Who Me?

It is Thor’s Day...woohoo That is good b/c tomorrow is a stat and I have Monday off so it is a 4 day weekend of glory which is always a good thing.

I am leaving today at 4 pm to meet Shawna at the Odeon to see BAD TEACHER...then we will make our way to the V-Lounge to see Alex in an art show going on there...

Today will be busy at work...I am drinking tea and thinking I did not eat enough yesterday as i feel ill and gross. I have this extreme personality disorder...I either eat way too effing much or not enough...I have always had a very tough time finding balance in my life on pretty much every level of being. I am either Fine or completely not. No in-between for this chick...though the time I was on Prozac...ohhh the bliss of being ‘level’ was wordlessly wonderful. It was truly the only time in my life that I felt level and okay...It didn’t change my personality it kind of made me a better version of myself in the sense that I wasn’t such a reactionary jackass experiencing constant peaks and valleys...sounds bi-polar I know but not that extreme thankfully...I have come to the conclusion @ 40 that that’s just how it is in life and you just have to deal with it and stop expecting so much unrealistic crap. Our culture deceives us. Big TVs, fancy cell phones, laptops, nice clothes, shiny cars, Big Macs, owning a house the bank actually owns and the like do not actually make us happier or lead more fulfilled lives. Far from it. What makes me happy now is – aside from my own person pleasures like music and art and all that crap – relationships with family and friends...the rest is shit.

 [If this cranberry muffin gives me heartburn that is the last cranberry anything I ever eat just 4 the record]

Canada Post is back thank gawd....it sounds like them being legislated back to work pretty much ruined any hope they had of bargaining which is unfortunate...I am very torn where unions are concerned...clearly see a need for them b/c no one is willing to pay living wages anymore but unions are so abused by shitty employees it kind of ruins the whole purpose sometimes...

Tomorrow is Drag Queen Baseball...looking fwd to that...

CONFLICTION!

1030pm EDIT: ok dont shit the bed...I am just panicking...I will probably go ahead with this I just need to spazz out a little cuz I dont like my innards getting fucked with...

1:50 pm - Ok so here I go: I am honestly not sure I want this gallbladder surgery. At 1st I was relieved to finally have made it to the top of the list but now that I have done some reading I am FAR MORE unsure. 

It seems like the possible post-op effects of having no GB are really friggin shitty (pardon the pun)...20% of ppl who get their GB yanked have chronic diarrhea. 20%!! Then there are people who started having all sorts of gastrointestinal issues like IBS etc. Then there is the unexplained weight gain people experience. SERIOUSLY? FML I need mysterious weight gain like I need a 3rd tit.

The truth of it is...I don’t have consistent GB pain. While losing weight my GB gets very sensitive and I have to be careful to not indulge in bad food or it goes ape ship crazy. I haven’t had a GB attack in close to a year I think...and yes they are worse now than ever, lasting up to 12 hrs and sending me in a cab to the ER b/c I cannot cope. These attacks cause me great anxiety...not gunna lie...b/c I pretty much think I am fucking dying and the GB must have ruptured and my bile is burning holes all over my body and gangrene is gunna set in etc...fugg. But the thought of the trots for the rest of my fucking life EVERY DAY causes me more anxiety I think. Like I don’t have enough hang ups about public shitting rituals as it is? Jesus. So I have sent off a spastic email to my Dr and am probing her for logic and info...and I am seriously considering cancelling the surgery....but I am gunna take my time and read more and wait for her answer....etc. Thank you Michelle B for bringing this up in my head today...no seriously, no being sarcastic at all!

So aside from over-thinking about having the shits all the time this Monday isn’t too hideous...so damn tired though...4 am I woke up bc I was SO HOT...I moved out to the couch with the fan on and kinda slept til 530 but I was dreaming stupid shit. Ayla had some boy over who wasn’t her BF and he let this obese wingless peacock in the house and it wouldn’t leave...plus some other fucking birds got in so the whole dream was me spazzing out trying to get these birds out. SO RESTFUL! :\

I ate a lot of pizza last night...in preparation for my good eating starting today...I ate so much pizza in fact I was SURE my GB was gunna call BS on me and try to kill me but no...the little rotten bastard was mellow and peaceful. Here is another thing on my mind....they poke 4 holes into your lardness and do the laparrapptascopy (sp) via camera etc...when they sever the GB and take it out...what if all the crap inside it squishes out all over the damn place?? WTF! Will I get gangrene? Infection? Cancer?! How gross would it be to walk around with your gallstones floating around in your gut? Don’t get me started on the clips they use to clip off the bile ducts etc. I don’t want that crap in me..possibly coming undone and floating around...I am SO conflicted!!

