When my grandad died my granny sold the house (trailer - whatever)...I spent many summers and eventually years living in that trailer on Klahanie Drive...a short walk across the street to the ocean...a street littered with Jehovah's Witnesses...a short walk to Scuttle Bay where me and the JW kids would get high on RUSH (heart medication - great!) and I would do my best to corrupt those religious boys with make outs and blasphemous conversation. It was an end of an era to see that house go...but eventually I let it go...when I walk past it now it looks different enough that my heart doesn't sting...usually.
Now the house that took over from my grandparents place just down the road where Pam and Jim lived is headed in the same direction. They purchased a gutted trailer on a fabulous lot for a few bucks and rebuilt it into the home it was for all of us for a long time. It became home base for Ayla and I...as I am sure it is for Pam's girls. With it being up for sale now it is hard to not feel torn - even understanding the reasons P and J no longer feel the need to hang on to it and the reasons Kelly is parting with it. It is another in a long series of farewells that is making me tear up as I type this. To most it is likely a piece of junk happily situated on native leased land with a view that is nothing less than spectacular...to some of us though it is home. Needless to say some are pretty emotional about it but as Pam told me last night...it will fade and we will make somewhere else our home base. HERE IT IS I hope someone I fucking detest doesn't buy it. That would lick.
In other news...Donna is in Jamaica as I type. It was my duty to purchase Chris Cornell tickets today...FML I hate buying tickets...I get so fucking stressed out...the website doesn't even say WHAT TIME they go on sale so I assumed 930 am when they opened...at 930 the website is dead...wont even open....30 mins later now still won't load up. so I started calling frantically to the box office immediately...and called and called...took me 20 mins to get through and I knew anything GOOD was gone....but I had to get tickets or as Donna warned "our friendship hung in the balance" hahahahha Gee no pressure lady! Ended up getting Upper Balcony Row P Center tickets....crappy but in such a small theatre it certainly not terrible...
ADVICE: ROYAL THEATRE WEBMASTERS - give your website some fucking balls already - if yer gunna have acts like Chris Cornell increase bandwidth or something b/c I was unable to get on the fucking site for pre-sale or general sale. Jerks.
Thank gawd Matthew Good isn't popular b/c I would have stroked out trying to get tickets if that's how shit went down when he plays here.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
BAH!
These effed up dreams about being late 4 work can stop anytime...ive never been late for work...clearly I am a complete psycho anal retentive having such fucked up dreams about being late....earlier in the week it was me waking up and all the clocks were different so I asked G why and he said the bedside clock was the time in Japan and I was like WTF?!!!! and he said "well you like sushi don't you?" like it was totally logical.
Today I woke up and it was 11 am!!!!!! and I am shitting my pants trying to get ready but I am having issues b/c I have gone all fucked up Black Swan style having hallucinations and realizing I am really ill and need to call my Dr right away b/c what if I have late onset schizophrenia? I also in this dream told Ayla to move out. hah hahaha hahaha she has NO idea how appealing that sounds to me in real life - esp after the TEXT TO LAND LINE phone calls I got last night at 1 am....
Today I woke up and it was 11 am!!!!!! and I am shitting my pants trying to get ready but I am having issues b/c I have gone all fucked up Black Swan style having hallucinations and realizing I am really ill and need to call my Dr right away b/c what if I have late onset schizophrenia? I also in this dream told Ayla to move out. hah hahaha hahaha she has NO idea how appealing that sounds to me in real life - esp after the TEXT TO LAND LINE phone calls I got last night at 1 am....
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
stick legged fast walkers
Since Donna's recent discovery of RUNNERS WAX (you know...apparently it sucks to wear skirts if you have thigh rub b/c the chafe is terrible...) and her life is changing at this very moment with this new revelation I am currently aware of women with no thigh rub. This morning I walked to work behind a gal who - if I ducked right down - I coulda read street signs from between her thighs they were not only NON-RUBBING there was room for her to carry a bag o' groceries in there! She was not bow legged by any means just.....toothpick legged. What must that be like...to walk with no thigh friction? That's why they lap the shit outta me...I struggle against the enemy which is my own thigh rub whilst walking. Do you know what it is like to find a PERFECT pair of pants and in 3 mths the thigh/crotch disintegrates b/c you wore them often and the walking friction renders them DEAD. They still look like new effing jeans everywhere else....but they are crotchless. Ho Hum...perils of being a fatty.
My new shoes came...(thank you Kimmy and your awesome dealio through work!) My KEENs are awesome... I love them but my right foot is significantly larger than my left and they are a bit tight...the left foot will work itself no problem but the right foot...I have had them on at work (trying to stretch em out to avoid having to send em back for a gargantuan size 10) for 15 mins and my right foot is already asleep. Fuck. I fear the BUNION!
