boobage

Feb 26 2009

 

Dear Creatures of the Night,

 

I am going to ice some titty cakes after work tonight....Ohhh yes...the b'day boy @ work is my buddy Dan (who I wish was my dad) and Lisa has completed phase 1 of OPERATION: TITTY CAKE by making the orbulous cakes and getting them out of the moulds in one piece...tonight is Icing and Nippling! Woot! Woot!

 

Coolest part is he has NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO idea and he will be suitably mortified and honored by this cake :o)

 

I had this crazy idea...I was thinking about inviting my mom for xmas this year...that way we can avoid the heinousness of her "gift boxes" by stipulating that she is only allowed to get us ONE THING EACH and each of us will get her ONE THING EACH...THATS ITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!! It would only be a few days and she will cook xmas dinner (MuHhahahahahahhahaha)....I think im gunna do it even if I regret it 3 seconds after I ask her.

I sent her a quick email the other day and she replied with a totally normal and human reply...telling me about how she's been out walking etc....This is UNHEARD OF in her 56 yrs...going for walks and she's trying to quit smoking as well...down to 4 smokes a day...also UNHEARD OF.

 

I have talked to 2 very annoying women on the phone today, both times I had to tell them to stop talking and listen for one moment. I fucking hate over-talkers...they make me wanna punch them right in the phone! Oh the joys...

Pretty quiet here today, got lotsa work done...still don't have a wall yet...hopefully next week I will have my wall erected...ha ha ha ERECTED.

 

 I journalled the other night...I always find it funny to read the last entry before writing a new one...its been a while since i felt compelled so it has been a year or so...oh gawd how things can change in 1 year. ha!

 

Little Miss Ayla is busted and broken from her dance regiment....she has dance 3x a week after school and she's feeling pretty crippled...its kinda sad...seeing her hobbling around but its good too b/c...well it is. haha I am really looking fwd to seeing her solo April 21st...actually excited to see her up on stage in action all by her lonesome...she's gotten so much better each year that I think this year it is going to be really impressive.  Her year end dance show in May she will be in at least 2 routines...1 hip hop and 1 jazz...gawd I hope they are close together on the schedule so I dont have to endure hours and hours of other ppls inferior children. ha!

As a kid I was in some stuff...Brownies, figure skating, gymnastics, Path-finder Girls...anything that required $ I would get immediately yanked from when I showed disinterest (can u say CHEAPO CHINCERS!?) so I never really got good at anything...

I was only in Path-finders for the arts and crafts...the god part was right over my head and I was not interested.

I remember in Brownies I wanted to be renamed an owl so baddddddddddddddd....all the leaders how owl names like Tawny Owl etc...fuck I wanted to be Tawny Owl....I have NO idea why...

 

THE 1ST TIME I EVER SAW A LADIES BOOB

 

I was in grace 2 or 3 in Wainwright Alberta...I had got lost b/c back then we were allowed to roam around without any supervision at all and thank gawd or I would have missed out on this boob!

So im lost and im wandering about and this lady comes up to me...I dunno if I was crying or not....she figures out im lost and takes me to her house...shes got a baby with her and she somehow gets ahold of my step dad Don and he was on the way to pick me up...so while we are waiting I think she gave me a snack...and sat down and started nursing her baby...it was fascinating but I wasnt wigged out at all...it was kind of like "ohhhhhhhh thats what they are for"...then Don shows up and the lady is still nursing in the livingroom where I was and calls for him to come in and he walks into the room and sees this SPECTACLE hahahahaha you could see he was instantly uncomfortable (hahaha), keep in mind this is the mid 70's and im pretty sure none of his wives ever used a boob to feed a baby...maybe im projecting, I dunno. Anyway...that was the 1st time I ever saw a ladies boob.

 

The End

 

!!!!

Am I the ONLY one who didn't know Rick Mercer was GAY!?!?!?!
Next it'll be George Strombo____s I find out is gay.....or Matt Good....fuck.

Yo Mo Fo

Feb 23 2009

Okay…well I guess I can cancel the award ceremony I organized to give Guy the Cheeriest Man Alive award…since he isnt into that sort of self important crap.
FINE!!!
Haha

I am in my new pubicle, I am organized and settled and all I need is the light above me disabled and my last wall put up and I will be good to go. I know you likely all think I have enough walls but….that is not true. It is quiet here on the 3rd floor and less traffic so it is much more peaceful…aside from the whining:

My cubicle is too small

This table takes up too much room

That printer is too loud

Wah Wah Wah
My gawd it is RIDICULOUS….all the whiners are the ppl with window seats too.