Saturday Sichooashun

Ignore the appearance of my mother holding a dildo in her lap. I really like this picture.
In my friday night nerdness I opted to look through some old back up discs from 2006 etc...most of them worked, only a few had gone 'bad' and could not be copied off...it is good I had them on disk because a few yrs ago - you may or may not recall - Ayla friggin deleted a WHOLE shitload of my photos "by accident" though I do wonder if she did it on purpose... :\ Anyway...some pics on there I thought were gone forever so it was nice to transfer some back to my PC.

BBQ at Donna's today...Ayla is coming too which is a nice treat...Erin and Amanda (AKA The Lesbos) as well...for Wii, food and hilarity I am sure. Not sunny out but thats ok...it isnt raining but it wouldn't matter since Donna's got a massive deck awning anyhow.

Really weird morning...every so often I am struck with the realization that survival is not getting any easier despite years and years of forward moving and strategic planning to lessen financial burdens etc. Being left with 58 cents after all is said and done on paydays is just depressing no matter how I look at it. I have no debt. Rent, regular house bills, groceries, bank fees, laundry...no fancy car payments...no credit card nightmare payments, no furniture payments...this is going to make saving for Cuba next year very difficult. haha I need to come up with a way to make extra $ that is not taxable...and I need to get serious about it. If I plan on having any sort of life once Ayla leaves the nest I have to get on it...

Ahh yes the weekend is here...tonight is sushi night with Lisa and her awesomely entertaining, politically incorrect and fun dad!

Then I must grocery shop...ugh.

Saturday is BBQ day with the Lesbos at Hot Donna’s...Ayla is coming too if she isn’t too hung over ...::eye roll::... 

Sunday is crafty crafter day...I am getting onto making stencils...not lame flowery ones but cool street art ones...I made my 1^st jellyfish one the other night and it is was quite time consuming esp having all the wrong materials and equipment BUT somehow quite satisfying when done! My plan is to make little artsy things on cardboard and stick them up around town if they don’t suck. There are some people that do that around town and I take the pieces home and decorate my kitchen with them so it seems only right to make some for other ppl to take home. Plus the possibilities are endless and what better way to send opinions & messages to the strolling public than popping some cool little item up a telephone pole? Some of the stencilling I googled is super EFFING awesome and really impressive to me but I am keeping it small n simple. I feel kinda lame b/c I cannot draw to save my life so I am stealing other ppls stencil templates...hahaha I have a tough enough time looking at a template and trying to work my brain around which part I cut and what part I don’t so trying to draw one from scratch  - at this point – seems unlikely.

How perfectly brilliant that Gordon Campbell was given the sweetest federal gov't job after resigning in shame from his BC Premier position....Not that we ever needed to wonder but it seems awfully apparent why he took the HST bullet now doesn't it? I am sure he was told he would be taken care of and that he is...this province has become such a gawd damn joke its sickening to me.

Summer Bummer

1^st day of summer…I cannot express with human words the level of anxiety this brings up in me. Much like the phone call I am waiting for. I agreed to be involved in a study about sibling suicide. In a few minutes some American university student will be calling me to question me for about 40 mins on my experience. I am a little anxious as I do not know what kind of Q’s will be asked…at the same time I am kind of interested in seeing her final project. 

Ayla’s boyfriend Sean is celebrating his birthday today. Ayla took him to The Keg for his birthday…Ms Money Bags! She has never taken me the The Keg…EVER…and I am the one who earned 2 cooch stitches pushing her out…among other parental horrors I won’t delve into.

LATER: Oh wow that was a very interesting interview. I had a terrible feeling I was going to fall apart and I did. I am so predictable. Interesting study though – I am looking fwd to reading her final paper on it; she has agreed to send me a copy to read. I look forward to it as she brought up a lot of family dynamic questions that I haven’t really thought about b/c my family is so fragmented. Whew…glad that’s over. I need a drink. Amazing that loss suffered so long ago (11 yrs now) has a way of rendering you incapable of feeling any differently than you did right at the time it all went down. I have been thinking about Wendy a lot this week…her son was just a few yrs younger than Glenn was and it sounds as though his death was a suicide and it is just such a special mind fuck…not just for Wendy but her 2 other sons as well…such a terrible terrible loss to try and wrap your head around.

