Bangkok Mall Sushi

Trying to get used to my empty house...was thinking about it today...why I am so emotional about this and aside from raging PMS I think it is b/c this trip has no end date so it feels different...real. Real empty nest...permanent...not down the street...it is weird to not think about what she needs...what I should get her for groceries...what I can pick her up at the drug store - that is 20 years of conditioning to try and stifle.

It is terrible to come home knowing she is not here too...it is always dark...I did not see this coming...I have always enjoyed alone time, being solo...but this feels like less of a treat. I will be fine of course. I just need to get used to it and I am pretty adaptable for a neurotic being. There are personal positives of course but man oh man...I am missing her. I look fwd to not falling apart every time I unlock my fucking door...

I found a mini-liquor cabinet in A's room and I am gunna drink all the Kahlua...yeah I am THAT hardcore that I enjoy a brown cow just like my mom does..ha!

Was happy to hear from A. today...they got up and hit the mall in Bangkok for sushi...haha They fly out to Ko Samui tomorrow...At some point I will relax a bit and stop thinking about her every move...right? Right?

I must go pack for Powell River - leaving tomorrow...and make sure all my stuff is done b/c I am leaving from work with Sarah for a mini road trip.

Impending doom of abandonment and other imaginary evils...

On top of Machu Picchu, Peru - Spring 2013

Miss A. is being picked up at 1:30 tomorrow (Monday) afternoon. She will take the ferry to Vancouver...check into their hotel room...and try her hardest to stay awake all night so that she can sleep like a dead donkey on the 15+ hour flight to Thailand.

Her flight leaves Vancouver, Tues Jan. 28th at 11:30am PST...She will arrive at the Guangzhou Baiyun International Airport in China 13.5 hours later, arriving at 5:20pm local time. They have a 2 hour and 25 min. wait until they fly to Bangkok, Thailand, arriving at 9:30pm local time. Thailand is 15 hours ahead of PST. I have a clock on my phone that tells me my time and the time in Thailand. It is midnight right now and 3pm in Bangkok. Weird.

Apparently the airline (China Southern Airline) sucks so it should make for some interesting stories...and the airport in China with the 2+ hour lay-over is apparently not very good either...A. is horrified that in China there is no Facebook or Google. haha

When she lands in Bangkok, Thailand it will be 9:30pm her time and the next damn day or some shit and 6:30am here...that whole day thing effs me up so yay! for cellphone apps that do all that math for you.

Due to the political unrest there (CLICK HERE) they are only staying 1 night in Bangkok (near the airport, avoiding the city) then flying right out so that is a relief. Shit is getting pretty real over there.

If you want to track her flights on your cellphone (I use Flight Aware - a free app) here is the info:
AIRLINE: China Southern Airline.... Vancouver to China flight # 330 and China to Bangkok # 361

The good ol' days...

Part way through today I began chanting my new mantra...."she is not leaving me...she is just going on a trip". Saying it out loud over and over...hearing it said out loud makes it sink in better somehow. Connie and I have talked extensively about how current day rejections and abandonment have a tendency to link themselves to every previous experience you have had in life. An emotional link is there waiting for the fuel to feed that mindfuckery fire. If you are not on top of that in your head it can really chew a hole through your soul and spit you out like a rubbery piece of meat.

I am the queen of rational thoughts...truly I am. I just have never mastered the ability to have them override the emotional portion of my 'self'. I know A. is not leaving me, intending to never return, abandoning me...this is not about me at all. She is 20 years old in a few days...and she is doing exactly what I told her to do her whole life...to have adventure and learn while exploring the world. How could I have known she would only listen to ONE thing I ever said....I have told her thousands of things in her life...she focused on that one thing only hahaha

I liken this separation to amputation...for me of course, not her. She is eager to hit the road and be done with my anal retentive drivel...she needs to be on her own, out from under my wing...for me though it is impossible to feel anything other than a piece of me is being sawed off against my will. A heart amputation of sorts. Very poor scheduling as well...not only is there political unrest/state of emergency crap going on in Thailand...it is just days before my period - I am at the height of PMS psychosis...I think the impending doom of her leaving is almost worse than anything...I am often my own worst enemy in these scenarios...neurosis' running wild, making things harder than they need to be.

It is in times like these where I shake my fist at the sky and wished I believed in something to garner some comfort, even if it is a wild falsehood. Chubby baby Jesus will certainly be following you around Miss A...looking out for you, keeping you safe...of course he will...he cannot possibly have better things to do!

SAFE TRAVELS MY GIRL! Be smart, use your noodle, trust no one and go with your gut! xo

OMG

I AM PRETTY SURE I WILL BE OUT OF THIS SHIT SANDWICH RENTAL WITHIN 4 MONTHS!!!!!!! ...more to come

Pretend Birthday!