Anyway…I just talked to someone from Powell River…who lives on the street I used to live on and she volunteered to tell me she lives with the towns most famous sex offender…wait…are u a sex offender if u get prosecuted for having a kajillion files of kiddie porn on your computer?? Ohhhh why YES OF COURSE….ugh. Who advertises that? My gawd.

I am persona non grata at home currently…Ayla thinks I am a RULE CHANGER. Oh to think all things are black and white in life…sighhhhhhhhhhhhh…I feel my brain tumor returning…my gawd…not b/c of her but…maybe im preparing for a stroke…?
Was talking to someone about my brain deficiency…I dunno if its self loathing or retardation or what but I am thinking in order to make real changes in my life -health wise- I will likely have to have a near death experience…logically I realize how incredibly STUPID that is considering getting to the near death experience could very well lead to death…DUH!

I am laughing at my digital picture frame…whenever someone comes over and notices it it has a picture of Amanda and Erin kissing on it….I love the reaction to the lesbian affection photo hahaha
And I laugh everytime a picture of me as a kid comes on it b/c im always making retarded faces….EVEN AS A KID I WAS A CLOWN.
I have to go grocery shopping after work….not looking fwd to that...

word 4 word

Sean Penn's OSCAR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

Thank you. Thank you. You commie, homo-loving sons-of-guns. I did not expect this, but I, and I want it to be very clear, that I do know how hard I make it to appreciate me often. But I am touched by the appreciation and I hoped for it enough that I did want to scribble down, so I had the names in case you were commie, homo-loving sons-of-guns, and so I want to thank my best friend, Sata Matsuzawa. My circle of long-time support, Mara, Brian, Barry and Bob. The great Cleve Jones. Our wonderful writer, Lance Black. Producers Bruce Cohen and Dan Jinks.

And particularly, as all, as actors know, our director either has the patience, talent and restraint to grant us a voice or they don't, and it goes from the beginning of the meeting, through the cutting room. And there is no finer hands to be in than Gus Van Sant. And finally, for those, two last finallies, for those who saw the signs of hatred as our cars drove in tonight, I think that it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect and anticipate their great shame and the shame in their grandchildren's eyes if they continue that way of support. We've got to have equal rights for everyone. And there are, and there are, these last two things. I'm very, very proud to live in a country that is willing to elect an elegant man president and a country who, for all its toughness, creates courageous artists. And this is in great due respect to all the nominees, but courageous artists, who despite a sensitivity that sometimes has brought enormous challenge, Mickey Rourke rises again and he is my brother. Thank you all very much.

Oscar Night

Thank you Sean Penn for using your Oscar speech time to shame the hateful bastards of California for denying equal rights for all ppl, gay or straight...and for calling your new president elegant and not black.

I think I might be in full love with Mr Penn. Seriously...when he told the voters of California that they have shamed their grandchildren with their bigoted behaviour I near squealed with delight.

I watched the Oscars from 530-900 and I didn't even get bored...ok I got a little bored listening to the slumdog millionaire speeches over and over again but...whatever.
And I was tickled that Kate Winslet won best actress b/c I have a girl crush on her.

Work tomorrow...We will be up on the 3rd floor finally so I will be able to get settled in and made my new pubicle home.
Saturday was a write off...I had one of them headaches...bad enough to kill a donkey...rendered me fairly useless so I had a lot to do today...its hard cramming all that crossword puzzle time into such a busy day.

Went to Elk Lake with Donna and Arika and Dugan the pooch, strolled around while swam and fetched his ball...he is the funniest dog...his silliness made us all laugh all afternoon. Look at him...he is such a character! --->

behold!

Look what Buffy & Co brought back from Mexico for me....a bottle capped Jesus Cross....fucking wicked cool! AND Virgin Mary matches!

2 Days of Blah

Feb 18 2009
Happy Hump Day - for some anyway.

See Gwen Stefani is my biggest fan b/c I bought her perfume....

I just talked to a crazy man on the phone ranting about how Hitler's reign is becoming very similar to ours here…and how as a disabled person he fears for whats to come.
He talked about all sortsa of whacky stuff foreverrrrrrrrrr……was happy to transfer his call :o)

Anyhoo…as you may or may not know I have my period…yes I know…SHOCKING…but true…and I just want to say this to ensure I make Kelly the Fireman and Abu's throw up in their mouths….all this fine clotty talk makes them right sick and I quite enjoy such occasions.

