my new favorite poem....

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting 

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

by Mary Oliver

Someday you will ache like I ache....

It is a sunny Saturday morning here in the land of the sluggish and near dead. Mexican tortilla soup is cooking on the stove awaiting the arrival of the fabulous Kate - who is driving down from Mill Bay to hang out for the day. Always a good day with Kate. Having known each other since we were small kids there is a familiarity that I find rather comforting.

Speaking of familiarity...one of my mom's old friends from a million yrs ago it seems popped up on facebook this week and it was really trippy to talk on the phone and catch up...she has known me since I was little...my brother and sister too...and I have to say that it is not often I have to inform someone of my brothers suicide almost 11 yrs after the fact...that was a weird moment. The weirdest thing about it is I don't have many ppl in my life who even knew my brother - never mind knew him when he was a wee kid. My family was so fragmented, living in too many places - apart. Makes it even sadder hearing someone else say what a lovely little boy he was, so sweet and adorable...

I often wonder if I am going to be feeling that loss so close to the surface for the rest of my life...how can something 11 yrs old feel so fresh? Why hasn't it found a little nook to crawl into like every other psyche-stabbing event  in my life to date? It doesn't feel unresolved to me. I have no lingering questions...there is no mystery to it anymore...just wide-open, raw grief that I cannot seem to put in it's little nook and revisit when I choose to. It chooses to visit me, uninvited and on a regular basis. Sure - life carries on, I go through the motions but it still feels so very raw...every day since Oct 24, 2000 I will look up at a clock and it will be 10:24 - either am or pm...every.day.since. No bullshit...24's everywhere...my obsessive ocd brain always on overload...

Oh...A. just asked me how I survive not getting laid. ha ha haaa Cocky kids these days...I could have asked how she survives knowing so little about life but I decided to eat it and laugh instead.



SONG OF THE DAY: appropriately one of my favorite songs - say what you want about train-wreck Courtney Love, Kurt certainly did not write this for her - I stole the name of this blog from this song and still find the lyrics she wrote post-Kurt's suicide haunting and completely heartbreaking.

Northern Star ~ Hole

And I cry and no one can hear
Inhale the blinded eyes that see
The chaos bring the pitiful to me
Even though I'm wide awake
I will in blackest night
And I wait for you
It's cold in here, there's no one left
And I wait for you
And nothing stops it happening
And I knew I'd cherish all my misery alone

And I wait staring at the northern star
I'm afraid it won't lead me anywhere
He's so cold he will ruin the world tonight
All the angels kneel into the northern lights
Kneel into the frozen lights

And they paid, I cry and cry for you
Ghosts that haunt you with their sorrow
I cried 'cause you were doomed
Praying to the wound that swallows all that's cold and cruel
Can you see the trees, charity and gratitude?

They run to the pines
It's black in here, blot out the sun and run to the pines
Our misery runs wild and free
And I knew the fire and the ashes of his grace

And I wait staring at the northern star
I'm afraid it won't lead you very far
He's so cold he will win the world tonight
All the angels kneel into the frozen lights
Feel their hearts, they're cold and white

And I want you
And blessed are the broken
And I beg you
No loneliness, no misery is worth you
Oh, tear his heart out
Cold as ice, it's mine

 And I wait praying to the northern star
I'm afraid it won't lead you anywhere
He's so cold raining on the world tonight
All the angels kneeling to the northern lights
And I pray begging to the northern star
I'm afraid it won't lead you anywhere
He's so cold he will rule the world tonight
All the angels kneeling to the northern lights
Kneeling to the frozen lights
Feel their hearts, they're cold as ice

One love feeds the fire...one heart burns desire...

I am excited b/c in 30 mins I am going to bed...at 9pm...with a book...my phone to play a game or 2. VICTORY! (hopefully!)

So - I installed this app on my phone that Michelle B told me about...MY FITNESS PAL...lol Sounds so ghey...(and I mean that this time AMANDA & ERIN)...you punch in everything you eat and it does all the friggin math for you even though I do not buy into that ideology that it is necessary to get into all that to be healthy...I know EXACTLY what I should be eating and what I shouldn't...every piece of food that passes my lips does not do so with extreme over-thought - trust me...anyhow...I have been meaning to start writing down everything I eat for a while just b/c it does make you a little more accountable when you are mindful about such things...well this things takes it to the next level and adds all the fat and calories etc and lets you know how many you have left for the day after each entry....well by 2pm I was allowed 88 more calories. Fack! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA Clearly today was a bad experiment but it was interesting....so I will do it for a while and watch the improvement...--- that is me being an optimist right there...it is like a wild, mysterious unicorn, doesn't let itself be seen often.