Highly annoyed currently. The temptation to call off all birthday festivities is soooo overwhelming I cannot even tell you. My kid has turned into a massive fucking liar and it is really annoying that she waited this long to go there...
Monday, January 24, 2011
uncivilized
That's right...we are all just uncivilized monkeys...
I have thoroughly enjoyed my weekend that consisted of watching the rest of Californication, walking and and a little shopping...last night Mr Milligan joined me on my beloved 5K trek...I blathered on the whole time. It became clear to me early in the walk he was not much for chatting whilst walking...I explained that the reason one walks with someone is for the chat factor which makes the walk enjoyable and it goes by less painfully...putting him on the spot didn't help...so I warned him this meant "I" would talk the whole way b/c honestly if theres no talking I want my gawd damn MP3 player rather than the near-silence of listening to my heavy breathing. So I talked...and talked. he know knows the grand scope of the life of my Granny, all her children and my Grandad. Whether he wanted to know or not. Ha! Was a good walk...I die a little less each time I come up that 3 block bastardly hill near the end of the walk...this is good.
Tomorrow I walk it with Donna...it'll be our last walk until shes back from JAMAICA. That's right - globetrotting Donna is off the Jamaica...DONNA PLZ DONT GET ROBBED AND RAPED BY LOCAL DIRTBAGS! OR SHOT BY A STRAY BULLET! Oh wait that's Mexico...rightttttt....
Ayla's b'day is just a week away now...ooo ooo ooooo she is gunna LOVE her pressie!!!! (SHHH don't say anything - she peeps on here sometimes!) I believe we are gunna go eat some sushi for her big day and then come home for ice cream cake...I am contemplating making her an ice cream cake...got a great recipe from Doris at work...it looks divine...and I think it'll be fun to make...and even if it looks like crap it cannot taste anything but awesome so wtf! I will give it a go this weekend. I have a 4 day w/e coming up...I am stoked!
I am usually a decent decision maker....I don't fuck around - I just decide what I am doing and do it...I am finding in my old middle aged-ness that decisions are becoming much more complicated...not so cut and dry...so many variables...it makes me feel like a gawd damn waffling moron...I hate wafflers...I hate hesitaters! I hate timidity as well...COMMIT TO SOMETHING AND FUCKING DEAL WITH IT. I am becoming the person who is eating her own words...I contemplate the shit out of decisions in the last few years...everything seems so friggin complicated...so many things to consider...most of it is Ayla...I realized in 1 years time...Ayla will still be at home b/c school won't be done but I will be losing about 400.00 month (child support and child tax credit)...this is going to be a massive blow. This leads me to thinking of all sorts of options...possible scenarios...etc. The thought of a 2nd job is very unappealing to me but to afford grad and help with grad trip etc...I dunno wtf I am going to do really....start frigging saving now I guess...which means I am spending another year not doing the things I may like to do...which is kind of par 4 the course at this point but I guess I am getting impatient to take a trip to Vegas...or Cuba...or move into a cute place.
Looking fwd to having a life of sorts one day...in the mean time I shall try to shrink myself into a smaller human so I will fit into airplane seats easily.
I have thoroughly enjoyed my weekend that consisted of watching the rest of Californication, walking and and a little shopping...last night Mr Milligan joined me on my beloved 5K trek...I blathered on the whole time. It became clear to me early in the walk he was not much for chatting whilst walking...I explained that the reason one walks with someone is for the chat factor which makes the walk enjoyable and it goes by less painfully...putting him on the spot didn't help...so I warned him this meant "I" would talk the whole way b/c honestly if theres no talking I want my gawd damn MP3 player rather than the near-silence of listening to my heavy breathing. So I talked...and talked. he know knows the grand scope of the life of my Granny, all her children and my Grandad. Whether he wanted to know or not. Ha! Was a good walk...I die a little less each time I come up that 3 block bastardly hill near the end of the walk...this is good.
Tomorrow I walk it with Donna...it'll be our last walk until shes back from JAMAICA. That's right - globetrotting Donna is off the Jamaica...DONNA PLZ DONT GET ROBBED AND RAPED BY LOCAL DIRTBAGS! OR SHOT BY A STRAY BULLET! Oh wait that's Mexico...rightttttt....
Ayla's b'day is just a week away now...ooo ooo ooooo she is gunna LOVE her pressie!!!! (SHHH don't say anything - she peeps on here sometimes!) I believe we are gunna go eat some sushi for her big day and then come home for ice cream cake...I am contemplating making her an ice cream cake...got a great recipe from Doris at work...it looks divine...and I think it'll be fun to make...and even if it looks like crap it cannot taste anything but awesome so wtf! I will give it a go this weekend. I have a 4 day w/e coming up...I am stoked!