20 years old...are you kidding me!

Today is Miss A's pretend birthday since she will be in Thailand Feb 1st...I am making ham, scalloped potatoes, vegs and perogies....and there is an ice cream cake in the freezer with a really pretty unicorn on it which will make my sister quite jealous. A mystery dinner guest as well...oooo.

I bought party noise makers and instead of hats got kooky sunglasses so we can all look weird but are more likely to sit nice for a photo lol

Should be interesting photos...maybe.

Where have you been all my life Alex Ebert?

So I am watching the Golden Globes last week and this fella wins for best score...Oh my who is the jesus-y looking devil? He is funny and articulate while P-Diddy or whatever his damn name is kinda rapes his moment on stage...

Upon some internet sleuthing I read he is Alex Ebert...singer for Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros..."sweet jesus I hope they don't suck" is my 1st thought.
Ooooh 3 albums...1 song "Home" seems familiar...so for the last few days all I have listened to is the 1st album "UP FROM BELOW" 2009.
It is fast becoming one of my top 10 favorites...
It took me a few listens to see through the outer hippy hipster exterior...
Love this band and the sound from 2009...I tend to love 1st albums and shit dwindles for me after that. Time will tell...I am gunna savor this album for a while yet before I move on to 2012's "Here"...

Home Day

Home from work today...been plagued by this weird nagging gastro-weirdness for nearly a week...not enough to lay you out on the floor but just enough to make you unsure if you should leave the house (hahaha TMI I know)...

Went to visit Kori last night...he needed some snacks and who I am to deny someone snacks when that is their lifeline to sanity...some plain Lays potato chips, a few cans of pepsi and ginger ale and some bulk barn candy. It is the little things in life sometimes that get you through to the next day.
He is really making progress physically, he showed me the hall way he walks for physio...its about 10ish feet...he does it 3x...that's pretty amazing honestly for a guy who can hardly feel his left leg/side at all. He did his own laundry yesterday too...try folding socks with 1 hand...it is a great accomplishment. There is a board that all the patients in rehab have to refer to make sure they get to their appointments the following day...if they misread the board and miss an appointment (physio, perceptual therapy, occupational therapy, etc) that's it...no one goes looking for them and the person misses out on that time slot of therapy...seems a bit harsh to me. There you are with a significant brain injury and you are expected to comprehend these schedule board, write it down and show up for the sessions. Kori can hardly make sense of that board at the moment...I am sure making sense of the board is excellent practice in making those important brain connections but missing out on sessions if you get a time wrong seems like a serious back pedal...last night he had already written it down and Mary asked that I go double check it...he had some right but some wrong and he would have missed 2-3 sessions...Mary calls to remind him to go to sessions so he wont miss any in case he gaps out...with only 8 weeks to garner all the benefits of that therapy it seems like they should really ensure none are missed. I would be eager to hear the reasoning behind that policy...pushing someone twds independence is one thing but jfc...give a guy a break.

With all that said I am not a Dr and know nothing about this and am just projecting a likely uninformed opinion.

I would love to eat potato salad right now.

Ughhh

I do not feel well. It's been a weekend of blah feeling not quite well enough to go do something but not sick enough to wave the sick flag. I am hoping I should take this as a sign my body is fighting off whatever disgusting cooties I probably picked up on the bus.

The Golden Globes were interesting...I was cringing at the layout of the tables...seeing skinny ppl struggling to move their way through the maze of tables and chairs to get on stage as a big fail in my opinion...do these organizers not know better by now? People felt rushed to get on stage so they were running in heels and dresses ffs b/c it took so long to reach the stage. And the Woody Allen tribute. Blechh. I am not a fan of Woody Allen movies or Woody Allen's weirdness. Taking nudie pictures of your wife's adopted daughter that you were a step father to for 12 years is gross. It is even grosser when you marry her, making your biological son your brother in law. Gross. All of these bizarre boundary issues make it very believable that he also allegedly molested a younger adopted daughter...so yeah. Gross. Diane Keaton's acceptance speech was something else...I was distracted by her amazing gray hair....I FUCKING LOVED HER HAIR...but that speech....save it sister...not interested. Her hair reminds me of my Aunty Pam's....all perfectly gray and shimmery, thick and long....if you ever go shorter Aunty Pam - this is your haircut!!

I spent an hour looking through apartment ads yesterday. That is how I sooth myself sometimes, looking at new apartments and imagining how all my shit would fit into one and how it would be awesome to have laundry in my apartment again....and no assholes above me. Sigh.

Heading to Powell River the weekend of Feb 1st. Miss A will be gone for her b'day (hmmmf) so I thought since my friend Sarah was heading up there I would go along and spend the day with Riley on his 1st birthday that she shares with Miss A. I will only be there a day and a half so he probably wont have enough time to warm up to me but that is ok...I am sure Mags will have a little party planned and it will give me a nice visit with the whole family :)

Political unrest in Thailand....seriously...stop it already. Do not shoot my kid!