I am listening to Journey...feeling less bad about saying SUCK IT to the Journey/Loverboy/Night Ranger concert coming to town in December...I am over it now...nostalgia or not 100 bones plus s/c is dumb and I will sit at home and listen to the 3 bands on my computer. I would pay more than that to see Heart live if they promised to do the whole Dreamboat Annie record live...fml I would LOVE that!




Anyhow...Me + a book + my bed = RIGHT NOW!

YES!

We found Chris' birth father yesterday.....................................................contact established...so satisfying.

Reward

This week has been a complete whirlwind of intense emotion and excitement. Chris (you remember, my 1989 make out guy...? He lives in China with his wife and we have had a grand time getting reacquainted in the last month or so) had disclosed he was adopted a few weeks back...mentioned being unable to locate his birth parents for 20+ years even with professional help...he had a few details so I got looking but had no luck...as it turned out he had his details a bit mixed up so once he got the updated info I got to work. I am a bit resourceful in the department of finding things out...especially things that are none of my beeswax. Truth is, I love skip tracing and research and that is why I always did so well at Money Mart with collections..I didn't like calling ppl with no money to ask them for money they didn't have but I loved the process of tracking someone down.

...not gunna lie...I REALLY wanted to find his mom...not just for the ego boost to be the one who did it either...I REALLY wanted to find her for Chris, he watched his other adopted siblings find their birth parents with hardly any effort and he hadn't had leads at all...I was pretty determined...with that being said, on Monday night I poked around online looking up Blaine Lake, SK where his mom Valerie Jean McDonald was from, I had her b'day as well...and knew she was a nurse...being from such a small town proved to be helpful...population 500...smaller haystack. I happened to stumble upon this website that had a book compiled by local historians and residents...I knew I hit the jackpot b/c my Aunty Cathy bought one for me from the Bow River area of Alberta where my grandfather was raised and it is fantastic...so much information on families and local businesses etc. To my surprise this Blaine Lake version (done in 1982 or so) was scanned and available online for anyone to view. I was VIBRATING...I had a very good feeling about it.

Once I figured out how to navigate the site I went directly to the McDonald families...there were a few and then the last one instantly made me feel "electric"...especially the photo...there was a photo of Mr & Mrs McDonald with their 3 daughters...I scanned for Valerie but no Valerie....but this picture...the blonde daughter (quite pretty)...she had Chris's eyes.....by this point I am thinking I might be a little paranoid...wishful thinking you know...the blonde daughter was named Jeanne...hmmmm Valerie Jean...Jeanne...hmmmm...I carried on...read some more about her life...how she was a nurse (ding ding ding), loved music and traveled the world singing -  settled in California and had 3 children...I poked around a little more...always drawn back to that family...but decided to try the next night with a fresh head...went to bed...and thought about it a lot before falling asleep...

The next morning I wake up...check email and there is an email from Chris with some additional info....I near shit. He had been in touch with the adoption registry ppl and got some info...that his birth mom loved music...her father was a mechanic...she was very pretty etc...WELL SHIT...in that online book Mr McDonald had owned a garage...and the 3 daughters all studied music.... (all hair standing up on my head at that point)...I go back to the book...reread it....and see that her husbands name was listed in it...I am still perplexed by the VALERIE JEAN/JEANNE name...I had contemplated a clerical error with the name Chris was given - as I know from talking with Aunty Cathy about her genealogy research that is common and can really throw you off.

I googled the name of the husband she married in California and SURE AS SHIT it says his wife's name is Valerie Jeanne McDonald. BINGO. I guess her family called her by her middle name Jeanne and the info Chris was given was her legal name with the middle name misspelled....OMFG. There she was...right there. Chris's birth mom....unfortunately...I could also see that she had passed away in 1997 which was a total drag. Heartbreaking really.

I started sending all my info to Chris...I was seriously losing my mind...and at the same time I am googling the shit out of the info I have and discover he has 3 - possibly 4 other siblings...one of whom I emailed to confirm she was the daughter of Valerie....so while I am firing off all this info - I am clearly not gunna get to work on time so I called in said I would be in at noon and take a half day of vacation...no biggy...onward I go...I hadn't gotten a reply back from Chris so I was a little concerned he was at home reading it losing his shit...so I called him...in China...(2 cents a min kicks ass) - he had been out and was just reading the emails...
the whole phone call was a flurry of unbelievable babbling...while on the phone I heard back from the one sibling who confirmed she was the daughter of Valerie....so Chris asked me to write her - so I compiled an email of all the info I had and how I came across the results...and introduced her to her "big brother Chris"....afterwards I found all his siblings on FB...and multiple cousins, aunts, uncles etc...total craziness....

