Gonzo

The new Gonzo is finally out...page 32/33 - they spelled my name right this month WOOHOO!

CLICK HERE

June 24 2010: my future boner

June 22 2010

work yesterday went fast....so much work to do ill be busy all week...YAY!!!

interview seemed to go fine...will know next week...they are hiring so many ppl ill feel like a 100% douche if i dont get something this summer...

ran into ayla at the grocery store last night...she looked horrified...but i convinced her to tag along and cab the groceries home with me...gave her some shopping lessons seeing as shes oblivious...she commented about how she will be lost when she moves out and tries to do stuff like shopping....so ive told her she needs to take the time to come with me...so i showed her stuff like...unpeeling corn on the cob before you buy it to make sure u dont buy gimp corn, putting soft stuff like bread last on the check out b/c some dickweed WILL pile shit on top of it and u end up with squished bread EVERYTIME, to pack your meat purchases in to plastic bags or they dribble gross meat juice all over your other groceries...at one point she looked at me and said "how do you KNOW this stuff....?" in awe....I said "I am 40 in a few months, ive been shopping a while now"..."Oooooooo" she says "you are OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  haha  Jerk.

Read about this yet? CLICK HERE 
Awesome.
Here are my recents pics from the weekend! Baby donkey!! Peacock! Baby goats! PICS

Saturday June 19 2010

Sushi night went well...8 teens in the living room, high as kites, eating sushi like it was their last meal on earth...awesome. No leftovers really b/c a few girls who stayed on to study grazed until it was all gone....Nice.

Found out Friday I have a job interview Monday...eeek. Intake Administrator for a different ministry...would be a cool job I think plus im CONFIDENT the bldg would have A/C as that is why I want out of my current job right now...as it warms up its becoming abundantly clear that working in that old no A/C bldg will indeed kill me if I am there all summer...so I am kinda spazzing about that b/c I am UNPREPARED being that I have been off work all week and all the job stuff is AT work (job description and competencies etc) - so I will have about 2 hrs to get ready in the meantime I am going back to a weeks worth of work waiting for me piled up so I am shitting the bed about that as well...

Yesterday I hung with Donna a while before we all went to her place for a few drinks and then Graeme went home and we went to Logan's for skater punk rock band night...was ok...CLASS OF 1984 was the only band I liked...being that I am more a rocker chick than a punk chick I am not all that fond of punk bands but 84...they are good...super dirtbag crowd though...@ one point some guy came into the girls washroom practically begging any one to do coke with him....u know yer a loser when drunk chicks wont even do free coke with u......

Walked home after and realized I didnt have my keys b/c I was in such a rush to leave the house b/c Donna had to poo....and was waiting in the car downstairs! PRESSURE! So yeah Ayla LOVEDDDDDDDDDDDD me calling her cell to come let me in at 1 am...yeah...

June 17 2010: Sushi Day

Making sushi tonight for Ayla and a billion friends...should be interesting.
My little leprechaun friend looks GOOD in my room! My friend Deanna in PR snatched it from her kajillion yr old Gramma's house...its been there since Deanna was a small kid so I think its held up pretty damn well...and its all MINEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

June 15 2010

3 hrs til cervical violation commences....

Good visiting this weekend...
saw mom yesterday had a good solid 7-8 hr block of visiting and chuckling...

saw jerri and zed...zed walked in on me while i was peeing on the toilet (yes thats where i pee assholes) and should thank his lucky stars i hadnt stripped naked to get in the shower yet or he would still be curled in a ball in his bedroom crying, rocking himself...

saw deanna (and jordyn) and that was good, lotsa catching up to do...friggin lil jordyn can drive and drives better than i do ffs!!!

got some baby time in...sidney is so effing cute and madelyn was a whinneying horse all weekend...have fun with that phase ppl hahahaha

aunty pam and i head back after my dr appt on the 12 noon  ferry...then we will pick up jim in nanaimo and they will drive me home which is effing awesome b/c im SICK and ICKY and the thought of the bus is rather unappealing....sounds like G and A had a fine weekend...I know at least ONE of them misses my presence...unless hes just humoring me b/c he thinks hes supposed to...:P

June 13 2010

cant type on laptops so good....so this will be short...

im in powell river...
lotsa kid noise but also lotsa kid cuteness...
lotsa laughing as well bc the ladies in my family are delightfully retarded!

today i hang with the fam til 430...then im off to hang with Deanna for dinner and drinks...then if Jerri and Zed are in town (havent heard back from them yet) ill go bless them with my presence 4 the night......
Monday is MOM DAY! I am sure this will involve talking, food, Keno/Lottery etc....then Monday night with hte fam.....the Tuesday its early Dr appt and head back to the island. I am not correcting my typodds...it s too effed up on this machine......

