 2 of us...restaurant was up to her...so it looks like it’ll be 5th Street Bar & Grill or San Remos. Pretty low key...

I am now a fan of the UNDERWORLD movie series....saw all 4 this weekend and lurve em...not sure why I never saw them before...flew under my radar I guess...cute vampire chicks in gothy get ups are awesome b/c that means hot vampire hybrids etc are in the vicinity! Pure escapism.

Well...It is OUT...cousin Maggie is expecting another bambino! YAYYYYYYYYY!! Ayla & I are super excited for her & David....and Squid of course who will get to be a big brother sometime around September. EXCITING EXCITING EXCITING!

My teeth are still not near normal but the worst has passed so now it’ll likely drag on forever at this half assed ok/so not ok stage...nothing fatal...just another common annoyance in life that makes you sigh long and loud.

I spent yesterday with Kate....we saw a weird movie (HAYWIRE), ate too many scones and ate too much bread and popcorn...hung out while we both displayed our fantastic sewing skills (good lord)...dreamt about winning the lottery...tonight I am gunna go dine with an old co-worker and eat some Vietnamese food (not dogs)...

Bacon Xmas Tree Ornaments

Jan 25 2012 007, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

omg....these are SO awesome...Sarah came over and we crafted and even though it took a few hrs to make these retarded things...I will make more while watching tv in the evenings I think....(You can tell which one I made b/c I was stoned and my fatty strips are going BACKWARDS hahaha)

I am just SO cultured...

...sitting here listening to Beethoven via cellos and piano while the wind batters the shit out of side of my bldg. Beethoven helps me mouth right now...at least that's what I keep saying over and over as my mantra b/c quite honestly I am that desperate. It has occurred to me that 2 yrs ago when this tooth issue arose after getting a big/deep filling (I wish I meant that as dirty as it sounds) that I probably required a root canal...esp. since 2 yrs later - thought it improved - I still couldn't eat on that side of my mouth....now that its been drilled and refilled its awoken the nerve that took me 2 yrs to get tolerable...I should go in and tell her to either RC it or yank it...but...the thought of anyone going near it makes my butt hole pucker. I am really hoping in the next 2 weeks if I favor the shit out of it and stick to really soft food it will settle enough so that I am not going out of my mind. As it stands...when it's ringing (that is how I refer to it when it makes every tooth in my mouth feel like they are electric and someones dumped water on them) it is hard to not punch myself in the face repeatedly...this is hard to deal with at work...when I leave it I make so many mistakes b/c I can't think...when I drug myself I actually don't make mistakes but I am going at a snails pace which is REALLY weird.

Anyhow...fuck this tooth business.......................

Last night Tara and baby Issac came over for dinner and a visit...he is a precious little bugger...I fed him a bottle which was really weird but I just faked it and in my mind I was nursing him...is that weird? Probably - whatever. HAHA! He is cute as a button...& Tara brought me a disco bath duck so it was a good night all around!
Tomorrow night Sarah is coming over and we are doing a NEW craft...a craft I have been wanting to do for some time in some capacity so................it is gunna be FUN! Plus Sarah is always nice to visit with...even if your face is ringing via the Bell of Toothed Death. I am really unimpressed with burning thought my T3 stash...I like saving those for...well times like this...but...you know...I hate using them! I like knowing that they are there...in case my gallbladder haunts me....j/k

I have a funny Nickelback story to share but I don't feel like it right now...another time...but the cat story I am up for....
I noticed the cat was meowing and begging for food when there was still a few bits of kibble in her bowl...so I was trying to get her to eat it...by leaving it there and not filling the bowl...didn't work. Then I added a few fresh ones and mixed it all in in hopes she would chow it all down. Nope. I tried refilling it but then SURE AS SHIT when it was time to refill she left 10 pieces of kibble again and would not actually empty the bowl...so I thought maybe it was the bowl so I got rid of it and put her food on a little plate...(it looks weird I know) but she still would leave 10 pieces of gawd damn kibble on the plate........................WHAT THE HELL!? I am no stranger to power struggles...I live with a teenage girl...so...what the hell though? I don't REALLY care if the cat leaves a bit of food...perhaps she has all along and I just decided to notice this week...? I dunno but I said screw it to the campaign to get the cat to eat 10 kibbles and just have been refilling her bowl regardless of their presence...personally I think the cat was just mind-fucking me on purpose for kitty kicks.

Windy City Tonight

Attractive isn't it...? Dental dams are the DEVIL.

