monday meh!

im going to work early today so i can leave early since i am doing the AM phone shift this morning... cuz u know i cant wait to get back home and listen to the teenage sighing, slamming around and comments not so veiled in malice. how sweet is my life hey?

watched VALLEY GIRL last night...omfg i forgot how funny that movie was and how effing cute nicholas cage was as a young punk! i had a few moments where i actually LOL'd (like, for real!) ...

am at a complete loss about an issue im having with other parents currently...beginning to think i am perceived a lot differently than i perceive myself...its either that or the handful ive had to deal with are just messed up and love living in denial...i dunno...either way i am officially done feeling obligated to share information with them regarding the shit their kids are up to when i bust mine for something...the lack of parental camaraderie in this city disturbs me...ive never once rec'd a phone call from any other parent for a heads up about ANYTHING...thats 7+ yrs...while ive made MANY of these calls...perhaps i come off looking like a busybody with nothing better to do...? anyway...either way i am done.

sunday aug 30 2009

YAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I woke up at 530! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
I am napping today come hell or high water.

QUOTE OF THE CENTURY directed at me from Ayla last night:

"I'm so lonely I am talking to YOU!"

I cannot tell you how amusing this was to me. Someone is not enjoying grounding...

S & M

merry good morning people....
it is a saturday here...the gulls are squawking outside at decibels hard to imagine...ayla the vicious badger is asleep still thank gawd...its been quite the few days around here...i don't think my ex steve managed to insult me on levels ayla has recently...and let me tell you he was a cruel bastard.
all i do is sit back and smile...and if u ever wanna push a teenage girl over the edge to the brink of psychosis ground her from going out until school starts, remove her internet access and suspend her cell phone...its gunna be a long long long 2 weeks...but im not backing down...if she doesn't comply with not going out then i dunno what'll happen but...im hoping she will simmer and get some perspective soon. last night shit was flying out of her bedroom like a tornado hit...i think i need to make a point of having ppl over, she doesn't act like a psycho if ppl are here...

rearranged my bedroom last night...i know i know...ocd jen but when i start not sleeping well i usually do change my room around bc i find it helps...i slept really good last night with my head facing the outside wall...and not having to face the city lights...sometimes i love that but its so effing bright sometimes i don't like it.

today ill rape the living room and revamp it...i think arika is coming over to knit while i tiddle about the house.

no other plans 4 the weekend...maybe roast beef at cassies later...walk walk walk...that's it.
am hoping ayla can be coerced to watch religulous with me but i wont hold my breath cuz that might insinuate she doesn't hate my guts and im not a complete fucking bitch.

there is something about moments where you are sitting and experiencing a verbal assault by the one person in the world you would kill for, maim for & die for telling you how intensely she loathes you, how worthless you are to her, how deep her hate runs for you...oddly i am not breaking into a million little broken pieces over it b/c - sadly - i have become accustomed to this talk from her - i expect it...and i can appreciate it being her truth right now...gawd knows i wanted to kill my own mother at 15...and beyond.

its a weird spot to be in...im avoiding violence at all costs bc i know once we go there it will all be lost. a physical altercation with her right now would end badly and i just don't want her having FIST FIGHT WITH MOM stories when shes grown up like i have with my own...then at the same time b/c she cannot be reasoned with AT ALL its like ive become this abused woman living in a house with someone who at every turn will run a dagger through me and there is little i can do about it...i have to sit here smiling and not reacting as I get shredded...its like being a kid myself again, completely helpless while someone uses me as a tool to get their aggression out.

but i will hunker down and endure...i have been appreciating advice ive sought even from kidless ppl...the objectivity is refreshing...
its a very different reality 4 ayla than it was for me...even though i was a raging angry teenager oozing aggression and shittiness i spent a good part of my life living with male figures where fear was a factor...she has never had that, i have had to be the nurturing parent and the intimidating parent all in one and while the intimidation is clearly slipping now i have morphed it and put it back on her...i cant stop her from leaving the house when she is grounded, its completely on her to check herself and decide how she wants all this to go and i just keep putting it back on her...
all i know is im sticking this 2 weeks out and if she steps outta line it will prolong it into the new school year and that's entirely up to her.