I am usually a decent decision maker....I don't fuck around - I just decide what I am doing and do it...I am finding in my old middle aged-ness that decisions are becoming much more complicated...not so cut and dry...so many variables...it makes me feel like a gawd damn waffling moron...I hate wafflers...I hate hesitaters! I hate timidity as well...COMMIT TO SOMETHING AND FUCKING DEAL WITH IT. I am becoming the person who is eating her own words...I contemplate the shit out of decisions in the last few years...everything seems so friggin complicated...so many things to consider...most of it is Ayla...I realized in 1 years time...Ayla will still be at home b/c school won't be done but I will be losing about 400.00 month (child support and child tax credit)...this is going to be a massive blow. This leads me to thinking of all sorts of options...possible scenarios...etc. The thought of a 2nd job is very unappealing to me but to afford grad and help with grad trip etc...I dunno wtf I am going to do really....start frigging saving now I guess...which means I am spending another year not doing the things I may like to do...which is kind of par 4 the course at this point but I guess I am getting impatient to take a trip to Vegas...or Cuba...or move into a cute place.
Looking fwd to having a life of sorts one day...in the mean time I shall try to shrink myself into a smaller human so I will fit into airplane seats easily.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Jen I'll bring them to their knees....
That's from a MG song....no coincidence he litters my name through a few of his songs ::ignoring the fact his ex-wife's name was jen:: moving on to life and all it's fun actualities....
I am fucking LOVING the Californication series...love love love. I love the whacked out characters that are so true to life I squeeeeeel! David Duchovny - I have always liked him a lot and now I am mad fucking in love with his crass self as Hank Moody. He speaks my mind. Spent my day home sickish watching all of season 1...on to season 2 now. You gotta love a show where an episodes revolves around the main character in shit with his GF b/c he mistakenly went down on a chick at a party thinking it was her.
Tonight is Donna & Dugan Walk Night...I admit i like coming down off a hard walk like that and even though I am crippled a little the warm glow buzz is nice...my face stays red all night almost...a rosey glow...even after I have cooled off and drank some water and rested...my last walk it was a hurricane outside...came home SOAKED through but I will say the elements being what they were (serious wind, downpour of rain and cold out) are a fabulous distraction from the heart attack I feel I will have from walking up hill at a steady fast pace...I even wore a hat b/c the rain was so ridiculous and the hat provided me with some distraction as well....I had to take it off every so often to avoid my head from melting. I have a large head and it gets quite warm just standing still never mind hauling my lard ass 5K.
I have agreed to walk with Tracey, Lani and Adrienne in the TC 10K Walk in April or May or whenever it is...well I call it a walk, I am sure it is a run for most but whatever. I am sure I will convince Donna to abandon her crew and walk with us too.
No plans this weekend...tucking $ away is easier when you don't dine out (I cannot say EAT OUT anymore without laughing), or buy junk food or go anywhere...or have any sort of life at all really. Planning a Jen & Donna Adventure to Botanical Beach next month I think...I lurve that beach and all its funkiness. I will make a point to not be swept to my death by a rogue wave. May even get a room overnight...
I am fucking LOVING the Californication series...love love love. I love the whacked out characters that are so true to life I squeeeeeel! David Duchovny - I have always liked him a lot and now I am mad fucking in love with his crass self as Hank Moody. He speaks my mind. Spent my day home sickish watching all of season 1...on to season 2 now. You gotta love a show where an episodes revolves around the main character in shit with his GF b/c he mistakenly went down on a chick at a party thinking it was her.
Tonight is Donna & Dugan Walk Night...I admit i like coming down off a hard walk like that and even though I am crippled a little the warm glow buzz is nice...my face stays red all night almost...a rosey glow...even after I have cooled off and drank some water and rested...my last walk it was a hurricane outside...came home SOAKED through but I will say the elements being what they were (serious wind, downpour of rain and cold out) are a fabulous distraction from the heart attack I feel I will have from walking up hill at a steady fast pace...I even wore a hat b/c the rain was so ridiculous and the hat provided me with some distraction as well....I had to take it off every so often to avoid my head from melting. I have a large head and it gets quite warm just standing still never mind hauling my lard ass 5K.
I have agreed to walk with Tracey, Lani and Adrienne in the TC 10K Walk in April or May or whenever it is...well I call it a walk, I am sure it is a run for most but whatever. I am sure I will convince Donna to abandon her crew and walk with us too.
No plans this weekend...tucking $ away is easier when you don't dine out (I cannot say EAT OUT anymore without laughing), or buy junk food or go anywhere...or have any sort of life at all really. Planning a Jen & Donna Adventure to Botanical Beach next month I think...I lurve that beach and all its funkiness. I will make a point to not be swept to my death by a rogue wave. May even get a room overnight...