Chris's sibling was blindsided...had no idea her mother had any other children....it took her a few days to get her thoughts in order and her and Chris have started talking and getting acquainted and he is getting all sorts of information...turns out his moms parents and sisters did know about the pregnancy...and one of his aunts did attempt to look for him at some point in the 90's with no luck....so basically Chris's whole world has just been shoved in a snow-globe and had the shit shaken out of it...in the best of ways...

It has been absolutely fantastic to be a part of it all...and I cannot help but think this is the reason we reconnected....I have looked for him before over the years to no avail until recently...and now a month later all this other amazing stuff unfolds for him...it is truly humbling and fantastic to give that to someone...I bet it is like how a person feels when they donate one of their kidneys to someone...except without the surgery hahaha SO FUGGING AWESOME. I am super stoked for him and glad he has the opportunity to fill in a bit of that hole in himself.

In the mean time....I am looking for his birth father...

Low Tech

Upon hearing the announcement that Journey, Night Ranger and Loverboy coming to Victoria in December I was thinking about how I would play the ever-loving shit out of all my records as a kid...like...not just a lot...a shit ton. Factor in that I was usually ALWAYS grounded to my bedroom - it was pretty serious obsessive behavior...now had my folks really wanted to break me all they would have had to do was take away my record player or records...mind you that would have been a terrible parenting choice b/c then I would have had to stab them in their sleep or burn the house down. I was ruled by rage and stupidity as a kid...Connie and I plotted the death of a few people...we didn't make maps or sketches of the plan but we had thought about it to the degree where it is kinda creepy...example: body disposal. We considered waiting for it to be just before a freeze so we could dump the said victim in the river and then the body would be frozen all winter and not be found until it thawed - destroying most of the evidence. (Did all the hairs just stand up on the back of your neck? Good.) Luckily...even at my worst I am rather sensible to a degree so you know...we never killed anyone.

I just saw a photo of my biological father on Facebook (his daughter Sara posted one of the 2 of them)...he is in his 60's now...I detect NO resemblance whatsoever. None. Do you see any? I know I kinda look like my mom ppl say but I can't see that either so I think maybe I just can't make that sort of connection. (A. just looked and sees it but I still don't)

Sara (half sister) & Gord (bio-father)

Moi

Mom

Pretty trippy...funny how in time none of that really matters at all...I truly couldn't give less of a shit about it. The damage is done and long gone...it is not just a novelty of searching faces in photos for a glimmer of recognition...going through loser dad stuff with A. has lead me to where I am with my own stuff...I look at A. and her life and can see plain as day that it does not need to have any grand hold over her future. It is what it is...and fuck it - carry on and live your life. I have spent far too much of my life pissed off about other peoples behavior or lack of behavior - what a waste of time and energy that should have gone into dealing with my own behavior and life.
Of course telling someone in the thick of it is generally not much good.

UPDATE 2023: in 2017 via Ancestry DNA I found out that guy was not my dad after all...hahahhaha and I actually look like my real dad a bit...FORESHADOWING POST!

Nerd Night @ Jen's Place

I am tormenting the cat whilst listening to terrible 80's music...while all that fantastical shit is going on I am making tortilla soup in the crock pot so Doris and I can dine on it before we go see Bill Maher at the Royal Theatre...cannot wait to have jalapeno heartburn all through Bill Maher's show. ha! YEAH!

I must be sure to bring BUTTER to the Royal Theatre tomorrow night b/c I am sure to need it to fit into those small seats made for tiny Japanese people...good times...it will be a hoot though...cannot go wrong with 2 hrs of Bill Maher talking your ear off.

I really lucked out and Donna in Nanoose Bay is driving down Sunday afternoon for a visit...I am excited...we never get to visit just the 2 of us (sorry Guy)...so that will be a lovely way to finish off this short shitty 2 day weekend.

A. got the job at Aldo...perfect...she loves shoes. Am hoping in the fall she will get a plan in order and focus on making it happen...(SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE # 8759684796879564: school school school)...

Ok I am suddenly very tired...I must retire to my boudoir to read my smutty bedtime novel.

Adoption Search

I am posting this in hopes it will eventually lead someone to my friend Chris.
I have had many occasions where people have Googled a name and been lead to this blog - so I am hoping the same will happen for Chris.