aint parenting grand? and ppl ask why i never had another one.

no bloodshed

more later

interesting

CLICK HERE

Aug 26 2009

so i think i have done it...i think i have become one with the impending lay off (which as far as i am concerned from all the budget talk on the radio and such are going to indeed happen)...
...i have 3 mths worth of rent saved...i will cancel my landline phone and cable tv...internet only and cell phones we will keep...we can totally coast...im gunna think of it as a vacation....thats right mthrfckrs...a vacation...so whatever happens happens...

lil miss ayla's gotten herself in a world of trouble currently..she is due home today...blow out to ensue...actually i am avoiding the blow out, might have a 3rd party attend to ensure it wont escalate...either way she was busted fair and fucking square and now must pay the piper for her dirtbag web of lies....
this was the longest and worst summer ever and she will not be staying in town the whole summer next year, job or not.
cathy/kim/mags/kel...you might have a visitor next summer. :o)

i did that hill 2x yesterday...after work and then on my might time walk.
i own that fucking hill now...it is my bitch.
DO YOU HEAR THAT HILL...YOU ARE MY BITCH.

next zak hang time may involve a speedo....that's all im saying 4 now...

there are some good shows going on in town this weekend...might keep me occupied @ night while Ayla's home grounded...and yes just 4 the record i realize her being grounded does punish me as much as it punishes her....i am well aware.........sigh.........esp once her phone gets suspended....she will unravel or she will dig in and be a righteous little MFer...i told her to come home humble....i doubt she can...its not her nature unless its self serving and im thinking she will be too PO'd to pull it off.

back to work...lunch is over.

armpit rape

my cat tried to rape Zak's armpit yesterday.

she does this with males...acts all crazy and wont stop sniffing their arm pits.......tries to nuzzle right in and then gets extremely affectionate....lol
so far zak and zed (hmmmm Z connection perhaps?) have had the most dramatic effect on her....its so queer to watch...lol esp when she starts baring her teeth hahahahah i got a few pictures of her laying blissfully on him looking intoxicated with his pheromones....haaaaaaa.

freak cat.


today im thinking is a MOVIE day....may wander down and see the time travellers wife so i can
bawl my head off in the privacy of a dark theatre! it looks severely sad to me but gawd how i live for that

shit...plus eric bana...sighhhhhhh


hhahahaha look at the cat in the last picture...LOL she is drunk hahahahaha

well im off to clean up and face this day....back to work tomorrow...

and no im not going to Pearl Jam in Vancouver in
September *pout* - stop asking.

Gramma

I am old. Leaving the house at 1130 pm to go anywhere is rather unheard of...I wandered down to Logan's...it was dead as a door nail due to a bunch of other shows going on around town sadly....so BLENDING IN was not as easy I had hoped....

I got myself an orange juice (if that's not hardcore I dunno what is) and scoped the place for an unassuming spot to plant myself....I chose to lay low at the back...I was there 4 minutes when this extremely drunk man came and stood beside me...in my mind I am screaming FUCK OFFFFF at top volume...not making eye contact, eyes to the floor, inching further away every second...I could tell he was looking at me...and I wanted to die...I kept ignoring him...but eventually he swooped right into my face and in what only language a drunk person can speak said:

Drunk: Hey! Am I good looking?
Me: Are u fucking kidding me?
Drunk: No...Im theriouthhhhhhhh... {that's *serious* is drunk speak in case u missed it}...my girlfriend of 8 years just dumped me and she told me I wasn't good lookin' and now I am thinking I am not good looking.
Me: I am sure she was just mad at you, don't worry about it.
Drunk: No but theriouthly....do you think ima good looking guy?
Me: {at this point I am amused} I am sure sober you are a good looking guy.
-this is the point he start playing with his hair overtop of my drink which I promptly move-
Drunk: Well, you know I live just a block away, we could go party at my house if ya want....
Me: I just got here and I am not going to your house.
Drunk: WELL I DIDNT MEAN WE WAS GUNNA FUCK!
Me: I did not presume such an atrocity.
Drunk: *undetectable drunk babble* Maybe I will go try out those girls over there...
Me: I think that's the best idea you have had tonight.