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
JellySquid Day
 |
| Beloved JellySquid |
I have 3 days off and not 1 plan which pleases me greatly. Last night went walking with Donna...I am absolutely astounded at my stupidity in the health dept. I was on a really good roll a year ago and the last year I let it all slide back to shit. Essentially I am starting over...The 50ish lbs I lost I am fairly certain I have gained all back so this is it...I am on the go and actually committed to making permanent diet changes...I am weaning myself off fruit yogurt and making myself eat plain Balkan yogurt...(thanks to D & GM) It is a bit of a challenge...I LOVE sugar and yogurt is like ice cream when u are avoiding sweets...sweets like ice cream, chocolate, pie, cake etc It is certainly a healthier choice but I don't want it to become my crutch and I can tell my palate is freaking out b/c plain yogurt tastes like splooge to me (how many ppl gagged reading that?)...having to re-loose weight I already lost is really ghey...and I am bitter about it to say the least. I have decided to get off the bus earlier so I can route my walk home UP the evil Cook Street hill every day...that hill - while my nemesis - was a key factor to getting my cardio abilities up so I am not a gasping asshole going up stairs or inclines...I gauge how I am doing by how my body conquers that hill...the more grace I can conquer it with with time proves to me my body is actually responding to the exercise...something about turning 40...I am not sure what but it is like in your head u get that u are middle aged and the time for fucking around and being careless is done.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I am....
SUPER STOKED!!! But I can't say WHY!!!!!! bbbghghghhgrrbrhghghghggg <-- thats me muffling giggles
you will never...
be able to hear Marth Stewart's voice again and not giggle...
CLICK
I saw this years ago and it still amuses me!
CLICK
I saw this years ago and it still amuses me!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Kate + Taco Salad = Mexican Awesomeness
Kate is coming for lunch today (Mom: Kate = Kathy Siebel!) and bringing taco salad...woohoo! We shall dine in the glorious lunch room and chat for a while...
Sister Kimmy has made me a shoe offer I cannot refuse so I am gunna go look at some Keens tomorrow after work...hopefully they have wide ass shoe options so I can be accommodated! My last attempt was a failure. The store was full of young sales girls and I found them all to be rather useless...so I left. See how the downtown location does....
Graeme is FINALLY SICK! I have been sick at least 5 times and he never gets it...now he is actually ill although I suspect he will recover fast b/c he is a dink that way and shrug it off no sweat. I really DO NOT want his germs at all...NO SICKY 4 ME! Him and his Chinese cough syrup can keep it all to themselves...I like the real drugs when I am sick - the shit that makes u tired and sleepy and numbs you a bit...I will pretty much do anything to avoid a chest cold...
I think I am gunna go home tonight and make a big cabbage/veggie/zucchini steamed veggie batch of yum and eat that for a few days...I think I will go visit Lisa too...stroll about a little...
Sister Kimmy has made me a shoe offer I cannot refuse so I am gunna go look at some Keens tomorrow after work...hopefully they have wide ass shoe options so I can be accommodated! My last attempt was a failure. The store was full of young sales girls and I found them all to be rather useless...so I left. See how the downtown location does....
 |
| NO THIGH RUB HERE! |
Walked last night in the mini-blizzard with Donna and the dog...was cold and wet and windy as shit but I am always so effing happy to be done a walk it is always worth it...even the cheek wind burn today is okay...endorphins are cool. Yes us fattys experience endorphin action from just walking....try popping on a 150 lb back pack and go for a stroll - WITH HILLS - and see how different walking is. Do not even get me started on the thigh rub/resistance factor!
I think I am gunna go home tonight and make a big cabbage/veggie/zucchini steamed veggie batch of yum and eat that for a few days...I think I will go visit Lisa too...stroll about a little...
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I am not even sensitive right now....
Work is quiet....aka fucking boring...need more work...I am burning through Doris's cross referencing like crazy and will so have shit all to do if some work doesn't roll in.
Pillars of the Earth is on tonight...we are watching that at home...its ok so far...very Canadian...not sucky loser Canadian as in The Littlest Hobo or anything but Canadian all the same. I really like some Canadian shows...NORTH OF 60 is still one of my favorite shows of all time...(no not NORTHERN EXPOSURE ffs!) 1st I will eat dinner...then go walking with Hot Donna for an hour and get back in enough time to get settled and die for the tv show to come on.
I nearly gagged and ralphed eating my salad today- fuck I hate salads some times...and then sometimes I love them - ugh...maybe I will just give up for a while and eat celery sticks...I need some sort of salad epiphany....if u have favorite salads that won't make me barf plz comment with the recipe or ideas!
I started a little bit of painting last night...felt good despite the cramped nature of my location and being totally unprepared....