Christopher Bellman was adopted as a baby from an Edmonton orphanage.
Chris was born September 22, 1963 in Edmonton, Alberta.
Chris's birth name: GUY SCOTT MCDONALD 

Birth Mother's name: VALERIE JEAN/JEANNE MCDONALD (born July 4, 1941, she was born in Blaine Lake, Saskatchewan and was a nurse apparently)

Birth Father's name: JEREMIE (JEREMY? GERALD? GERRY?) GRANT SCOTT (born September 11, 1940, in Vancouver, BC - he was a pharmacist apparently)

Chris has had NO luck searching for his birth parents since the 90's. He is on the "adoption registries" provincially and federally. Nothing. Heartbreaking really...extensive searching (professional and otherwise) has turned up nothing over the years.

Seeing that JEREMIE GRANT SCOTT would have been 22 when Chris was born I would assume VALERIE JEAN MCDONALD was just new to the nursing profession. These birth parents would be in their 70's now, may not even still be alive but Chris may have siblings out there looking with limited info...will update as more detailed info is gathered.

Contact Chris at: christopherbellman AT hotmail DOT com 

(Last Update:  July 17 2012) Both parents/siblings located...mother passed unfortunately, father in White Rock BC...

still.kills.me.....

saw some dong this weekend...

Pretty fun weekend...so much laughing...gawd you forget how fun your family is until they are around. Everyone's beating the door down to the bathroom to avoid peeing their pants laughing so hard. Pam almost rocketing a Wii remote through the TV was a highlight...Pam & Maggie shop until they drop but the thing is they never drop...they are immortal vampire-like shoppers while I am not in love with shopping...very mortal and generally avoid shopping whenever I can...their fun company though is what keeps it tolerable...the quesadilla maker they bought us has not rendered my boob wounded though so this is good. I have eaten quesadillas every day since they left...no injury...which is good b/c the waffle steam burn is really ugly now...no pain just a scabby piece o' titty bacon. Single IT IS fellas...single it is.

Saturday nights venture into Big John Bates land was...well...inferior to past ventures. The venue – Soprano's – sucks the balls of monkeys, donkeys and llamas. Soprano's is a douche bag bar and the problem with events such as these is the douche bag crowd is still there when a cool act is booked so it is a drag to have to be in the presence of such douchebaggery when you are going to see someone great play. When BJB plays Lucky Bar the vibe is TOTALLY different b/c the douche bag element is removed entirely...plus the stage is set up so that the band is showcased...at Soprano's – not blocked out by the retarded drunks flailing up front. Even Logan's would have been better...ugh – I hate you Soprano's. I bought a few cds that I have been dying to own though so I am now able to get my BJB fix...it appears the Voodoo Dollz portion of the show is done now though which is too bad as I quite enjoy that but the new sound on the new EP I picked up with Brandy Bones doing more vocals is pretty hot shit. While perusing the internet for BJB info I read he was the original singer for that Canadian mental band Annihilator...omfg I howled at that...I checked out an old pic of him from the time and that was amusing...as are most 80s/90s metal personas. I like where he went with his career...he has seen the world doing what he loves...cannot get much better than that.

We have a new fridge at work...it has a freezer. This will FOR CERTAIN change my life...ICE WATER at work...ice cold gel packs to combat the heat...freezies...I can bring in frozen stuff I make at home to eat for lunch at work without the bother of doing it daily...omg SO AWESOME...it is the small stuff in life that keeps me jolly.

MAGIC MIKE: Horny Lisa & I went to see it... and really it was not as useless and cheesie as I expected...The visual effects (haha) were fantastic – I mean really...what is better than a buncha hot guys who can dance gyrating around without the horror of having to see their penis? I have always preferred female strippers...mainly b/c having to see the goofy appendage of male strippers ruins the whole fun of it in my opinion...they should keep their junk covered at all times. It was a decent movie though – will it change your life – NOPE...but it isn't gawd awful either...and if you like hot guys dancing around – you will not be disappointed.

I saw more wiener in the movie WANDERLUST which I watched last night via the nudist in the movie was exposed a lot...so his dong is forever etched into the bowels of my mind...in fact the scene where the group of nudists run away from a careening vehicle is completely horrifying....be warned. I will say though that the scene where Paul Rudd is looking in the bathroom mirror trying to pump himself up to sleep with the resident hottie...I DIED...I was DYING...I laughed so hard...hysterically could not stop watching him go on and on saying the stupidest shit on earth in the most stupid ways...that scene...jfc...slayed me. Not sure if it will make anyone else on earth laugh like I did but....what else is new?! http://youtu.be/K-Cjn7JMqgE I just watched 4 seconds of it and had to turn it off b/c I was starting to laugh so hard....