He eventually wandered off with 2 pals who before they left introduced themselves asking if I was the drunks friend...I said NO.

See...that's who I get....disgusting slobbering drunks in bars and 70 yr old men at Fairway Market. HA HA HA

The show was great...whether u like that music or not they are good...and of course I always enjoy being visually fixated by a certain someone but I gotta say it was a little odd having his ex there selling merch...being that it wasnt crowded I felt like I was sticking out like a sore thumb even though I am sure I managed invisibility as well as I always do (excluding drunk fuckhead guy)...afterwards I left promptly and hauled ass home in record time....of course I was WIDE AWAKE for another hour....going to bed at 2 isnt so bad when u dont wake up at 6 am. I dunno wtf is wrong with me waking up so fucking early all the time...I have a lot of energy these days but I am not getting quite enough sleep...I think this week I will make myself be in bed for 10 pm to make up for it.

Sat 11 pm

Well look at me Mz Old Lady Hardcore...in about a half hour I am wandering to Logan's to watch the mighty SELF INFLICTED...alone. Yes....that's right. I can think of 800 other things I'd rather do than go to a bar BY MYSELF but....such is life...if I wanna see the band then that's all there is to it. Slip in - slip out - undetected. Like an FBI Ninja Spy.
I would never just go hang out at a bar by myself...but b/c I have a focus/agenda it isn't so bad....to appear extra loser-ish I always bring a book in case I have to wait...If I was Arika I would bring my knitting.

Jesus Christ I tore my closet apart today...I HAVE A BUTTLOAD OF CLOTHES! I wanted to try on pants from yesteryear to see if they fit again...and some do (WOOT WOOT) so I am trying to get it all organized and get rid of at least 20 of my black tshirts....*eyeroll*

Tomorrow is Zakday....errr I mean Sunday...Beacon Hill Park walk...some steak...a movie....and such.

I love all these crazy pics cousin Kelly sends of lil Madelyn! Crazy kid!

I have buggered my shoulder...most unpleasant.
And despite my nap this evening my body is screaming bedtime...its about a 20 min walk, that should perk me up...
I just realized I will have to walk up the evil hill to get home...bleh!!!!!!

Guy & Donna - Chinatown Dining

Lady of the Night/Day getting spruced up in a phone booth....
Guy managed to get this shot despite an uncooperative guy parking his bike....

now dontcha just wanna go here for lunch???

WHO WANTS LIVE CRABS?!?!?!?!?! not me!

WOW!

it is a good day!

i just narrowly escaped a bird shitting on me at the crosswalk.

i should by a lottery ticket!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

happy friday the 21st

Yay friday...will be super quiet at work today...everyone but 3 of us will be at the funeral.

I was dead as a pile of hair last night...fell asleep on the couch early...woke up at 130 am all disoriented and confused wondering wtf day it was...the cat was sprawled on top of me so she kept me warm...good kitty.

Not super happy that I got up at 430 am but...whatever.

all I do is doodle squids these days....guess that's better than other things I could be doing...

I am severely PO'd that the Tool Tribute band LOOT canceled their show on Saturday at Lucky...I have been looking fwd to that for a few mths now...POUT. Rude!
Fuckin fuck.

So I have to busy myself elsewhere I guess...was a little flush this payday so I tossed 250.00 into the layoff fund...do u like how I said that like I was happy and chirpy? ha.

Thin Sharpie Felt Pens are one of my favorite things on earth.
As long as I got Sharpies I will be ok.

Aug 20 2009 Thursday

Tomorrow work is shutting down so everyone can attend the funeral of out bosses husband. I am not going...I am staying at work to work on paperwork.
I avoid funerals like I avoid weddings for the most part...thankfully I have had to avoid far fewer funerals than weddings so far...