PR is looking shabby,,,they havent seemingly invested a dime in PRETTIFICATION...this bothers me...

bbbbyeee

June 10 2010: GOOD BABY!

Matthew Good is gunna be a dad....and no I am not going to write and tell him the perils of doom he has to look fwd to.
WOOHOO!

June 9 2010: Inward Inspection

How did I end up living in a house with the 2 most non-communicative people I know? How did this happen? Is this punishment for being a Nazi in my last life? It feels as though it is...then I got to thinking last night that maybe it is me...perhaps I expect too much from people. Perhaps I expect people to communicate in such a way that is just not typical...maybe I am an arrogant fucking asshole and assume people should communicate with me simply b/c I think I am more awesome than I am...maybe I am abrasive and completely hard to talk to and truly have no idea...total ignorance on my part? Maybe the importance I place on communication is completely selfish and due to me requiring communication/details about things I alienate people around me? Look inward Conky...look inward.

Either way it’s frustrating as fuck. Exhausting. I am not one to NOT talk about the pink elephant in the room...if there is tension I would sooner face it and talk about it and get passed it even if that means it pisses me off b/c I didn’t get the answer I wanted or the reaction I craved. I grew up often being in the middle of uncomfortable tension...no one in my family had the skills to talk about anything rationally...it was always a dramatic pile of BS or it was never dealt with at all and it spiralled into a mess in its own right b/c of that...I could see very early on that lack of communication caused all sorts of other messes in life...be it by accident or blatant neglect. Things morph into whole other nightmares over things that are quite simple...I like to avoid unnecessary crap in life b/c it’s impossible to avoid crap as it is, why welcome more of it into your sphere of goodness just by not being a diligent communicator?

Some might think communication is easy for me but it is not...not at all...while I am generally fine with confrontation sometimes I don’t LIKE talking about how I feel...ok most of the time...I am rather picky about when I talk and to who...if I feel for 1 moment someone’s not interested or listening out of obligation or bored or I am just not connected with them I clam up and it’s all over. Sometimes u just have a better rapport with certain ppl, a flow....while others it feels forced and unnatural. I do prefer to be the listener most of the time...so u can imagine living with 2 ppl who don’t talk about feelings or issues leaves quite a large HOLE in meaningful conversation around the abode. Then sometimes I am so fucking mad I can’t speak even if someone wants me to...I choose to say nothing if I have nothing but venomous hatred to spew most of the time b/c I know once I am unleashed it is fairly hard to back pedal and make up for words already spoken. I know I don’t forget ANYTHING ppl say to me in anger...never have.

LIFE IS HARD when u care about people. Perhaps that’s the key...being a self absorbed ass face only concerned about your own needs and feelings ensures you are not spending much energy worrying about anyone else thus being tortured by their non-compliance ha-ha

I know this will come as a shock to some of u (ha-ha) but I am rather relationship retarded. I dunno HOW they are supposed to be, what’s normal, what’s not....only what I want and expect and I have no idea how rational that is. What a weird thought to realize that you may appear completely irrational to everyone in your life....?

Poo and your bum (June 8 2010)

Not sure if any of you have joined in on this new phenomenon or not but as it turns out a lot of ppl do it and just don’t talk about it until someone else makes mention of it and then they confess they’ve been doing it for years...which I find most amusing.

This is regarding poo and wiping ones butt. Seemed like a sure thing the ol’ TP/WIPE but as it turns out we have been mislead to believe this is good enough.