I scratched my top lip today on chapstick…yes….CHAPSTICK….AVON CHAPSTICK…I think Lisa is trying to kill me…adding metal fragments to my chapstick orders, hoping it'll injure me and turn gangrene so she can point and laugh at my face every morning when I come to work. Nice.

No idea about the boss thing again….massive drama going on….drama that even *I* am disgusted with…I don’t think the concept of professional environments is real…I think its all a myth.

Tonight I will not be smoking hamburgers for dinner…last night I BBQ's burgers and im sure a fair portion fell through the grill and started the fire so b4 I BBQ again I gotta get out there and clean it up…it is very hard to BBQ in the dark by the way…I like all my BBQ to be very well done so in the dark with a little flashlight it kinda sucks…I thought a bat flew into me at one point out there…then I rationalized that bats were not likely to do that since they are lucky and have bat radar…I need BBQing Radar.

10 more minutes until phones are shut off for the day….tick tock tick tock
I have mange on my ear.

Feb 19 2009

Well the BBQ seems to have rusted/melted to death…15.00 for a year of BBQing….still seems like a waste…I guess they shouldn’t sit out in the rain…? Duh!

I am sure the BBQ burgers the other night were full of horrible metal melting cancer causing shit….weeeeeeeeeeeee
Maybe I can use the little BBQ part and just get the innards replaced?? Is this possible? I am BBQ retarded.

Hoe Hum…..

Tonight its Thai food with Tara, then meeting with Buffy to bum her old Telus phone so that Ayla will have a phone again…Friday night is APPARENTLY not date night with Lisa….Donna or Jackie. BITCHES.

Never take my headphones...ever.

13 Names

1.YOUR REAL NAME:
Jennifer Jay Conklin

2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother and fathers middle name)
Ellen Unknown (hahahahahaahahha)

3.NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)
Charles Unknown (hahahahahahaha)

4.STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)
Conje

5.DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Maroon Frog

6.SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, town where you were born)
Jay Prince George (hahahahahah)

7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
The Indigo Slurpee

8.FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
Jein

9.STREET NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
Maple Walnut Chocolate Chip

10.SKANK NAME: (1st pet's name, street you grew up on)
Milo Klahanie (hahaha)

11.GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of first name plus 'izzle')
Jenizzle

12.YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Asshole Cat (hahahahhaa)

13. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy)
Harajuku Baby Chocolate

IDIOT

Here is an example of why old ladies (me) should not make trendy purchases...

I have been wanting a perfume of my own that isnt 8.00 a bottle for a while now so I have been on the look out for one that doesnt remind me of my moms perfume or that anyone I know already uses...so a while ago I smelled one I liked...Gwen Stefani's Harajuku Lovers "Baby" Fragrance....so today im in a store...its 55.00 for what I assumed was the same bottle the tester came in...HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA IDIOT.

I get it home...and its a small bottle - 1 fluid ounce (30 ml) with a giant plastic doll for a lid...which is what made the box so largggggggggggggggggge....

Sighhhhh...

Now it is a weird enough item that I will keep it of course (sorry Arika...no dibs for you, I know you probably just peed in yer jeans a little looking at the picture) but man....I was rooked....

......

He buzzed me at 2 pm on the nose.

He was having a really shitty day so I only made one snarky remark:

"you waited down there til 2 on purpose didn't you?"

i admit i have a bit of a boner about the 40 music channels and the video on demand

!!!!!!!! accckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

1:57!!

FUCKKKKKKKKK

it is 1:51 pm

that shaw cable twat has 9 mins to walk up to my door.

St Valentine was a fucker too

Saturday Feb 14 2009

im gunna try to grow another yam tree....you remember my original yam tree?? the one that accidently turned into a project of sorts...? likely b/c im trying to grow this one it wont work but....its got a little sprouty eye already so ill see what happens....hopefully it will not go all icky. The other one lasted a YEAR on my kitchen table and got quite tall...ill put a pic of the original yam tree at the end of this post.
(you know you are lame when u are using tuber foods as pets)

I have already done a majority of my house tidying this morning...Shaw guy is due here between 12 and 2...if he is a no show I am making this biggest scene with those fuckers and not getting the extra channels. Don't say you were here and no one answered when someone was here the whole time and the buzzer never rang...(<---when I moved that happened and im apparently not over it yet)
I have today, Sunday and Monday off and lemme tell you...that is awesomeeeeeeeeeee....
Last night Lisa from work and I went to a flick...it was el cheapo grando! She had free tickets and her kid gave her a gift card with 15 bucks on it for the concession so it only cost $1.36 to go see HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, which was really friggin entertaining...as a female I could relate with pretty much all the reasoning in that movie haha It was a good time.