I had never met her husband Lou...but it always struck me as awesome that they were high school sweethearts and even had a baby together in high school (whoops! surprise!) and were still together...THIS IS UNCOMMON! And as a family they sounded extremely solid...always just thought they must have been lovely together b/c Michelle was certainly a radiant human...

I am also not fond of public blubbering...my own or other ppls...it would only take one glimpse at Michelle and her 2 boys to send me over the edge...and it would be like watching Princess Diana's funeral on my couch in Powell River at 3 am way back when...I was fine til they showed her boys walking with her casket...then it was ALL OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....

I have only been to 2 funerals...Kerry Carlson's when I was a teenager...he was killed in Vancouver riding a motorcycle, being chased by the cops...hit a tree...I didn't know Kerry well but we hung in the same circle...and being at that service was pure and utter hypocrisy...I left being embarrassed for him...it couldn't have been less about him if they intended it to be. I guess that's what funerals are...for everyone left behind...once you are dead it's not like u get a say...
Felt the same about my brothers funeral...all the churchy ritual shit was maddening and plain old strange to me...parading the family into the church like we were special...I can assure u I was not feeling fucking special that day...all the crappy music playing...the pastors generic blather...at some point my spirit left my body (thanks the the fact I was wearing sunglasses for the 1st time in my life) and I eventually just went outside and sat on the grass til we left. Agonizing...my side of the family doesn't really do funerals thank gawd...we had ppl over for tea when each of my grandparents passed...I know I certainly do not want one...

I have to redo my will...I came across it recently from 1998....was most interesting to reread letters I wrote to certain ppl....esp the one I wrote to my brother...telling him explicitly that while I know he *seemed* well adjusted I feared he was burying his shit and told him to be very careful and to just embrace it all and shred the mother fucking shit out of it all...look it in the eye and eat it...not to let it eat him.
How is that for foreshadowing.
His suicide 2 years later was my worse case scenario for him.

Wow HAPPY THURSDAY GUYS! Nothing like starting the day off with a morbid topic.

I watched Robert Redford's Lions for Lambs last night...I bought it forever ago...interesting...too bad Tom Cruise was in it...he is such a smarmy fuck I can't stand his after seeing Valkrie (sp) and being disgusted that he could bother with a German accent. Lame.

This week Donna & I walked like mofos....a zippy walk from Clover point to the end of the Ogden Point breakwater and then back....I think we are doing it again tonight....not sure...hopefully it'll be cooler than yesterday...

I am loving the walk to and from work....walking to work I just dig b/c its my most energetic time of day and I have a playlist on my player that all METAL FOR WALKING....I walk really fast if im listening to metal...I am sure I look like a giant TOOL too bc im mouthing along to the words as i walk probably making super gheyyyyyyyyyylord rockstar faces.
Ask me if I care...? ha!
The walk home is always warmer but less sloped until i get right b4 my house....then I am faced with the HILL OF DEATH...which I not can get up without being totally dead...when I first started walking up that fucker I had to stop halfway....now I just boot up and don't feel near death til the top....my goal is to be able to carry on a conversation while I walk up it...even at the top!

hotter than....

fuck.

cant it be winter yet?

im going to bed early...im super dead.

Aug 18 2009 Tuesday

Zak asked me what this tower was the other night standing on my patio.

I said it was the tower I used to track him.

I trust he knew I was kidding...

It is my back to work Monday today...Oh joy.

Ayla made me severely angry last night and I am still debating how to deal with her bullshit this morning...for right now im holding off to ensure I dont react like a complete spazz.
I cannot express how sick of her bullshit I am.

I have been practicing doodling squids to get ready for painting little Sidney a Squidlet painting....that thing on the top of a squids head kinda wrecks my chi....

My hormones are all effed up....loss of lard = release of estrogen = yer shits all fucked up = Jen's a bigger headcase than usual.

Yes that is possible.

My kitchen light is still flickering.