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| Mumford & Sons - cute! |
That Mumford & Sons song below made me friggin misty walking to work today...I have had the album for a while but hadn't got to that song on my MP3 player so it was new to me....I love love love that song and the lyrics...that's 2 songs in the last 6 mths that made me weepy...the other one was the Puscifer Humbling River song below...it's like I am 13 again HAAAAAA!!!!!
Work is quiet....aka fucking boring...need more work...I am burning through Doris's cross referencing like crazy and will so have shit all to do if some work doesn't roll in.
Pillars of the Earth is on tonight...we are watching that at home...its ok so far...very Canadian...not sucky loser Canadian as in The Littlest Hobo or anything but Canadian all the same. I really like some Canadian shows...NORTH OF 60 is still one of my favorite shows of all time...(no not NORTHERN EXPOSURE ffs!) 1st I will eat dinner...then go walking with Hot Donna for an hour and get back in enough time to get settled and die for the tv show to come on.
I nearly gagged and ralphed eating my salad today- fuck I hate salads some times...and then sometimes I love them - ugh...maybe I will just give up for a while and eat celery sticks...I need some sort of salad epiphany....if u have favorite salads that won't make me barf plz comment with the recipe or ideas!
I started a little bit of painting last night...felt good despite the cramped nature of my location and being totally unprepared....
waterworks!
LOVE THIS SONG!!!
After The Storm by Mumford & Sons
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
*
THIS SONG TOO!
The Humbling River by Puscifer
Nature, nurture, heaven and home
Sum of all and by them driven
To conquer every mountain shown
But have never crossed the river
Braved the forest braved the stone
Braved the icy winds and fire
Braved and beat them on my own
Yet I'm helpless by the river
Angel, angel what have I done?
I've faced the quakes the wind, the fire
I've conquered country, crown, and throne
Why can't I cross this river?
Pay no mind to the battles you've won
It'll take a lot more than rage and muscle
Open your heart and hands my son
Or you'll never make it over the river
It'll take a lot more that words and guns
A whole lot more than riches and muscle
The hands of the many must join as one
And together we'll cross the river
After The Storm by Mumford & Sons
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
*
THIS SONG TOO!
The Humbling River by Puscifer
Nature, nurture, heaven and home
Sum of all and by them driven
To conquer every mountain shown
But have never crossed the river
Braved the forest braved the stone
Braved the icy winds and fire
Braved and beat them on my own
Yet I'm helpless by the river
Angel, angel what have I done?
I've faced the quakes the wind, the fire
I've conquered country, crown, and throne
Why can't I cross this river?
Pay no mind to the battles you've won
It'll take a lot more than rage and muscle
Open your heart and hands my son
Or you'll never make it over the river
It'll take a lot more that words and guns
A whole lot more than riches and muscle
The hands of the many must join as one
And together we'll cross the river
Monday, January 10, 2011
fade out
I was thinking today on the bus ride to work....that my child got the best of me...she made me recoil at my own dysfunction for the most part and made me rethink everything...this in turn certainly made me behave differently...it affected every avenue of my “self” and made for a better person, though far from perfect, still a vast improvement over being left to my own devices for certain. I guess it is simply “growth” after all is said and done.
While expending such a vast amount of emotional energy to try to be a good mother I feel now that I am back on the door step of my “self”. My job is essentially done (though we know it is NEVER really done) and I am nearly back to living my life with only myself to consider – but....wait...stop for 1 moment...I am in a relationship now...that’s right...I am not supposed to just think as a ME – only I am having a very hard time doing so.
Call it self-preservation, call it emotionally stunted – whatever. I don’t know what so-called normal is, I suspect it doesn’t exist b/c normal is different for every individual, thus I have a tough time gauging wtf I should be doing.
Oh and don’t tell me just to act natural...Oh no b/c I am a mean ass fucker and am constantly annoyed and am terrible to live with. I have explored the shit out of it too...it is NOT self-sabotage...it’s just me. It is making me understand a lot about the women in my family...I am not sure any of us are meant to live with anyone...ha-ha Not even kidding.
I know I am not the only person on the planet to find it excruciating to share space with someone & have someone around so much – this helps me to not feel like a complete and utter bitch from hell. It’s been 10 mths...I should be used to it by now right? Nope. Perhaps I used up all my patience (haha like I ever really had any to spare!) and tolerance with Ayla...maybe patience and tolerance are like ovarian eggs...you are born with all u ever have...and with time they either run out or are just too old to be good 4 anything. All I know is I do not like myself being such a miserable twat all the time and I suspect it is not too much for for said boyfriend either.