Today after the Shaw extravaganza im waddling over to Donnas to meet Arika and we will take Dugan (Donna's dog) to the track and walk him and talk some shit about the world.

THE ORIGINAL YAM TREE

TGIF FUCKERS

ohhh thank the goddess of weekends that the w/e is finally here...



just found out that the new boss is not the old boss



WOOOOHOOOOOOOOO

ohhh yeah baby!!!

I was hoping for a particular person, mainly b/c I know her here and she is super resourceful and nice etc....but she didn't get it sadly...I hope she will stick around but the person who got it is COMPETENT and that's enough for me.

Woke up with such a bad headache this morning it was on the verge of migraine, I was friggin cross eyed for shits sake so today I am taking it easy(er) at work and not getting too intense about anything at all...aside from my orange carrot juice drink.

Ayla took a cab to school this morning hahaha Cracks me up...b/c last week I told her if I get any calls form the school that shes missed a class or is late it means the whole following week shes grounded...well...I think its resourceful of her to ensure she makes it on time even if it costs her her own cash. :o)

I have spent the day listening to the most annoying human on earth (at work anyway) carry on and on about her busted toe...how she dropped a pickle jar on her toe...on and on to any/everyone who will listen...hello lady...its a busted toe, they hurt like a motherfucker but theres nothing u can do about them so getting xrays is stupid...and no one wants to hear about it anymore for the love of fucking gawd.

the end

BEHOLD!!!!!!!!

My hippy dippy new dishes...they were on super sale so I could not resist and I gave the mugs to Donna cuz she needed some!

ok ok ok

Feb 11 2009

The last 2 days I have woken (bad english im sure) up at 5 am, unable to go back to sleep until 6 am, my usual get up time...likely b/c I have been going to bed by 10 pm out of sheer boredom and a lack of any other reason to remain conscious. I have been trying to cook more dinners...so I get home from work...I make dinner, clean up, play with the dishwasher and then I bore myself into a coma whilst doing crossword puzzles in bed. You know u are lame when you fall asleep doing crossword puzzles every night. I am rapidly becoming intensely boring.

I went and saw Revolutionary Road on Sunday...wow. Now I know I am a little bias b/c I am in love with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio already but...I dont think there is any denying that the 2 of them have some serious on screen chemistry...it was a really great movie and marriage in the 50's looked as bleak as bleak can be...it is easy to forget the lack of choice women had back then, not just as single women in "trouble" but as a married woman. Frank (husband, played by my boyfriend Leonardo) was seemingly charming but like most men (HAHAHA kidding, sort of) was a real bastard...the subtlty of his manipulating personality was amazing..."Ohhh what wife? You dont love me? Well then you must be insane and need to visit an asylum for a while or at least seek psychiatric help b/c if u dont love me you MUST be insane and not well enough to care for your 2 existing children."
Nice. Asshole.
I wont give away the ending but I am still trying to determine if the end was intentional or not.
And wtf.....the 2 sex scenes in this movie amounted to about 20 seconds of thrusting, fully clothed. I'd stop having sex is it involved a one sided 20 second thrust-frenzy. Oh wait I have stopped having sex...haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

DISHWASHER UPDATE: well so far so good....im still kinda working out the details of my own kitchen organization but...thus far it is going alright...im finding I do have more counter space oddly enough...I do however have to go buy a set of non-chunky dishes...I don't have many dishes, just one set of big thick plates that hardly fit in the DW'er and I have always wanted to go pick up a set of the wee skinny and less chunky Corelle ones for daily use etc....so I think I am gunna do that...finding a set of Corelle plates that are not adorned with an ugly pattern will be the real challenge...they do make some funky ones but man some are butt ugly. I will aim for the plane white ones. Also -I hope they don't come with coffee cups or I am leaving those at the store...

Still waiting - ever so impatiently - at work to find out who won the posting competition for our units supervisory position...I only know of 3 ppl who tried for it: 1 -if she gets it we will all be hanging from the fucking rafters at work the day it is announced and the server will crash b/c we will all be online looking to apply 4 other jobs.... 2 - I don't know her well but it would be better than the first... 3 - my personal choice....so we are all in limbo and hoping like a motherfucker #1 does not pull the win out of her ass b/c unit morale will PLUMMETTTTTTTTTT. The place does not run smootly with #1 at the helm...not at all...there is a lot of unrest and its an unorganized shit show. If all the old school folk in the unit left #1 would shit her pants bc she would have no one to go to for the answers she doesnt have any clue about.

last 25 mins

...is always the hardest.

im gunna escape from here and go to the post office and the video store and then go home to dine on a divine frozen pizza and maybe get some snacks for Ayla and her friends tonight to go with the ice cream cake of holiness.

gawdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd I talked to idiot after whiney idiot on the phones today....I may start wearing ties so I can hang myself with ease....plus itll cover any dribbling I do.

oh the humanity!