I am going to make my lunch now.

ok im over it

Brad Pitt on Bill Maher

I have always loved Brad Pitt...not b/c he's frighteningly gorgeous to me either...or that he sleeps with one of only 2 women I think I would make out with....he has always been so not Hollywood...deeper and now with a family and age it's really becoming apparent he is a man of true substance and conscience and I dig that shit. And he clearly possesses wit as per the video above re: the FUCK YOU comment ahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

FYI: if u have a hotmail account...I have been flagged as a spammer (haha) and no one I email at a hotmail address gets my emails, they all bounce back to me...I get yours but I cannot reply or send.
If you have an alternate email let me know (yahoo is fine too) otherwise no more Jen emails.

sunday hate

I cannot describe the level of hate I have for my uterus today.

The End

Aug 15 2009

my kitchen light is flickering.
i could have a seizure.
yet...i am not going to stand on a chair and change it tonight b/c i like to make ayla do that stuff.

today donna and i walked downtown for a movie...saw FUNNY PEOPLE...we both liked it...there was some substance in the comedy and i found it refreshing...i can see why ppl with short attention spans would say it was boring but i liked the deeper subject matter that was not typically a comedy movie theme.

i scored at the thrift store today...i found this kick ass funeral book that has some AWESOME jesus pics which i will use for something creative at a later date...but the book title is COME UNTO ME and naturally b/c im a perv this amused me greatly....but then i found a NUN!!!!!!!!!! had to get her!!!!!!

i have listened to the new matt good single 45 more times today....
i dunno what it is about his music that i love so much...i have come to the conclusion that aside from the lyrical content he provides me (yes ME, he writes all his music just for me, fuck, keep up ppl) there is something about his singing style...i dunno if its how he harmonizes or even what the right word would be for it but its something with how he sings....

my nuns name is sister josephine by the way.

Aug 15 2009 - should be snoring

The new Matthew Good single is here (Kelly M I think you will like this!)

Last Parade

I do love it....I love it when he picks a goodddddd 1st single...off Hospital Music, while I FUCKING loved that Born Losers was such a massive fuck u to his ex wife it my least favorite song on the album...waiting til next month when he streams the entire album will be agony but in the meantime I will listen to the single until i hate it haha

Woke up at 5 am this morning....jesus h...yesterday was good after work...walked home....wasn't home for too long and I walked to Donna's with the badminton gear...and we had a hoot playing...
for all u ppl who think badminton is lame let me tell you....playing aggressively is a good work out...we were both sweaty in no time...flashing our signature moves all over the place (hahaha oh what a sight)...you could tell when we were tired....b/c the skills degrades quite dramatically...
we will have to make that a habit, it was too fun...omg I laughed...Donna has this great little 1 footed hop move...hahahahaha

Afterward Donna, Dan & I went to eat sushi...Ayla was home early last night...wonders never cease...came home and said about 3 words to me....I was on the couch...found south park on some channel and dozed off freezing my nards off with the patio door wide open...wandered to bed around 1 - didnt even notice Ayla was up....just hit the pillow and was gonzo.........
so why am I up at 5 am? GOOD QUESTION. Will probably go back to nap later haha

Hitting a movie today...gunna wait til later to decide if I wanna weep my way through the Time Travellers Wife (Ayla said it was so sad and she cried so I know it will ruin me bc shes a robot) or stick to seeing something humorous like Funny People......Thing is Eric Bana is in TTW and well....it's Eric Bana....I have a slight crush on him....

Aug 13 2009

Sad news at work today...our boss, who I quite adore, her husband died suddenly while they were on holidays...high school sweethearts and only in their early 40's....what a complete mindfuck of epic proportions for her and their 2 sons... :o(

Needless to say work was blah....nothing like some perspective to kick you in the box.

Had an after work farewell gathering for Jackie....she is moving on to bigger and better things...
Nicki made her a pretty cool Unemployment Care Package complete with Aqua Velva, cigarette butts, empty pop cans, socks and a garbage bag raincoat, stolen work toilet paper and pencils etc...was quite funny...

Naturally I am socially retarded and couldn't get outta there fast enough but they were having a good time.