I am eating like a gawd damn champion these days...I have run into my usual good eating puzzles: needing more creative recipes/meals/snacks and remembering to have EVERYTHING prepped and ready or the Starving Scramble happens...so far so good though for the most part. Bought a scale 4 the 1st time in 20 yrs....for the purpose of accountability and tracking. Am certainly looking fwd to getting past the CRIPPLE portion of the walking bit...fuck - being a fatty and walking is killing my hips...so once I dump a little weight I think it'll be all good again. Donna and I have a good new walking route down Kings from Cook St to Foul Bay Rd. It's a 5K total walk. Takes just under an hour...We are committing to twice a week to do it together...Tuesdays and Fridays...then I am back to walking 20-30 mins to work and home from work. the conflicting info is as usual the biggest hurdle...there's low fat, low carb, the glycemic index...I am just eating the same only a lot LESS of it minus the obvious crap like candy, junk food, soda etc and avoiding white rice, potatoes, deep fried anything, bread, pasta...I eat bread once in a while as a treat with peach jam that Donna in Parksville gave me omg it is effing GOOD! ::drool::
While expending such a vast amount of emotional energy to try to be a good mother I feel now that I am back on the door step of my “self”. My job is essentially done (though we know it is NEVER really done) and I am nearly back to living my life with only myself to consider – but....wait...stop for 1 moment...I am in a relationship now...that’s right...I am not supposed to just think as a ME – only I am having a very hard time doing so.
Call it self-preservation, call it emotionally stunted – whatever. I don’t know what so-called normal is, I suspect it doesn’t exist b/c normal is different for every individual, thus I have a tough time gauging wtf I should be doing.
Oh and don’t tell me just to act natural...Oh no b/c I am a mean ass fucker and am constantly annoyed and am terrible to live with. I have explored the shit out of it too...it is NOT self-sabotage...it’s just me. It is making me understand a lot about the women in my family...I am not sure any of us are meant to live with anyone...ha-ha Not even kidding.
I know I am not the only person on the planet to find it excruciating to share space with someone & have someone around so much – this helps me to not feel like a complete and utter bitch from hell. It’s been 10 mths...I should be used to it by now right? Nope. Perhaps I used up all my patience (haha like I ever really had any to spare!) and tolerance with Ayla...maybe patience and tolerance are like ovarian eggs...you are born with all u ever have...and with time they either run out or are just too old to be good 4 anything. All I know is I do not like myself being such a miserable twat all the time and I suspect it is not too much for for said boyfriend either.
I am eating like a gawd damn champion these days...I have run into my usual good eating puzzles: needing more creative recipes/meals/snacks and remembering to have EVERYTHING prepped and ready or the Starving Scramble happens...so far so good though for the most part. Bought a scale 4 the 1st time in 20 yrs....for the purpose of accountability and tracking. Am certainly looking fwd to getting past the CRIPPLE portion of the walking bit...fuck - being a fatty and walking is killing my hips...so once I dump a little weight I think it'll be all good again. Donna and I have a good new walking route down Kings from Cook St to Foul Bay Rd. It's a 5K total walk. Takes just under an hour...We are committing to twice a week to do it together...Tuesdays and Fridays...then I am back to walking 20-30 mins to work and home from work. the conflicting info is as usual the biggest hurdle...there's low fat, low carb, the glycemic index...I am just eating the same only a lot LESS of it minus the obvious crap like candy, junk food, soda etc and avoiding white rice, potatoes, deep fried anything, bread, pasta...I eat bread once in a while as a treat with peach jam that Donna in Parksville gave me omg it is effing GOOD! ::drool::Saturday, January 08, 2011
Zzzzzz
just slept 8 hrs - which is extremely uncommon for me...thank u T3s...
after my walk with donna last night and it being day 1 of hemorrhage hell (i cannot even bend over to tie my own shoes on day 1) i came home and showered and popped a few fuzzy inducing T3s, watched mantracker with G on the couch and eventually slipped into a coma once in bed...
today im gunna look at shoes...but im not buying if they aren't EXACTLY what i want...that's how i got stuck with these black new balances...ffs! i curse my hard to fit feet...curse them...shoe buying is up there with friggin bra buying...A GENERAL MISERABLE EXPERIENCE THAT ISN'T CHEAP.
after my walk with donna last night and it being day 1 of hemorrhage hell (i cannot even bend over to tie my own shoes on day 1) i came home and showered and popped a few fuzzy inducing T3s, watched mantracker with G on the couch and eventually slipped into a coma once in bed...
today im gunna look at shoes...but im not buying if they aren't EXACTLY what i want...that's how i got stuck with these black new balances...ffs! i curse my hard to fit feet...curse them...shoe buying is up there with friggin bra buying...A GENERAL MISERABLE EXPERIENCE THAT ISN'T CHEAP.