The wind is shaking the whole bldg tonight...Not sure how bad they are out there but they are impressing me in here...inside in the warmth...

My dental nightmare is complete for this round but it will take a few days to have my face feel ok I suspect...I won't bore you with the sad story of my nerve issues on the upper left side of my mouth but I will tell you - next time...if I need anything else done to either of those 2 back molars I am demanding they get pulled b/c the nerve issues - I am done with that shit.

I did find it amusing that I asked for a dbl dose of freezing and it ended up going up into my eye...hahah FROZEN EYE IS WEIRD. Also - a noteworthy piece of advice...1 hr and 50 mins of being upsidedown in a dentists chair renders you completely unable to walk properly for 10 mins.
The dentist asked me how I felt and I was honest and said "It feels like I just gave birth out of my mouth." That was a new one for her.

Last night Ryan McMahon was in town...it is always nice to see him and Cathleen...I effing LURVE Cathleen...she is just one of those people you WANT to know...Ryan sounded good and his percussion pal Mitch was fab. CAJON's are awesome....if you have never seen/heard one before it's a box drummers sit on and play like drums only it's just a box they tap and such...Mitch has designed his own called the 'MitchSlap' and it sounds pretty incredible esp with all the gadgets he uses for effects - every area of the box is rigged inside for a different sound...you can check it out here...



Great show! I love it...

Can't believe my sprog is going to be 18 in a week or so...HOW WEIRD! We are going to go for sushi on her b'day...me, Pam and Maggie got her 4 mths of unlimited yoga for her b'day so she is STOKED...I have a few other things for her but they are for the day of her b'day.
She went up to an orientation/info session at Camosun College the other night...checking things out...still undecided but getting prepped to make some choices in the next year... :o)

Stay tuned for my CAT SHOWDOWN.

I feel like I just gave birth through my mouth...

I hate the dentist.
She makes me feel bad EVERY.TIME.I.SEE.HER.
Not just b/c she blathers on with the assistant about her yoga, spin and Pilates classes...or b/c she has perfect skin...she meddles with my mouth chi.
I am no longer frozen but my mouth is killing me...so I am going to sleep b/c I do not want to be conscious for this...if it turns out I cannot sleep...
I will be back.
And you will all be sorry.

Soap

Ayla bought me a bar of soap today from Lush.

It smells of roses and almonds.

It smells CREAMY if you can begin to imagine what I mean by that....

Nice girl...buying her mommy soap.

The Dill Conspiracy

What is going on with taste buds when you bite into a chicken sandwich and get the wild taste of wasabi when you are 100% sure nothing about your sandwich came into contact with wasabi? So weird. It is like my problem with mint tea...I can’t drink it anymore...all I SMELL is dill pickles when I drink it. I love dill pickles but I don’t like dill pickle tea. I have never been in love with mint...toothpaste is disgusting and so are most of the alternatives...aside from the RED Cinnamon Close Up brand...I guess mint and I were not meant to be... ::sigh::

We have this really annoying courier who comes in daily...it’s like he should be a creepy camp counsellor...when we sign for the package he says “WELL DONE!” like we are potty training and just poo’d in the toilet for the 1st time ever. He is uber annoying positive cheerleader guy “HAVE A GREAT DAY!” - “WELL DONE!” – “FANTASTIC!” – “THAT’S SUPER!”...needless to say no one can stand him...I like to mess with him & make him uncomfortable by being as inappropriate as I can get away with professionally...he was in one day and there was also a really cute young (16) Venezuelan student in here who I was helping and I made a point to say in front of her to him “Stare much?” and then giggled a little...he was mortified and I was pleased b/c she didn’t know English well enough to catch on but he did not know that. Bahahahah! (Bad person I know)

I would kill a bunny wearing a cute bow tie for a nap right now...this morning I got up at the usual 5:30 am and went straight to the couch to nap until 6:15...fuggggg man I am dragging ass. I wish I had a cot in my cubicle...I could probably lay on the floor and have a really good nap but...I’d have to be desperate to lay on this nasty carpet.

It was bound to happen...right?

