My lovely Deanna...

I write this with tears running down my face...my lovely friend Deanna died this morning and I have just gotten home from work and can finally lose myself in the utter sadness of her being gone.

It seems so fucking unfair - knowing her heart like I did - to know she is gone and did not get to finish things she had been working so hard towards.

To most anyone who knew her she was a selfless, kind, generous, funny and lovely human. Beautiful soul. The last few years were rough for her...she was dealing with a lot of personal issues and going through a transformation of sorts....a transformation that was confusing and not near complete. I am sad for her that she won't get to enjoy a little inner peace that comes from getting to "that" place at the end of a long, hard journey.

Deanna was an amazing mother to her daughter Jordyn - her demeanor and kind nature were something I always aspired to and failed miserably at. Deanna was so completely dedicated doing the best for Jordyn and sacrificing so much to ensure Jordyn grew into a mature, well adjusted young lady - it saddens me to think of all that Deanna will miss out on...and in turn the massive void left for Jordyn and Deanna's husband Mike to try to live with.

This was so not part of the plan...so many things left unsaid and unexplored in life...

So many wonderful memories of her astounding friendship...not many ppl will drop everything and take 2 ferries to rescue a friend after the US border cops refuse your friend entry to the USA and then drive that friend (me!) 3 hours across the border to ensure your holiday plans are not ruined....and without even being asked. I will miss her terribly.

My heart goes out to Jordyn, her husband Mike, niece Kori and Jeff, who she took in and cared for when he needed it most - and the rest of her family and friends who will surely feel the this loss for years to come...RIP Deanna xo

Sleeping under a red flag...

I am the official IGNORER of RED FLAGS...ok wait...let me explain...I guess I do not ignore them – I am well aware of most of them all the time. In context of my personal health – or lack thereof – I just set them aside and carry on. Every bite of food I put in my mouth those bastard red flags are waving and screaming at me in my head....I just keep chewing...Ok I am an ignorer.

My eye appt yesterday was yet another red flag....my eyeball veins are high blood pressure veins not nice straight pretty regular veins so that pissed me off b/c I don’t want my eyes screaming at me too now but – it is what it is so this means it is time to get down to business and join the Y and get on a fucking treadmill and treadmill to nowhere...it will be better on my dying feet...and it is just 2 blocks up from my work so after work I can go there 3x a week I am thinking and treadmill to nowhere...I will eventually do more walking again once I lose a bit and my feet become accustomed to being crushed excessively on a regular basis...Having managed to lose 70 lbs in a good way in the past it is not an unattainable thing in my mind it just requires dedication and diligence and constant self awareness to squash my self-defeating tendencies...I am my own worst enemy – always have been. I am the harbinger (not quite the right word but I like it anyhow) of my own misery and defeat.

I will say last time I was on a fantastic roll (before my Achilles/foot exploded and ruined my life – so dramatic) and the catalyst had something to do with hot, awesome sex so...being catalyst-less this time will probably be a little less dramatic but a better way to get going so there isn’t that crash once the hot sex thing goes sideways (and you know it always does)...

It is really nice having my sister at my house...not just because she vacuums and does dishes and cooks sometimes either....there is a sense of comfort with her presence...I like it. I can keep an eye on her...and she is fun too...I like it...as per usual with job shit in Victoria it is a slow process so even having applied for 84783759837589379405 jobs it takes eons to hear back from places which is annoying! But she will get something...and until then I am quite happy having her and making sure she eats and is warm and safe.

Lisa L. @ work is someone I have liked since before we moved up to this new location....I recently discovered she is a Rick Springfield lunatic...so for the 1^st time in my life I have an adult to talk to about all things Springfield. I am still grossed out by recent revelations his book and such uncovered for me but I seem to be able to take myself back to my 11/12 year old brain – before internet, plastic surgery and gossip marred him for me...and just relive the musical obsession. Guy thinks it is disturbing and fucked up that ppl encourage young girls to fantasize and swoon over grown men when it is clearly socially unacceptable for a man that old to show any interest in girls that age. Fair statement...I get it...it is...no argument...it is all so contrived and it is like we girls are being played like fiddles so a bunch of assholes can make a shit ton of money for what...? Most of the time these performers don’t even possess any real talent...it is the ultimate con. But when I think back to being 10+...and recall how music was the ONE thing I relied upon for happiness – the ONE thing that distracted me from the crap that was my life at the time...is it any wonder my brain has the music of that era burned into it? That decade from 1980-1990 was an amazing musical wonderland for me....all the music I loved is etched into my soul...the good and bad haha

I guess from rereading that last paragraph it is not hard to see how I ended up as a 42 yr old IGNORER of RED FLAGS...I have been ignoring un-pleasantries my whole life...and using music to aid in that. Huh...