Friday, January 07, 2011
Lentils - the New Crack
Loved G's batch of DAL he made this week with chicken and yummy goodness. its quite good with brown rice! Now I wanna do more lentil eating....Donna and I are going walking tonight after dinner...we made a pact to not make our HANGING OUT be about food anymore...her and I dine out a lot...did anyway...now we will walk! And eventually we will dine out for yummy salads and such but right now - for me anyway - I am too delicate to go into a restaurant.
G's stocking stuffer finally came in the mail yesterday...I received it well b4 xmas but sent it back (ebay purchase) b/c I thought for the $ I spent on it it should have dried glue squishing out of the gears etc...made it look welfare as shit so i sent it back and figured the replacement wouldn't make it in time 4 xmas so I planned accordingly...the new version is great....kinda looks like the pewter one he already had but this brass steampunk version is pretty cool...she also sent me a brass looking tree pendent for my trouble which I actually like and will wear once I remove the butterfly on it...
my favorite facebook status of all time:
Jennifer Conklin: It's true..I did take a bag of bulk wieners to a Motely Crue concert in 1987 and threw wieners at Nikki Sixx all night...after of course affixing my name & number to each wiener. He never called....Rude.
9 hours ago - View Feedback (18)
Mike Carman, Erikk Stefan Isfeld, Sheena Babic and 5 others like this.
Steven Fairclough Legend.
9 hours ago · Like · 2 people
*
Hermione Magdelene Best use of weiners I have ever heard of.
9 hours ago · Like · 2 people
*
Wendy Pulkrabek HAHAHA
9 hours ago · Like
*
Cassandre Condon I love you so much right now.
9 hours ago · Like · 1 person
*
Trevor Thomas Oh my I really laughed out loud when I read that
9 hours ago · Like · 1 person
*
Erin Sexton you are so totally my hero
9 hours ago · Like · 1 person
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Erin Sexton p.s. I had to do the same thing to Amanda to FINALLy get her to date me, weird right?
9 hours ago ·Like · 1 person
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Abu Anka What I would not give for a hot dog right now. Written on or not..
8 hours ago · Like · 2 people
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Adrienne Benner Jen maybe the ink ran and your name looked like Jon, bulk wieners from Jon may have frightened him, I'm just saying... PS OMG Erin, you are hilarious!
7 hours ago · Like
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Jennifer Conklin ya id consider killing a cute toddler 4 a hotdog right now....all this talk of wasting them on motley crue - hmmmf!
4 minutes ago · Like
9 hours ago - View Feedback (18)
Mike Carman, Erikk Stefan Isfeld, Sheena Babic and 5 others like this.
Steven Fairclough Legend.
9 hours ago · Like · 2 people
*
Hermione Magdelene Best use of weiners I have ever heard of.
9 hours ago · Like · 2 people
*
Wendy Pulkrabek HAHAHA
9 hours ago · Like
*
Cassandre Condon I love you so much right now.
9 hours ago · Like · 1 person
*
Trevor Thomas Oh my I really laughed out loud when I read that
9 hours ago · Like · 1 person
*
Erin Sexton you are so totally my hero
9 hours ago · Like · 1 person
*
Erin Sexton p.s. I had to do the same thing to Amanda to FINALLy get her to date me, weird right?
9 hours ago ·Like · 1 person
*
Abu Anka What I would not give for a hot dog right now. Written on or not..
8 hours ago · Like · 2 people
*
Adrienne Benner Jen maybe the ink ran and your name looked like Jon, bulk wieners from Jon may have frightened him, I'm just saying... PS OMG Erin, you are hilarious!
7 hours ago · Like
*
Jennifer Conklin ya id consider killing a cute toddler 4 a hotdog right now....all this talk of wasting them on motley crue - hmmmf!
4 minutes ago · Like
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Dear Scottish Oatmeal...
You taste like vomit. Don't ever get in my mouth again!
Sticking to the regular oatmeal from now on thanks.
All is well in my little PMS psychotic world...just found out my boss is gone all week again so...it will be a quiet week here in Non-Candy Land. I am armed with a snack and good lunch....walked part way to work...and will walk part way home...back on the anti-lard ass wagon.
Saw TRUE GRIT the other day and this old lady behind us had the most annoying voice/laugh...and the volume of that hideous laugh was the main issue...I had a few momentary fantasies of getting up and smashing my giant vat of coke and ice in her face but since it was my last movie soda of goodness I chose to drink in its vile holiness.
Quite enjoyed the movie despite it all...the ending made me wanna die as it was abrupt but I couldnt tell if it was just bc I didnt really want it to end or if it actually was...
I still laugh at how high Graeme jumped when the movies 1st gun blast went off...I jumped too but thats not as funny as him jumping hahaha
Sticking to the regular oatmeal from now on thanks.