Ayla asked if I'd get her an ice cream cake for her and her friends Friday after work since she didn't officially get a birthday cake this year...so I went and got her one today and this was all I could think of to write on it hahahahaha

Rick Springfield's 1973 animated cartoon dvd came in today....MADDIE! Come visit so we can watch it!!!!!!!

Terrie @ work was just in Mexico and brought me back this funny fatty mermaid with a blow job mouth xmas ornament...she knows I have a thing for weird things and this fit the bill perfectly!

RIP Brad...:o(

bazooka

I dont feel like ive blathered on in quite a while...

Well lemme see...ive lost my bank card...so im bank card-less til Saturday but in the mean time ive transferred some cash into Ayla's acct so she can get me some moola...

Upon deciding I could go back to MM for a half shift once per week for extra $ I am now having SERIOUS 2nd thoughts...mainly due to how the place makes me feel...I just had a conversation with my old MM boss about it and I now feel like I need to scrap the whole idea. If I need extra $ then maybe I should go about it some other way (not Rock Bay)...cuz I seriously feel sick at the thought of going backwards...I will think about it tomorrow and decide one way or another.

My cat is licking her butt right now. Awesome.

The documentary THE 11th HOUR is pretty good...I enjoyed it...and not just cuz Leonardo DiCaprio hosts it...I like how it offered some solutions and broke it down...its all rather mortifying...greed, media, corporate bs, apathy, etc Our culture is such a lazy one...oh and dont think for a moment I dont include myself in the mix, I totally do...it all sickens me.
If I had a gas can right now...

I love CSI Las Vegas...but I hate CSI Miami, mainly bc Horatio is such a cheesie bastard...well didnt Lisa at work share, with me, her sons absolute BEST pet name for that ginger headed fucktard:

CHEDDAR NUTS

thats right cheddar nuts...it encompasses his full aura...the ginger hair being the same color as cheddar...the nuts bc he is about as attractive as a ball sack....
Cheddar nuts it is!!!!!

Ok im going to call someone now!!!!!!

soapbox time

• I find it rather disturbing that these are getting refused here...its embarrassing really...the bit about how drivers and riders can't chose what bus to get on...anyone who wouldn't drive or ride a bus due to a particular ad clearly doesn't want a job that bad or needs to get anywhere that urgently...vegetarians have to ride bus's with mcdonalds ads all the time and no ones worried about their feelings...? I pay 720.00 year for my annual pass and another 350.00 for Ayla's annual pass...I wanna see those fucking ads on the bus so I can go rub myself up on them to freak the faint of heart right the hell out.

CLUCK HERE hahahah I typed cluck instead of click....but im leaving it bc its funnier

eBay Loot!

Hard to Hold is a shitty shitty movie but b/c Rick Springfield's bare ass is in it...I need it.
The Beat of the Live Drum dvd is a live concert...and WHO do u think directed it???

DAVID FINCHER...that's right...same David Fincher who made movies like Fight Club ,Seven, etc. Man he must have been just starting out to take on Rick Springfield at the height of his mullet mania. It is really cheesie but cheesie goodness like Kraft Dinner.

ADELE!!! Your book is here!!!! Wooohoooooo!! Will mail soon!

This is the cat listening to the dishwsher....mezmorized...too scared of the noise to hop up and check it out....so far anyway.

Nanaimo Pics

Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Ayla & David...super energetic

Uncle Jimmy

Ayla after shopping...im sure she was swearing at me for all the picture taking

Mama-To-Be Maggie after her Zoulas (sp?) swanky dessert she refused to share haha

thats the FUCK YOU MOM look

Pam is VERY facially expressive

im sure shes telling one of us we have stupid ideas here haha

Ohhhh little Cedar!!!

Maggie with child

Cedar glug glug glugging away his 10 pm snacker bottle while being in a baby coma

The floating cross in the sky...Nanaimo's most fabulous attaction!

The view Pam & Jim have now...very nice... The Nanaimo Yacht Club

she always manages to get her xmas cactus to bloom...

Pam's little ooga booga dude