Let's be honest...

I have to poop right now so I don't know how interesting this will be since I am fairly preoccupied.

It is a sunny Saturday here...Kim and I did pancakes for dinner...I made her eat Vietnamese food for dinner last night and she was a willing participant...she isn't nearly as picky as I thought. When we got home last night I gorged on cherry cola coke bottle candy and we played scrabble...I then lapsed into a sugar coma for the whole night and was in dead snoring and drooling by 10:30 pm. Holy loser.

Pam and Jim are coming today....with Maddie...we will do dinner and then family swim at their hotel which I am sure will involve someone nearly drowning or hurting themselves...I think A. is lamenting and sad b/c her friends have left for Ecuador and she was supposed to be with them... :o( If she isn't extended at the end of March I think she will meet up with them wherever they are.


Today I think I will throw out some crap...oh and poop of course. Bye.

She has arrived...

Ms Pouter Face wishing these unicorn slippers would fit her.

She arrived in one piece...did not crash the Uhaul truck or kill any hitchhikers along the way from Jasper....and thank gawd Kate and Lisa came to help unload into the storage unit b/c Kim and I would still be there doing it if they hadn't helped! 

She is settled and already looking for work. I am back to work today on this fine Valentine's Day (barf)...more later...

Learning never stops...

What a week. Glad it is over....I had a spazz out at work the other day (to myself) about the shoes I had on....I am the princess and the pea about my shoes...if they are not exactly right I cannot function...and these new shoes were KILLING ME....and making me so mad....so I hobbled to the shoe store next door and basically sat on the bench begging the woman to find me a pair of shoes that would not cripple me in 5 mins that did not look like granny/nurse shoes...it took some time b/c I have a ridiculous shoe size for someone my height (size10/E width AKA giant duck feet) but eventually I found a pair...which are exactly like a pair I have at home except black. Not a cheap endeavor...but ffs man...my Grandad always said "you gotta have good shoes and take care of your feet."....best advice he ever gave me...so true.

Been doing some personal digging into my own psyche recently as well...which has proven to be a fruitful experience. Funny how even the simplest of truths can be easily avoided for a long time just for the same of coping...a shift in my attitude is required. Not too sure how that will work or how certain behaviors will be exchanged for new ones but...it is time for me to stop being overwhelmingly preoccupied by other peoples emotions and well being and worry about my own. Not to say I run around saving the world or solving ppls issues but I spend far far too much energy worrying about shit I have no control over...neurotically so...expending so much emotional energy on people and their situations, constantly stressed out, feeling depleted on every level there is nothing left in me to deal with my own shit...good avoidance/coping skill hey? Yeah...it has become quite clear to me how this will play out if I do not attempt to change my own way to cope with things.

A catalyst for this epiphany was talking to Connie last night...and out of the blue me explaining to her how I spend each and everyday worrying the ppl I care about: my cousins, my aunts, my sister, my friends, my work friends...my kid...myself...daily....then add in unresolved shit...my brothers death...childhood crap...I feel like a Romanian orphan...who cannot stand to be touched...or shown affection...can't stand crowds...over react to any criticism or judgment from ppl I don't even give a shit about....basically on hypersensitivity mode 24/7...talking it out with Connie (who has a Masters in Clinical Psych and is awesome in these situations where I lose my shit) and getting extremely upset about describing how I feel my empathy meter within myself is broken and is just on overload every.single.fucking.day...so tiring - she blurted out that it is easier to worry and get caught up with other ppl problems than deal with your own...classic coping mechanism. Well fuck. How simple is that...? So I came across an article on the topic of hypersensitivity (thought I am sure my abrasive nature hardly comes off as being sensitive to most ppl - at face value anyway) and was blown away...that doesn't happen often...so identifying yourself as an emotional sponge entails these items of interest:
*People call you "hyper-sensitive", "overly sensitive", etc., and they don't mean it as a compliment (in my case I react with anger)

*You sense fear, anxiety, and stress from other people and draw this into your body, resolving them as your own physical pain and symptoms. It doesn't have to be people you don't know or don't like; you're also impacted by friends, family, and colleagues. 

*You quickly feel exhausted, drained, and unhappy in the presence of crowds. 

*Noise, smells, and excessive talking can set off your nerves and anxiety. 

*You need to be alone to recharge your energy. 

*You're less likely to intellectualize what you're feeling. Your feelings are easily hurt. 

*You're naturally giving, generous, spiritually inclined, and a good listener. 