My shamrock plant loves work...im scared to bring it home.

so yah...

I am currently experiencing a disgusting menstrual episode...on the upside I am not pregnant which is ALWAYS good.

My visit (I say *my* because Ayla was in her room the whole time) with Mags, David & Squidlet last night was lovely...he sure is a sweet boy...

Date night is looking like Sunday...arranging anything with 2 grown up schedules is not as simple as one would think....which is odd b/c I send 99% of my not working time by myself HA HA HA (wow that's isn't pathetic at all)
Sushi, movie and hilarity shall ensue!

Every day I am at work I get sadder at the thought of not having that job...I really fucking love that job...as far as jobs go I mean...it certainly isn't like I have found my calling but it does fill my need to exhibit altruism, in a watered down form...and it is satisfying to see a pile of work done at the end of your day. Love that part...
I could live without a handful of assholes at work who like to stir up trouble and make the place a middle school nightmare but...what can u do...

Gotta start looking into some volunteering for the fall...and beyond.
Gotta find something just right...
Have been feeling like I am lacking in the life substance department...so as soon as Ayla's back in school & this job shit is sorted I am getting on that.
One thing I wished I had done when Ayla was smaller was be more active with volunteering time in the community...
What ever I end up finding now she is getting dragged a long....

Its 945 pm, do you know where your teenager is? Me neither. Apparently at the beach...gawd help me....must change the subject b4 I think about that too long.....

Fuck am I ever moody....

Oh Cassie you are lovely

Tuesday

i like it when a boy misses me...

i also like it that Mags and the baby are coming to see me tonight...

wee sidlet needs to snuggle his aunty jen real bad..i know it.

i also like it that i just called ayla to let her know to be home after work and she was civil and human to me.

wonders never cease.

 

i love the hunks of potato in canned puritan soup...i dunno what it is but i have a love affair going on with them....although i am disturbed by the level of sodium and the fact the irish stew variety is MUTTON (barf)....

i have a potato in my mouth right now...

its humping my tongue...

im not kidding.

 

my battery was almost dead in my mp3 plyr this morning bc im a dick and forgot to charge it after work and i gotta say it made me walk really fast bc i was scared it was gunna die b4 i got to work and walking without tunes sucks ass.

 

 

 

 

great line....

"when the bar stars melt & their golden hair turns to glass"

thank you Matthew Good....

couldn't figure out why my toe hurt so much yesterday....turns out i got a blister form my sunday walk right on the TIP of my 2nd toe....wtf is that? how weird.

fuck I am hardcore bitches.

ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaa

anyone know what that thing is??

Sunday Night

what a good weekend....

Saturday Donna & I did a mini road trip up island...stopped at the McMahon residence in Ladysmith and had a quick visit there...loved all of Cathleen's amazing handicapped ppl stories....

Then up to Nanoose to see Guy & Donna....great visit there...even though Donna and I spent the vast portion of the visit flailing like fucking retards over the wasps flying around. I always love to see Guy & Donna...always...wasps and all.

Then we went to visit the giant gnome on the highway....Donna is a good sport and even pretended to perform fellatio for the camera.... (SEE ALL PICS FROM THIS WEEKEND HERE)

Then we went to Nanaimo....hit the Jysk store and then went to see Aunty Pam and Uncle Jimmy...
they are always amusing haha Went for dinner as well before heading home...

This is the 3rd successful Jen & Donna Road Trip...we are on a roll! Lots of fun...Donna is one of my favorite ppl. :o)

Sunday was good as well...I went on a good long power walk to the Royal Jubilee Hospital...took some pics along the way...stopped for a peaceful rest at the Jewish Cemetery on the way home...I think I am gunna make a point to hang there on warm days...and then visited Erin and Amanda who live across the street from me...they are my favorite lesbian couple on earth! IT'S TRUE!

Tonight I sorted out my treasure suitcase....always a stroll down memory lane going through that thing...I chuckle at some of the stuff I have saved since I was a teenager...and then sometimes I come across things where I blow myself away b/c its so cool and I forgot all about it. ha!