After coming to the conclusion I am in a stagnant emotional realm of stuckidity (I made that word up) it seems clear too much time has been wasted being angry and pissed off and living life full of regret and personal limitations. It has become obvious that there is much work to be done. How does a person simply release 40 years worth of rage so it doesn’t continue eating from within? It’s not like there is a little pressure release valve where I could slowly let some of it go...so what can I do to create my own little release valves? {I am typing completely spontaneously and have no idea where my brain is about to go}

I am not going to document my ideas here b/c then it seems like it is a signed contract...gawd knows just b/c I know what to do to improve my life doesn’t mean I have the skill, incentive or emotional health to carry it out...at least that has been how it has been. The crook of it is I see quite clearly while looking ahead at the next year or 2 that if I do not shake my branches and scare out the old yet familiar dysfunctional squirrels that are roosting in my psyche – it will be my doom. Doom meaning ZERO PROGRESS.

I do not really want any advice so please don’t feel compelled to send me a list of books on spirituality b/c then I won’t want to be your friend anymore (haha)...I am simply opening myself up to being truly mindful about where I am at and looking into how I can ease the floundering that has become consistent with who I am in my head.

This is not going to be a simple transition by any means...having talked with Connie about this last night and feeling myself getting really emotional about where I am within myself  (I seldom react this way with friends though I have a mutual trust with Connie that is unequaled in any of my relationships so it makes sense that I can go to such places with her)...A consistent thought in my mind has plagued me for many years...I was in counseling about 12ish yrs ago and during an appointment I was asked a simple question and my reaction speaks volumes. I was asked “who has hurt you the most in your life?” – Easy question...right? Well...no. Not really - judging from how I reacted...my reaction being NO REACTION – outwardly anyway.

I was paralyzed. Unable to speak...unable to flee. I was like a drugged person conscious but unable to move limbs or talk...I sat there making the silence more uncomfortable for me by the millisecond...not a sound could leave my lips...it seems like FOR-FUCKING-EVER. Having picked up on this, the counsellor made note by saying I needed to be mindful of this reaction and eventually moved on...and mindful I have been. It is not my nature to be speechless...or not have something to say even if I don’t know what to say...I think ti was the wording...if she had asked me who has pissed me off the most in my life I could have gone on for an hour just to start. But 'hurt' is a vulnerability I clearly like to avoid.

Everybody gets fucked over and hurt in the process of growing up & living life – it is part of being human and interacting with other humans...I am not some sort of special victim of this by any means...I have not experienced war-time torture or heinous sexual abuse at the hands of a perverted clown or anything completely fucked up out of a true crime novel...but what I am discovering is it is not so much WHAT it is that hurts people it is how we as people process, react and cope with it and it has become fairly clear to me that I have really shitty coping skills...I am also blindingly sensitive – this is not a great combo. Abandonment, betrayal, neglect and rejection in my life manifested in a great amount of rage that I have not so stoically turned inward over time...and I guess it is time to take a look at all this rage inducing shit that I have clearly been sweeping under the rug my whole life.

Don’t worry...this is a solo exercise...no one should feel frightened to expect a letter from me pointing fingers or throwing blame around...I am gratefully beyond that...what’s done is done and most of it I know was unintentional and without malice...and IT ( IT being the acts committing pain, hurt, betrayal, rejections etc) doesn’t really matter anymore...what matters is me changing how I feel and treat myself...self loathing and rage are part of who I am and I clearly need to replace some of that with something a little more positive...and productive. Even I am a little tired or rage and self loathing defining who I am as a person. It is a trip worth taking.

Forgiveness of others and self seem to be the key to stepping forward from the veil of nasty filth that has become me inside my head...how to get there – I am not sure but...wtf...may as well walk the walk.

Monday Blabiddy Blab Blab...

I had the best laugh last night...going through my keepsake suitcase...coming across some of A’s items...emails to me when she was 10 about Gramma calling Avril Lavigne a hooker and deeply offending A...and her funny little cards...so absolutely hilarious to me all her little stories and cleverness...then it got me thinking that A. turns 18 in a few weeks. I have been pondering the empty nest syndrome a lot recently...she doesn’t appear to be leaving any time soon but...it’s coming around the mountain (you are welcome for me putting that tune in your head today)...the full circle of it all. Thinking back to where I was BEFORE she was here...thinking I am not all that better off aside from experience and age now that she is reaching the age of flight.

Interesting to me...you know all that ‘progress’ ppl supposedly make...yeah I have grown up and am certainly better prepared for life etc but I am grappling with the concept that EMOTIONALLY I am as wounded and decrepit as I was in 1994. WTF IS THAT ABOUT?! I may be headed into midlife crisis mode. Not too sure. Guess I will have to make the effort to meet someone I can stand in 2012 and see if that can benefit me as a distractionary measure.