*You tend to ensure that you've got an escape plan, so that you can get away fast, such as bringing your own car to events, etc. 

*The intimacy of close relationships can feel like suffocation or loss of your own self. 

 There are more...and there is not one that doesn't describe me on some level...(replace "car" with bus schedule/bus pass or cab phone #).
I recall as a child being keenly aware that I cried too easily and made every attempt to not let my true feelings show from a very early age (I don't think this is uncommon for many people either)...I have spent my life trying to not appear sensitive. Not that I am going to turn into one of these hippy dippy weirdos with this personal revelation but...I am certainly into exploring it and it explains a lot...like how A. putting dishes away at 9 pm will send me into a tailspin of complete discomfort and rage...the loud noises....noise is something I have noticed recently that I am really bothered by but attributed it to old age (haha) when in fact it always has...I just never made the connection. It explains why I tend to hide out at family gatherings in a bedroom...the chaos, the noise...the crowd...is at times too much...while at the same time I love spending time with my family...my unreasonable drive to just be alone after being around people...people I love and adore...a nice day with friends...and all I think about is being alone....resting and resetting myself...toss in some inability to trust people and other poor coping skills and well..you have a cauldron of complete unhealthy, unhappy fuckery....

Yeah so...there. One more stop up the ladder rung to self enlightenment. 

A Magical Duo

Diaper Cake

Sarah came over last night and we made this for her co-workers baby shower tomorrow...I was a bit disappointed there was no real cake involved but I got to sniff newborn baby diapers and they smell really yummy so that was ok... (wow - that doesn't sound weird or anything...)

This is the weirdest, girliest thing I have ever been part of making...Probably won't ever make another one b/c I am way too OCD for that ribbon business...That was Sarah's soul-responsibility. So yeah....there it is...A DIAPER CAKE...no big deal. ha.

Suckage

 

Just got word that Barb's chemo and radiation did not take and the tumor is bigger than ever...her son Naveed said she is in the hospital and will pass away peacefully and pain free...which I guess is some sort of fucked up blessing. Feel terrible for them all...terrible loss. No idea how long she has but it sounds imminent. I hope she won't pass on Naveed's birthday on the 4th.
This photo was taken by our mutual friend Denis Savoie who visited her a few weeks ago...captured her smile brilliantly...wouldn't think anything was wrong with her if you didn't know better.

AJ @ work on her birthday....

2013-02-01 12.26.12, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

all grown up!

Riley Jay Ellwyn ~ Feb 1 2013

Riley Jay Feb 1 2013, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Bullets at my heels...

"...I'm never going back, I'm running from the sun, bullets at my heels, the devil's got a gun..."

OMG Whitehorse was so amazing live...I think Amanda and Adrienne agree with me 100% when I say it is one of the best performances I have been to...their looping expertise is fun and interesting to watch....Liam Finn loops a lot as well and I really enjoy that live...it was hotter than Hades in the venue and their bottles of water were 4 bucks a pop but damn – great show. Opener Daniel Romano (sp?) was not my cup of tea...early on I kind of thought it might be a comedy skit b/c the honky tonk was so severe....I just couldn't stomach it...his weirdo get up was the most bizarre though....he walked in with a hipster jacket on and looked to be your typical Victoria hipster kid.....then comes out on stage wearing a sparkly cowboy suit and hat....It was just too much...BUT THAT'S OK BECAUSE WHITEHORSE MADE UP FOR IT! I couldn't stop staring at either of them on stage....hmmm who would I rather make out with...Luke Doucet or Melissa McLelland...?

Tonight right after work we (me, Donna, Erin, Amanda, Lisa etc) are heading to Soprano's Karaoke Bar with Ms. A. for her birthday grub and shenanigans...Erin is going to sing a song for her and we are all pretty stoked about that. Stay tuned to youtube for that funniness.

Maggie is being induced right this second...would be cute for new baby Riley to share and birthday with A. She is on board too! Hope it is short and goes well for Maggie after all this waiting...Kelly just told me it's all rolling along thus far a little quicker than last time so this is good! The cool thing about this new baby....Riley Jay is his name...Riley was my grandads father's name...and Jay is my middle name which was taken from my grandfathers Uncle Jay....I love that connection even if it wasn't intended or on purpose.

Happy 19th Birthday!

Hard to believe...19. So awesome....................................................I am free eee eeee eee eee eee eeeeee...hahah hahaa hahaha hahahaaaaaa aaaaaaaa

Ok we are never REALLY free but it is an interesting time in the relationship...I am enjoying it!

HAVE FUN TODAY BIRTHDAY GIRL!