One Year

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of the passing of Taylor Magnusson...pretty solemn day in my head – especially knowing that Tere was dealing by spending the day with her sisters and friends doing a little memorial thing for Taylor. The impending doom of the anniversary certainly took its toll on her...I find sometimes the lead up to these anniversaries is worse than the actual date itself...I quite often find myself peaceful on the date...almost like you prepare for it so well by the time it arrives you are insulated somehow.

I have been reading a lot about the effects of antidepressants on certain groups of people. The incidences of people having just started or who were on antidepressants involved in murder/suicides is incredibly alarming. This number is not a LOW number either...in Taylor’s case I am convinced his suicide was related to the effects of an antidepressant he just started. In all truthfulness, I don’t think most of these prescriptions are necessary – having been on anti depressants myself in the past I can say with clarity they were counter-productive. Don’t get me wrong, they did what they were supposed to do for me...I was ‘even’, experienced less extremes in emotion and was essentially myself but the best of myself as far as maintaining mood control etc. Nothing wrong with that...right? Well actually there is something wrong with that...for all the time I was on the medication I spent that time not dealing with the behaviour and feelings and prolonging the inevitable really. Unlike many ppl I was not on them long – I never felt ok about it...even while enjoying the feeling of emotional stability for the 1^st time ever. They alter your brain...and even when it is good I could not help but feel extremely fucked up about that. The eye twitch made it very easy to kick the draw towards artificial stability...who the hell wants a gawd damn eye twitch? NOT I.

I was certainly a best case scenario...but let me tell you...those so-called “rare” side effects like serotonin syndrome are not so rare and completely downplayed by physicians...and in turn under reported b/c I can assure you in the case of Taylor Magnusson – the fact he had been on a new antidepressant, prescribed by his grandmothers Dr...and went out with such uncharacteristic violence no one thinks to question the therapeutic levels of antidepressant in his system...it gets chalked up as just another suicide...

I have no doubt that many ppl find these meds to be life saving and feel their quality of life is improved by these...and you know what...good for you but there needs to be far more awareness and warning given to people being given these drugs...and some accountability...warnings especially younger people who it seems to affect more. Taylor had his whole life ahead of him, he was not the typical sad sack kid who battled mood problems his whole life...he was a funny, gentle hearted kid who held the hearts of many people and his horrifying and violent exit from this world is just terribly heartbreaking.

Germaphobic Agoraphobe

I am alive.

Common colds are seeming far more crippling than they ever have before...I attribute this to aging. I am starting to understand why old people do anything to avoid germs and sickness...I just lost 6 days of my life...for a stupid cold. Rude.

Tonight I start the training for the volunteer work I am signed up for a local women's crisis line...its every Monday night from now til mid January. I am expecting this to be quite an interesting experience.

Today was Ayla's 1st day at her new/temp gov't job. She did not call me crying today so that's good - ha! Really hoping it leads into a longer position or something else that is permanent. This hiring freeze may be a bit of a hindrance though...fingers crossed.

I really feel the urge to blather on about some serious stuff but I am lacking time, spirit and focus...May be tomorrow....

Funniest cell phone call @ work ever...

RING! RING! (my cell phone plays the Game of Thrones song when it rings – very regal!)

Me: Hello (I am puzzled b/c the # is not one I know and I never get calls on my cell...ever.)

Man: Hi...you are at work? Busy doing ______ (<-I forget what he said)

Me: Yeah... (pause b/c I have no idea who this person is as he chatters on) Who are you trying to call?

Man: Oh...the 'hot wet Egyptian goddess'... (he says this like I will know who he is for sure now)

Me: Uhhh...I have NO idea who you are talking about...I think you have dialed the wrong number.

Man: Oh...::stammer:: sorry.

Me: ::SNICKER::

sleep

I am eyeing up under my desk thinking I could crawl under there for a nap and no one would see me...I just run the risk of ppl thinking I am out of the office and then talking shit about me - making my reappearance a bit awkward.

Robert Plant you sexy bitch...

1970's Robert Plant

Jimmy Page's music room

You know what was cool about pre-internet and pre-paparazzi? People like Robert Plant could knock up his ex-wife's (8 yrs divorced) sister and have a child with her without it ending up on TMZ or Jerry Springer. I have been on a Led Zeppelin kick as of late after watching It Might Get Loud - a documentary where Jack White, Jimmy Page and The Edge sit around jamming and talking about music. It was MASSIVELY excellent to watch - I am not in love with The Edge at all in fact the show really showed me the difference in the caliber of artistry...don't get me wrong...it's not like The Edge sucks he just pales in comparison to me...Jimmy Page's music room..omg. Look at it...all that vinyl...cds...and watching him play his favorite records while he is smiling like a kid in a candy store...amazing to me. Anyhow it refueled my Led Zeppelin love...such an amazing, timeless band. Upon stalking Robert Plant a little I read that one of his children - Karac Pendragon Plant - fml it gives me a total boner that a man would name his kid a cool as shit name as Karac Pendragon - seriously blows my mind) - anyway, Karac died at 5 yrs old and the song All of My Love was written for him which is such a lovely song anyway, knowing the meaning behind it is sweet.