All is well in my little PMS psychotic world...just found out my boss is gone all week again so...it will be a quiet week here in Non-Candy Land. I am armed with a snack and good lunch....walked part way to work...and will walk part way home...back on the anti-lard ass wagon.
Saw TRUE GRIT the other day and this old lady behind us had the most annoying voice/laugh...and the volume of that hideous laugh was the main issue...I had a few momentary fantasies of getting up and smashing my giant vat of coke and ice in her face but since it was my last movie soda of goodness I chose to drink in its vile holiness.
Quite enjoyed the movie despite it all...the ending made me wanna die as it was abrupt but I couldnt tell if it was just bc I didnt really want it to end or if it actually was...
I still laugh at how high Graeme jumped when the movies 1st gun blast went off...I jumped too but thats not as funny as him jumping hahaha
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Good Eating DAY 1
fuck this shit my timing is so severely ridiculous...starting good eating at the height of PMS...i cant even look anyone in the eye today im that irate about absolutely everything and nothing. ha!
scottish oatmeal better rock my fucking world shortly or there will be hell to pay.
i got back to work tomorrow thank gawd...i love to hemorrhage at work of course *eyeroll* - no really i need the structure and schedule of my job to help me eat better and walk...NOTE TO SELF: dont stop bc its so fucking hard to restart....
i cant even be bothered to capitalize my typing...
scottish oatmeal better rock my fucking world shortly or there will be hell to pay.
i got back to work tomorrow thank gawd...i love to hemorrhage at work of course *eyeroll* - no really i need the structure and schedule of my job to help me eat better and walk...NOTE TO SELF: dont stop bc its so fucking hard to restart....
i cant even be bothered to capitalize my typing...
Monday, January 03, 2011
hahahaha
FIRST DIRTY MOVIE I EVER SAW AS A KID
TRAILER
I think I just realized WHY I wore hideous red Adidas shorts as a 13 year old....
TRAILER
I think I just realized WHY I wore hideous red Adidas shorts as a 13 year old....
Sunday, January 02, 2011
I would like to say...
fuck you to Blogger b/c the photo function rarely works. I upload pics and they wont insert into the post so....fuck you Blogger you welfare POS!
I am off to some WEIRD sale with Alex this morning....cannot wait!
I am off to some WEIRD sale with Alex this morning....cannot wait!
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Happy Poo Year
Was hardly able to make it to midnight last night...if it wasn't got G and Guy being Wii Retards I may have fallen asleep at the table.
Our Thai dinner was FAB! Fuck I ate so much I near died but it was sooooooo good. Hot Donna came too so the 5 of us had a good time...then we just came back to my place, hung out and eventually the Wii got turned on...watching Guy get extremely into the games was a riot...I do suspect he has a sore arm today. They left at midnight to their hotel by the ferry as they planned a trip to the mainland to track down a very rare woodpecker in Matsqui. Hope they got to see him.
Ayla and Brennan (I want to call him her boyfriend but I dunno if I am allowed to) stumbled in around 6 am...I woke up at 8 and had a leisurely morning...ate leftover thai food for brekky and watched some documentary on growing up in Canada...then I Wii'd by myself and quite enjoyed it...I fuggin LOVE the Wii Resort game.
I am devastated that Guy beat me at swordplay...I was undefeated...then Graeme started to conspire against me and it was over...fuckers. Poor Donna had messed up ribs so she was feelings really sore...just laughing was a struggle for her...
The other Donna went to see TRUE GRIT and said it was excellent...
Shawn is in town and coming over at 5 for sushi and Wii I am sure...haven't seen him since he moved to Kelowna (SOB!) so it'll be nice seeing him! :o)
Our Thai dinner was FAB! Fuck I ate so much I near died but it was sooooooo good. Hot Donna came too so the 5 of us had a good time...then we just came back to my place, hung out and eventually the Wii got turned on...watching Guy get extremely into the games was a riot...I do suspect he has a sore arm today. They left at midnight to their hotel by the ferry as they planned a trip to the mainland to track down a very rare woodpecker in Matsqui. Hope they got to see him.
Ayla and Brennan (I want to call him her boyfriend but I dunno if I am allowed to) stumbled in around 6 am...I woke up at 8 and had a leisurely morning...ate leftover thai food for brekky and watched some documentary on growing up in Canada...then I Wii'd by myself and quite enjoyed it...I fuggin LOVE the Wii Resort game.
I am devastated that Guy beat me at swordplay...I was undefeated...then Graeme started to conspire against me and it was over...fuckers. Poor Donna had messed up ribs so she was feelings really sore...just laughing was a struggle for her...
The other Donna went to see TRUE GRIT and said it was excellent...
Shawn is in town and coming over at 5 for sushi and Wii I am sure...haven't seen him since he moved to Kelowna (SOB!) so it'll be nice seeing him! :o)
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