Back to work in the morning...boss is gone all week on vacation and with all the BS going on at work I can only imagine it will be a total and utter shit show...but whatever...the BS stirrers at work and in general can go fuck their hats.

busy day

what a few days for birthdays and other important events!

1st off:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KORI for yesterday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAWN for today!!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY DEANNA AND MIKE for today!

Today Donna & I are taking a mini road trip up island...1st we will stop in Ladysmith and have a quick visit with Ryan McMahon, his fiance Cathleen and 2 kids...then onward to Nanaimo where dwells Aunty Pam and Uncle Jimmy....then Guy and Donna in Nanoose...don't forget the giant gnome!

Super Awesome Man is on a wee-tour this weekend...Ayla is back in town from camping on Salt Spring...sounds like she had a good time...not that she was eager to speak to me or anything when she got home...*eyeroll*

I am in love with hos the weather has turned all dreary and cold....like its October...what a friggin relief!!

I need an

post-coital tristesse

My name is Jennifer & and I am an emotional retard.
How are you all?

I have today off today making this the 4th day in a row....very nice but {ok im gunna say it} work provides me with a good distraction from myself and I have been making myself stay as busy as possible lately to ward off feelings of impending doom...unfortunately being at work isn't as helpful either b/c the mood there is hideous and makes it all worse somehow.
I went out to lunch w/ a group of ladies form work on Monday and couldn't even conjure up the social skills to speak really the whole time...they mostly talked about work which - for me - is a just a bleak topic I care not to partake in...left there feeling like my typical socially retarded self.

My hair is turning gray at a pace that is fascinating to watch happen.

I understand why ppl drink/drug themselves to stop feeling things...I truly understand it.

Last night at 11 pm, even though I was in a half coma on the couch I got up and took off for a 40 min power walk...it was awesome with no one around and it was dark and cool...I hauled my fat ass up that hill like I owned that bitch...will be keeping that in mind as a way to weasel more exercise into the mix...

Not sure what to do today....I have a few paintings on the go....just looking for my stash of googly eyes that I have put somewhere and now can't remember the location...story of my life.
I can't tell you how many times I have put something away for safe keeping only to completely FORGET where it is.

Sometimes I wish I could just cut my own head off....maybe a Greyhound bus ride is in order? I think there should be a poll, asking all ppl if they have this feeling of wanting to be separated form their thoughts and mind on a constant basis...? I know I am not unique...for the most part I am at one with all my neurosis' and emotional crash & burns b/c I know the patterns...the down always turns up but anything prolonged going on worries me b/c there is a point where it is harder to turn back my way...

Being genetically predisposed to depression is weird. I often wonder if my younger life wasn't such a cess pool of failure, but rather fabulous growing up in a happy home and being full and present in my goodness, if I would still struggle feeling how I feel....? There are depressed ppl out there from every walk of life, I know this, but I do always wonder if things would be different. Not that it changes anything.

The reason I know this is chemical and not "cry baby oh woe is me I cant afford to have an iPhone I want" is b/c I can separate myself and look at it from outside my core being. My logical self lets me see me for who I am...I can see everything I have going for me...I can see how fortunate I am...I know I am loved by my family and friends...I can see what I have to offer ppl and the universe...I possess unending empathy for other ppl...I see clearly my short comings in my personality/psyche, the void, the hole, the need....I see me as others see me and judge me and covet me...I get it...but that chemical override is something I cannot deny....I am a fabulous fucked up genius-spazz trapped within her own toilet bowl of sadness on a fun floaty device.

See where I am going with this? Me neither. I am just talking. Just brain blurting my way through this morning, fending off a cry, until I figure out what I am gunna do with my day.

I wish I bought more corn on the cob at the market yesterday...

ZINGGGGGGGGGGG

i am alive...
the heat has not killed me...
im black on track and have all my ducks in order...
*date night* saturday proved to be most interesting and fabulous...we shall see how it unfolds as friends...
and the show itself was fab...will imbed a video for you non-metallers to roll your eyes at.