Raeleigh’s Blog:
I am here today to speak to you about the merits of the Wet Wipe.
Now, settle down bashful creatures. I have some news for you. It is true, the sentiment my three-year-old shares with various strangers throughout the course of our day.
Everybody poops.
Yes, even you. We all know.
Your super sexy girlfriend?
She’s most definitely a toilet plugger.
The hot chicks of the world are infamous for shitting.
Yes, Rod Bruno, I am talking to you.
It is really time people let go of their bizarre personal shitting conspiracies.
If you show me someone who doesn’t shit, within three days I will provide you with video footage of myself confronting that person while they are shitting. A toileting raid, so to speak.
So I may have to stalk them for a couple days?
Such is my dedication to disproving this myth.
Anyways, back to the Wet Wipe.
I made my initial discovery of the Wet Wipe for adult usage quite by accident. As I was a new mom, the introduction of the Wet Wipe to my toileting facility was a recent development. Like many of you I was, until that point, an uninformed user of the toilet paper. So on this momentous occasion, as I was wrapped up my shitting experience I reached for what I was to discover was an empty toilet paper roll.
Blast.
Panic stricken I scanned the contents of my bathroom for something that would not be missed in the event that it mysteriously disappeared.
Nothing.
It was then that my frantic gaze came to rest upon the box of Wet Wipes that stood taunting me from the counter.
The rest, my dears, is fucking history.
Wet Wipes and I were crazy about each other. We were basically skipping through fields of wildflowers holding hands and singing. When my ass met the wetness of the wipe it was one of the truest connections I had made to date. Like that scene in Ghost with the pottery wheel except this time the clay was shit and Patrick Swayze was dead.
Total magic.
My personal elation at the cleaning power of the Wet Wipe led me to marvel at the fact that I had up until that point been able to exist in it’s absence.
All of those wasted years.
That is when it occurred to me to conduct a very personal experiment, the results of which I am going to revile you with RIGHT NOW.
I decided that the next time I felt the desire to construct another Ass Chandelier I was going to take care of business much as I would have in my former life as a toilet paper user. BUT THEN instead of saying my goodbyes and carrying on with my day I gave the old hot button a once over with, YES YOU KNOW IT, a Wet Wipe.
What I discovered could only truly be expressed in a three part National Expose entitled…
An Inconvenient Truth: Shit is Still on Your Ass.
And it most certainly is.
Imagine this. You come home drunk and decide to make some delicious stovetop chocolate pudding. Everything is going fine as your pudding reaches the desired consistency. BUT THEN as you drunkenly attempt to spoon the pudding to your stupid drunken face you accidently drop an ample ladle of it, not into your shameless drunken mouth, BUT right down your neck and into your overly exposed cleavage.
Christ, you are such a loser.
Now, imagine that you were to clean up the chocolate pudding using only paper towel while at the same time NOT LOOKING AT YOUR OWN TITS.
This is basically what you are doing.
I assure you that when you wake up in the morning and take a long, hard look at that alcoholic whore in the mirror you are going to wonder what the fuck that dry brown shit is between her tits.
True Story.
They may not be the greatest idea for your septic tank or our environment but let me tell you my environment has never been more pristine.
So humor me. Stop being an alcoholic whore and give yourself the Box of Wipes Challenge. If you can honestly tell me that your life has not been forever changed I will happily allow you to go back to being covered in shit on the regular.
Goodnight and God bless.

Matt Good’s Blog:
My wife wrote something horrifically true the other day. If you’re squeamish, stop reading this right now.
Okay – the next time that you go to the washroom use regular toilet paper to wipe. Then go out and get some wet wipes, the sort made for infants and toddlers. Then, the next time that you go the washroom use toilet paper to wipe and when you think you’re done grab a wet wipe and wipe again.

That, my friends, is what you’re not picking up.

Being that we don’t live in a part of the world in which the bidet is used, the truth is that, despite our growing love affair with all things antibacterial, your ass is nowhere near as clean as you think it is.
So try the wet wipe challenge. You’ll be glad you did.

I caught on to this about 4 months ago and it has changed my life. It’s like crack (pardon the pun)...U can’t NOT use them once you start. I have some at work JUST IN CASE PUBLIC POOPING IS UNAVOIDABLE...I plan to take a pack on my trip this week...Oh yeah it is that good. I was VERY resistant at first, having had a few friend who swore by them for years...I thought it was prissy and hoytee and really....we haven’t died YET so why all the fuss?...til I tried them...now I belong to the Church of the Holy Wet Wipes. My work is done here...thank you Mr and Mrs Good for the Public Service Announcement re: Poop.

ball sucker sunday june 6 2010

Yesterday was hot as hell.....today rainy and cool....today will be better than yesterday...I demand it.

On Thursday night one of Ayla's friends from middle school, Justin, was murdered at the bus stop not far from where we live. Just standing there waiting for his bus when some man came up to him and stabbed him  in the chest and left....without any sort of exchange or altercation. Needless to say this has been cause for some superior mindfuckery. Ayla is quite sad...she cries whenever we talk about it...and we are both hideously mortified that it was implied in an early news article about it that no one helped Justin as he laid bleeding to death on the ground....the "gore" made witnesses reluctant. Wow. Now as it often goes in news articles it was vague...maybe someone did grab their coat and apply pressure until the ambulance arrived...??? I dunno BUT if that was not the case I hope every fucking one of those gawking assholes who were there can live with the knowledge that they are pieces of shit. Whether it would have bought him the time needed to survive or not is irrelevant to me...the inaction is what makes me ill. I would be horrified to think that no one would try and help my kid in that situation...I cannot imagine standing around on a sidewalk while someone died in front of me and not trying to do SOMETHING...it makes me ill....I am so sad for his family...the shock and horror that is their life right now....and all the questions...the WHYs?
The person responsible turned himself into the cop shop 15 mins later...it is being reported that friends of his say he's an addict and is bi-polar and schizophrenic...oh the shock. <---sarcasm. Who in their right mind would do this? Of course he has mental health issues? and is an addict? DUH. Good thing we keep shutting down services for these ppl in this province hey? Good thing b/c we wouldn't want to HELP these sick people and try to avoid this shit from happening....yes I know the odds of a mentally ill person doing something like this is low...but when u hear about people not on meds cutting ppls heads off on greyhounds or stabbing young kids at a bus stop you cant help but buy into the hysteria about it a little.
Victoria is rampant with crystal meth addicts....just walk down Pandora and Quadra...it is evident. Like I didn't worry enough about my kid out around town...now it just feels like a stroke of luck that she is okay...
Ugh....so yeah - hug your kid(s).................fuck.