I almost made the perfect waffle this morning...my next waffles will be PERFECTION...no lie. (wow that is really boring to report - much more fun when I was screwing them up left, right and center)

I am going to go for a good hard walk tonight once it is dark and see how my foot feels after... ::falls to knees praying to the universe to not let something shiny distract her from this objective::

1000 Years of Darkness Alright...

I enjoyed the Democratic Convention finale last night...Biden was a bit jibberjabbery but Obama did not disappoint...He could be talking about toilet tissue or hair rollers and I would find him to be a riveting speaker. I really liked how he did not sugar coat what has been viewed as lack of progress...he owned it. I did not think for a moment that in 4 years that much damage could be undone especially in politics where you are forced to play a game with ppl you cannot trust and have to wheel and deal with. The strategy involved is mind numbing. I do not pretend to have kept up on every minute thing he is up to either but I can tell you one thing...he is doing a shit ton better than the republicans have done and will do and he is trying to do right in a system that is not easy to navigate – so kudos to him. Perfect – NO. That is pure impossibility...you cannot please everyone...but the critical moment for me was his Lincoln quote: I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. What a telling line to use...I have always thought that being the president of such a country would be racked with insanely difficult decisions and many moments when your hands are simply tied by politics, policy, strategy and pure fuckery. Not a position to envy...except if you are a republican b/c then the bottom line is so clear you can justify all sorts of horseshit.
By the way – Chuck Norris...you are a republican puff...I will show you 1000 years of darkness you trophy-wifed asshole.

Anyway...the weekend is upon me. I love 3 day weekends...I have no plans – I want no plans – I do what I want – when I want – with who I want...I recently attempted to woo someone and using my new and improved decision maker brain I opted out early b/c I no longer wish to pursue men-folk who are like one of those fucking tin cans that defy every can opener in the house...you know the ones...the ones you have to practically mangle to get open...fuck that...I am not a gawd damn therapist or a forensic psychologist – digging for every morsel of truth or tidbit you let whistle out of your sphincter personality...I have been plagued with the curse of being incredibly open and honest and with that I have the equal expectation and it is really just a rare thing to meet anyone likeminded it seems...the rarest of unicorns...add in my lack of standard physical appearance requirements, neurosis’, lack of trust in all humans, inability to be quiet about things that are insane etc...I am not exactly in high demand ova here...and I am ok with that b/c I have come to accept my ‘special’ personality...anyway – OPERATION: WOO THE GUY is over. There was a guy on the street after work – I saw him from the bus as we drove by – with a FREE HUGS sign....he was cute too...I might have stopped. Ha ha ha

hope you can view this Chris....

Yoohoo - dumdum!

I Am Human (officially called How Soon is Now which i did not know until I just Googled it!) by The Smiths - I have no idea what I was up to in the 80's to have missed this tune...oh wait...I was into heavy metal and missed the gothy bands like The Smiths and The Cure, etc. entirely. The thing about missing a "genre" while it is at its height is you rarely experience it the same way later. I have never really warmed to the genre but there are bits and piece of it here and there that make me take notice - like Talk Talk's 'It's My Life'...another great one...I am sure there are a buttload of others and I just haven't come across them.

I spent the day rearranging the bedroom and living room...always something satisfying about rearranging furniture...you feel like a broken piece of shit after all is said and done but damn! The place looks NEW! haha Anyhow...my living room is less cluttered and my bedroom is too b/c I have finally decided to say goodbye to my VCR. Yes that's right folks...I am taking a leap and no longer taping my stupid soap b/c I can watch it for free with Shaw on Demand. This is my 1st step twds kicking it entirely. It is so lame - even for me. Seeing as I refuse to get a PVR until they become more reasonably priced...now I have my old VCR (I bought it when Ayla was 2 or 3 so it over 15 yrs old) and a newer one in the closet...this seems a little dumb. I think I will get rid of both...I do not have many VHS tapes left and this may spur me to get rid of the rest.

I called Shaw the other night to cancel my cable (this is so funny) and found out that with the  package I have (which is also no longer offered and still good for a few more years) me canceling my cable would cost pretty much the same b/c without the package my internet and phone would be the same price so essentially I am getting cable for free....................I ended up getting another fuggin cable package for 9 bucks a month for 6 mths so I get HBO which has all the good shows! Call to cancel and end up paying more by the time you hang up...I am awesome. Until I am prepared to turf my landline it makes sense to keep cable until then.

A. made dinner tonight - nice treat.