School is out now…fml.

This mail strike is SOOOOO annoying me…its messing me up at work and I am waiting for some items off eBay I really frigging need for Madelyn’s b’day pressie I am making her…plus…I use the mail a lot and I have crap to mail!!!!!!!! Hopefully I hear by the start of next week it will be resolved…

Happy Sperm Day

Yesterday was such a shit day I have to say. Wendy's son Jesse died...the day just doesn't bounce back after news like that...then I made the mistake of watching a doc on the 2004 Indonesian Tsunami...I pretty much sat on the couch all day...all fucking day...tarted up...on the couch...blah. Poor Wendy...every parents worst nightmare is her reality right now.

I spent the morning hanging out with Escher while his mom set up down at VIC Fest...hanging out with little boys is weird having never had one to hang out with before...he is an interesting kid though - amusing and quite enjoyable to be around.

Today I am going to pick up a recumbent bike I bought off usedvictoria.com gawd help me...I have never used one before...if nothing else it will be an expensive toe stubber machine 4 my room...though Ayla is excited 4 it to be here...otherwise today is my last day off of 4...and I have pretty much done fuck all which annoys me...I am in such a weird mood right now...so terribly weird...

Donna drunk dialed me last night...then hung up. I called her back but her drunk jabbering was completely unintelligible...like...a different language completely! I was asking her if she was safe at home...but I dunno wth she was saying so once she just hung up I just crossed my fingers she was ok at home...I see she's FB'd this morning so she didn't expire from alcohol poisoning...

Weird mood....yeah detached...that's how I feel..from my self and everyone around me...my level of unorganization is annoying the shit out of me as well...I am clearly having one of my cyclic brain shifts...

Friday Night's Alright for Sweet Fuck All

I am surely the epitome of a sad single woman this fine night. I have just watched a mediocre Joaquin Phoenix movie..."Two Lovers"...I watched it despite the fact Gwyneth Paltrow is in it. Ayla walked in from work at the height of the one and only love scene and is convinced I watch porn at home alone now. Awesome. Another thing to add to her list to take into therapy when shes older.

I was planning to go see BUZZARD play tonight but you know...10:30 starts are just too much to ask of me these days...I went down earlier and scoped the place out...but could not convince myself to hang out or go back once I came home.

Now I am sitting in the semi-dark...its nearly midnight...I have some music on...Truffle Pigs...I love all the MG songs that contain my name in them: "....Jen I'll bring them to their kneessssss..." Guess I should be grateful his starter wife's name was Jen.
I am on shuffle...I love the shuffle feature. It is like a surprise every 4 mins. I am in a bit of a weird head space currently. Transition of sorts. Or something. I don't know. It is neither negative nor positive.

Tomorrow I am hanging with Escher for a bit in the morning while Alex sets up at VIC Fest...that kid amuses me a lot...I think we will make a Father's Day card for his step pa-pa while he is here...then I will go hang with Lisa for a while...if I can find a recumbent exercise bike on Usedvictoria.com I will see about getting it, etc. I have a dolly and she has a truck so...you know...u can never have enough exercise equipment to hang your clothes on after all. I think that would be the best way to get exercising without crushing my heel further. I am sure I will hate it - though not as much as I hate myself hopefully so I will use it.

Well - I am pretty tired now...seeing double...yawning like crazy...I am leaving you...my little invisible crowd...my audience of a handful...my pretend fan club....

la la laaaaa

So...yeah.

What can one say? This is not about hockey in the slightest...real fans sucked it up and admitted Boston outplayed Vancouver and carried on...the end.
These assholes downtown would have reacted much the same had Vancouver won, I am fairly confident of that.

All these pukes in jerseys and tight Ed Hardy shirts...making complete fools of themselves and BC in general are nothing but little degenerates. Am I the only one horrified by the amount of ppl standing around taking pictures and video?
I mean if I was DT when shit went sideways and as horrified as I know I would be by what was a-brew I would be high tailing the hell out of there...sure some of that footage will ensure ppl are held accountable for their behavior but I am pretty sure that's NOT why all those ppl were doing it...I cant help but feel like their presence made things worse by providing audience for the degenerates.