A. seems to have survived the horrible stomach flu but is still unable to eat b/c it makes her sick. I am walking around with my fingers crossed that I will not get struck by the flu fairy b/c I do NOT wanna be barf sick like A. was. No. No. No. I vomited my share already being pregnant and have no desire to revisit that place.

I have ordered the grad pics...the website was easy enough to navigate but that just seemed like they were kind enough to use lube on your before they bum raped you. I am not gunna go on and on about the cost of it b/c ultimately it was my choice to order them regardless of the ridiculous price so screw it. They are lovely and it’s a memento and PROOF of sorts that we both accomplished something throughout this crazy 18 yrs together! –Though I am sure she would say I had nothing to do with anything she has done haha--

I cannot tell you the level of yearning I have for going home tonight and taking all my restrictive clothing off and putting on jammies and drinking tea while I do absolutely whatever the heck I want. You know the drill...walking in the door – kick shoes off, hang up keys, greet the cat & child, hang up coat and bag, socks immediately off and left in pile on the floor some sometimes days at a time, bathroom for the customary post-work pee &/or poop & tetris game, strip naked after washing hands and sneak into bedroom to put on jammies (or a mu mu as A. loves to refer to a nighty as) and then usually quite MIRACULOUSLY I have all the energy in the world that I did not have ALL DAMN DAY LONG...

I would like to publically thank KELLY M. for a comment he made recently as I was fretting about the impending doom trip A. is taking to Mexico in March...he simply said something to the effect of more Canadians are murdered in Canada than in Mexico so she is probably safer in Mexico. I like the way you think Kelly M. I owe you LUNCH next time I am in Courtenay!

JFC!

Dear Mexico...please stop murdering Canadians 2 months before my precious daughter is visiting you. I am fragile in the "overactive imagination department" as it is.

Signed,

Basket-case Mother

ABSENT

ABSENT

Documentary on Fatherlessness

by Justin Hunt

TRAILER
My copy arrived and I felt myself instantly less excited to watch it. The truth of it is fatherlessness plagues my whole family. My mother and her siblings often had no father around due to working away and he was not always engaged with the needs of his children when he was around. My cousins as well - though they did luck out and end up with a decent step father who really picked up the slack...in turn it meant his biological children grew up without their father around...I grew up fatherless or as a red-headed step child (who was not a red head). Father figures in my life equate to rejection, fear, abuse, psychological warfare and indifference...and look...my own daughter has grown up fatherless. See the cycle here? It is very intertwined with poverty and other great social issues.

None of this is news of course. I went into this documentary already an expert in the field. Some of the people in it were interesting and had some good insight for sure and practical real life experience dealing with the effects of fatherlessness in western culture (working in prisons etc) and the stats are good food for thought as well - only a little vague I thought....

The 3 main contributors (experts) were tooting the same horn pretty much and it seemed veiled in Christianity (sometimes not veiled but rather blatant) to the point where I wasn’t quite rolling my eyes but...the thing is - I am not a Christian but common sense is common sense even when coming from a Christian. This is not some Christian epiphany...The people interviewed who shared their stories were engaging but it was lacking in depth for me somehow...even James Hetfield’s segment, while interesting did seemed too edited. The segments where some of his lyrics came up on screen to show how he had clearly been struggling with things over the years was quite cool UNTIL a VOICE read them out loud like poetry with fake emotion and anger....so so so stupid. Really should have just left the lyrics on the screen and cut the silly part out.

Anyway...one little part that really struck me was how kids who grow up this way make ‘vows’ to themselves...to never be hurt again, to never trust again, to never be vulnerable again, etc...It’s an individual thing of course dependent on whatever issues you have...and really it works for any kind of serious hurt/betrayal you experience as a kid I think...I started thinking about my childhood vows to myself. {Insert long pause here} ...especially how they do not serve me well anymore...they may have been self-preservation 25-30 yrs ago but now they are limiting and stifling...so how does one unbrainwash themselves?

I think fathers jilting their children and being irresponsible is an epidemic problem and I do not understand how it has become so acceptable in society....we have gotten to the point where we 'expect' it....and that IS crazy and sad...

1 more day

1 more day until I am forced to have a schedule and not nap on the couch all day. Rude.

Tomorrow I am going to go check out the new Americanized version of The Girl w/ the Dragon Tattoo. I quite enjoyed the European version with subtitles...so this will be interesting...

SLOTH...complete SLOTH...2012...SLOTH...so tired and blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Too tired to even t....yp.e...........