hmmmmm

what to do what to do.....the world is my weekend oyster...no real plans all weekend aside from hitting the bra store...I have promised myself to toss out all my old shitty bras after purchasing 3 new ones at the bra store (super sale!) that will mean I have 5 good bras and THIS has never happened...ever...so the shitty bra graveyard in my top left drawer will all be gone! FREEEEDOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!

June 3 2010

Busy day today...leave work at 3 to get to an appt. at Ayla’s new high school for 4...then zip downtown to meet G for a bite to eat before the auction to try and win me a dead taxidermied turtle...then his sister and niece are in town so we will flutter over to meet up with them for a hotel room visit (that sounds dirtier than it is)...then I will surely be in menstrual hell by then and want to die. Yay me. By the way T3’s are the way to endure the 1st 2-3 hellish days of hideous periodness...they should dole that shit out to all menstruating girls. Ok maybe not ALL of them...but...

Ayla’s getting skittish about eating beef. I have no issue with that but...really if u have an issue with how beef is raised, kept, slaughtered and processed then u may as well give up all meet b/c its all one in the same really...chickens and piggies too...going meatless is a big deal in our house b/c Miss Ayla doesn’t like beans or grains...or veggies all that much so...wtf?? I am a mean person and am ok with eating animals that died terribly...it seems a crime to not eat them since they endured such horror to get to my dinner plate. Least I can do is enjoy them. If Ayla gives up on beef that still leaves pork and chicken and fish....but roast beef nights are out I guess...as are beef dip sandwiches...burgers...ohhh skinny little McD’s cheese burgers....oh wait that’s not meat....ohhh teriyaki beef stir fry....

I got a response from one of the jobs I applied for thus far...SLOW process......but hoping to weasel into an interview...

I signed Ayla up for dance next year...Modern only...I really enjoyed her year-end dance this year, this was her 1st year in Modern and it was lovely...then I wandered over to Tracey and Adrienne’s...Adrienne’s ankle/leg is looking good and she is slightly more mobile. Gotta say I am more than impressed with the scarring...it really has healed nicely and the scar isn’t going to be ghastly at all. It really looked like Frankenstein...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIL SEESTER KIMMY!!!!!! xo

Jean Claude Chocolaty Goodness

Ohhh the child endears herself to me occasionally...and all it takes is some paper-mache and some brown paint....I have named my new Ayla-Made Monkey ~JEAN CLAUDE~. He looks chocolaty...like a poo sculpture really...I love him...Ayla rarely puts for effort for me let alone full blow gestures of niceness so they are super special when they come my way...I am so desperate for them I suck it all up like a dead dry sponge.

Dentist today...get to lv work early...always a treat...even for the dentist....I am in uterus peril currently for the next few days so I am armed with products and Tylenol...Graeme has already endured the “week prior to my period” hell and survived....just. He is bald now. Not b/c I am psycho the week before my period. He hated his new haircut so bad he opted to just get rid of it all...feels yummy.

I was just enjoying a package of Sesame Snaps -180 calories & 10 grams of fat FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!! JESSSSSSSUS! Didn’t see that coming! Must be that special fat they make in Poland to send over to the fat westerners to keep us plump and sedated with sesame sugary goodness. So much for that innocent little snack.

I bought my bus ticket to Nanaimo yesterday so I can go stay with Aunty Pam the night before we travel up to Powell River on June 12th. WOOHOO! Will be there til the 15th...then I still have a few days to bask in non-working glory cuz I don’t go back til the 21st.

Wow Israel...could you be a bigger douche bag? I know this is a complex issue and the Palestinians are not exactly cloaked in flowers and innocence but JFC – ppl gotta eat...and gotta have stuff...buncha jackasses. This who issue is maddening b/c you know neither side will ever relent since it is based on some stupid religious bullshit...gawd what a fucking waste of a life (lives!) spending it fighting for something so ridiculous...Ohhh no we must have this land b/c Jesus was here once....ohhh no we must have this land for some other equally retarded reason....I shoot u....BANG....oh shit here comes a missile...oh great all my kids just got killed....awesome...ohhh look a 7 yr old sniper is going to shoot me...fuck off already.