I want to order pizza extremely bad right now. I would except with my half sick-belly that would be a terrible idea. Terrible....terribly tasty nasty........mmmmm.
It is already 740 pm ffs. Ok I just ordered a pizza. Idiot. Online ordering is the shit. For real. Maggie would be in her glory to never have to call and talk to order pizza...

A series...

I am going to do a series of posts that reflect the all the positive attributes of certain ppl I give a shit about...you know...dedicate a post to one person and just say why I think they are great. I thought that would be really positive and you know I am trying to be more positive this year. I am positive being positive will be positive although positively difficult at least 1 week of the month.

There will be no rhyme or reason to who I write about...it will be strictly on a whim and completely spontaneous...gotta be in the zone for such writing.

Today was shitty headache day though I did make a tasty meal for me and the kidlet...Mary should be here soon after a longgggg day at the hospital with Kori...I took him dinner the other night and also to check out his new digs. He is on the rehab floor now and wow - what a change in vibe. The 6th floor neuroscience nurses were really, really friendly and nice, warm even...rehab nurses - not so much. Quite cold actually, felt the chill the moment I walked in there. It was later verified after seeming some interactions. Different vibe on the ward as well - I mean you have 20 ppl there who are brain damaged in some way, most have mobility issues too so it is a sad sight indeed, many sad stories. Car accidents, a teen hit by a drunk driver, strokes, other random head injuries...It was very apparent to me after Kori introduced a few that he fared EXTREMELY well as far as brain damage goes...while he is not going to be without long lasting effects he maintained his speech, personality etc and that is huge. Physically, he has a ways to go but he is making great progress, took a few steps unassisted even...this is so good to hear...I love it.

Going to have a mini birthday for A. before she leaves this month since she will be gone for her birthday. 20 years old...she exclaimed proudly last night that she was never going to be a stupid teen mom hahahha I had to laugh - she has maintained all along that she was NEVER going to be a teen mom ever...so she feels like a total victor! I sure will miss her sense of humor.

I can see why she wants to go to Thailand.

She has way too much time on her hands right now...she is over thinking the trip...worried about the Bangkok election protests and violence that is happening already. The election is Feb 2...poor planning on their part for not looking into that ahead of time...lesson learned. They will likely leave Bangkok soon after arriving and visit it later once things are a bit more settled post-election. We talked with Joel last night at Tracey's - he is from Thailand, he had a lot of good advice and info to share about places to see and avoid, etc. So nice to spend time with Tracey, Adrienne, Joel and Ashley...Seeing Ashley all grown up (she used to babysit A. - so cute) and watching the pleasant dynamic between the 4 of them...it is really nice. I look fwd to Ash moving back to Victoria once her and Joel decide to have babies etc.

Have I mentioned lately....

Have I mentioned lately all the things I am enjoying about getting older? (You decide which are sarcastic and which are not): 

1. Random unexplained aches and pains that feel like you are on the verge of death one day and gone the next

2. Going bald and being humbled to the point of extinction hopeful apathy

3. Slower metabolism/weight gain

4. Worse PMS (and you never thought that was possible!)

5. Worse periods

6. Migraines

7. Social anxiety

 
8. Clarity in realizing how many more years left you have to deal with the above

9. Clarity in realizing the importance of dealing with your shit to ensure you do live long enough to know your grand kids

10. Clarity in realizing every misstep you have taken in life, hindsight is awesome

11. Clarity in realizing how far you haven't really come at all

12. Clarity in realizing how far you have actually come

13. Knowing at 40-something you are still caught up in 20+ yr old patterns of behavior that are self defeating and demoralizing

14. A healthy 'knowing' about what is actually important - that being people and relationships you nurture, not stuff or old matter-less bullshit from times gone by

15. Looking at a hipster and thinking "omg they are so lame and that is exactly how grown ups felt about me looking like a headbanger in the 80's"

16. Knowing you are lame and not caring

17. Looking back and seeing that you actually fared A-OK and did a decent job with the little person you were in charge of raising and are extremely proud of yourself and the said little person

18. Wrinkles and lines accentuating your grumpy facial expressions

19. Getting labelled a "pre-diabetic"

20. Not caring about it being a Friday night and you are doing laundry, watching TV

21. A new appreciation for all things old and cheesy

22. Being fantastically selective about who you want in your life and ridding yourself of the ones you don't without feeling really bad about it

23. Knowing you still can't trust anyone but some ppl are less likely to destroy you than others

24. Getting blindsided by people you completely pegged wrong for almost 2 decades and being in awe of the familiar feeling - like that time when you were 13 and your pal Val called you up saying Shelley's boyfriend Perry kissed her but telling you not to tell Shelley while Shelley was on the other extension listening to see what you said and seeing if you would call Shelley and tell her anyway as a test of loyalty. (PS Fuck you Val and Shelley, you both suck)

25. Poor circulation, the impending doom of what is to come in that department

26. Achilles Tendon Bullshit, evil fucking thing

27. The weird shift in your predisposition to foul language...finally realizing sometimes you do not have to say FUCK to make a clear point

28. Knowing most of the sarcastic entries  are completely within my physical power to change but feeling like a mentally helpless asshole in carrying it out

29. Spending 20 years feeling like you needed to stay alive and available to your child who (as she should) ditches you for life and adventure and then realizing you still feel the need to be alive and available b/c you actually need her as much as she ever needed you

30. Leg veins

31. Being able to think more critically without everything being black or white...so.much.gray....

32. Heightened empathy

33. Middle aged acne - yeah I said it

34. An appreciation for art

35. Paying 60 bucks a month for 4 months and not going to the gym once

36. The ability to look at friendships and relationships and see the ebb and flow, understanding that acceptance really is the key to most things

37. Self growth and discovery of self take on a whole new meaning when the clock ticking gets louder and louder

38. Sadness knowing my memory and brain function is slipping, for real, no Alzheimer's jokes etc...seriously slipped already so by 60 I should be full blown retarded

39.  Still taking immense joy in things like music, live music, words, books, photos, art, conversation, "clicking with another human", friendship, learning, movies, justice and writing a letter

40. Realizing you have no upper lip

41. Watching society change right before your eyes

42. Still being a nail biter ffs

43. Realizing the things you thought were the be all end all of happiness are complete fallacies so you really aren't that far off the mark

Good read...heartbreaking story...

CLICK HERE TO READ

Chris figures this should be shared so share I shall. It really is an amazing story that I came across via the new movie Philomena.

If you love to hate the Catholic church this movie and story is for you...deplorable turds.

Please...

Oh great being that may rule the universe with such misunderstood motives...please do not let there be a very loud & verbal handicapped man behind me at tonight's Blue Rodeo concert. Not saying that last years experience was not enjoyable but...it is ALL I recall from the damn concert and  I would prefer to remember the show a bit more this year. I am easily distracted - I have a form of ADD mixed with a bit of a short term memory disorder so it makes for terrible recall at the best of times. That is what Kim & I are doing tonight...

Miss A. is home...which makes the house an instant whirlwind of chaos and noise...chaos and noise that I am determined to let flow so that I can enjoy it for the next 23 days...because after that the silence around here is going to be heartbreakingly overt and impossible to ignore. Mary is going back to Nanaimo for a few days...she is about ready to crack. It has been an obscene amount of pressure on her dealing with life after Kori's stroke. She is torn and feeling like she just needs to be with Cedar right now and sadly that means leaving Kori on his own. I will be visiting him after work this week to make sure he is stocked up on Bulk Barn candy (ha!)...I am really hoping his family will pick up the slack and visit more in Mary's absence. Kori is doing well...skull bone is back on and he is making progress, moving his arm and leg now...such a long road ahead. Hoping the fact he is hating being in the hospital is excellent motivation in the physio and rehab dept. Will certainly be much better once he is moved back to Nanaimo...

Not sure if I have kidney cancer (drama queen) or have pulled a muscle around where I think kidney pain exists...but...I hope it is gone soon b/c the hypochondriac in me is alive and well with unexplained twinges and such. I cannot believe I go back to work the day after tomorrow. So.fucking.disappointing.life.can.be. No disrespect to my work peeps of course - they are awesome but having to get dressed...and be in public every day....meh. I have given these pajama pants of mine a good work out this past 2 weeks let me tell you...I have lived in them and enjoy them so much that if I could get away with it I would wear them to work. I am pretty sure I would be productive too since I do not have a comfy couch in my cubical. But....it is the way of the world unless you are a retired millionaire...work you must.

Speaking of asshole millionaires...I saw The Wolf of Wall Street last week with Tracey. Omfg. What a great movie...but what a disgusting human being...the whole lot of them. As entertaining as the movie itself is (I spent almost 3 hours completely riveted) you walk away feeling dirty having been witness to such greed and dysfunction. Truly disturbing being that it is a true story and is for the most part it all happened. Jordan Belfort is/was a greedy turd. I do not care that he served his measly time for being an investment crook/scammer...he was ordered to repay $110 million to his victims via 50% of his income until it is paid off and he hasn't lived up to that so fuck him - no second chances for ppl who do not tow the line. And why is there no accountability here? If he was a regular person who did not pay a fine or live up to a court ruling he would be in jail again. Ridiculous. Kudos to Leonard DiCaprio for playing such a complete dirtbag with such finesse.