The sad part is a majority of the ppl there were not being assholes but it appears differently. The whole world is looking at this shit and laughing...people in oppressed countries must shake their heads at such behaviour over a game loss (this is how the media spins it)...? Seriously...ughhh!

Vancouver just became the official shithole of Canada....again...you riot for the Canuck's sucking....you riot when Guns and Roses cancels a show but....you don't riot for your province being run by power hungry monkeys, your resources being raped or your #1 ranking in ghetto kids in Canada....Well played fucktards...well played.

YESTERDAY: I think I have fixed my shoe trauma. I tried to post a big long thing about my shoe/foot trauma but Blogger ate it....so fuck you Blogger...preventing me from gettin’ my whine on.

So anyway I have a terrible heel day and go to Walk in Comfort out of complete desperation Friday after work...I don’t have 2 dimes to rub together but I am desperate and willing to credit card any pair of shoes that will help me not die. I get there and explain what I have concluded...the Clarks are great BUT the sole so narrow I feel like I walk on skates and can’t really get a comfy sturdy walk going...so I need to stick to lesbionic mens Merrell shoes...so I explain my plight to this guy...now this guy...I have talked with him before...he is tall, and wearing really tight dress pants and tight dress shirt...it reminded me of disco...know what I mean? He has a slight Scottish or Irish accent...and he is VERY sure of himself...he sits me down and measures my foot...this has never happened to me before...he goes me the shoes...sits me down and puts them on me, ties them for me...I admit...it made me kinda moist...the take charge shoe guy tied my gawd damn shoes for me without asking for a blow job or any other form of payment! IT’S AMAZING! I am thinking of sending a thank you card.

Needless to say I bought the shoes...I think at that point if he had tied snow shoes to me feet and claimed they would make my heel better I would have bought them. They kick ass though...my heel was instantly feeling less hideous and I iced the crap out of it all weekend and stayed off it mostly and today I am back to it being half decent.

Saturday Lisa & I went to a gay-raj sale...I scored a cd, a book and a stool all for 5 bucks. I am fond of the stool. It is white and I may so dome hideous arts and craftsy thing to it. I then carried on my day later and went to Alex’s place to make punk rock tutus. I now KNOW how to make tutus. I feel like I should add this to my resume and really milk it 4 all it’s worth...I have a little cousin Madelyn who I am considering making one for her birthday...I mean I can make her a HORSE-THEMED TuTu and I will be her favourite aunty for 5 mins!!

New windows this week...SOOOO excited to have new fancy windows that have screens and they all open! WOOHOO!!! Dunno if the bldg owner won the lotto or what but I dig it...maybe if I hang in long enough I will get a new patio door...or kitchen cupboards that are not old, disgusting and falling apart... (Ohhh one can dream.)

I am deeking work a little early to ensure I get home in time for Game 6. The dementia still hasn’t passed...I am totally into this play off shit...I really hope they win tonight b/c I cannot deal with the stress of it all! I think next season when hockey starts up I won’t really care about it again...I think I am one of those play off whores who just watches once it’s really awesome....not a hardcore watch every game all season fan.

TODAY: Ok it is now the day after Game 6 and the Canucks were raped again violently. Game 7 is tomorrow night....HUMP DAY...please please please universe let the Canucks not get bent over a log and raped hard again...I can say honestly I am a little worried that if they don’t win the cup on their own turf the downtown Vancouver crowd is going to embarrass us with retard antics.

Moving on...I have decided to make Miss Madelyn a Horsey Tutu for her upcoming birthday...having just learned how to make tutus via the Awesome Alexandra I was instantly struck with a vision to make one with little horsey charms etc for Miss M. b/c she is HORSE crazy and is coincidentally having a Horsey Themed b’day this year...

I am my own hair cutter. I just cut my own hair and gawd dammit I like it more than the last 3 haircuts I paid out the ass for. If u recall my last hair cut was March 2010 where I was violated and raped at the Shampoo Hair Bar. That’s right over a year later I am still traumatized and bitter...and I haven’t gone in for a haircut since. I do wish my hairdresser friends Laura and Adele would move here...and save me from myself lol Anyhow I really needed a buncha dead dry hair cut off so I just went to town and cut a few inches off and TAADAAA! All good...no trauma...no sad story to report.

The Gallbladder people called me...They have an open date at the end of July...so I am gunna talk to my boss today and confirm with the surgeon. I am a tard and watched a gallbladder operation on youtube last night...I didn’t realize its kinda stuck to the liver so its gotta be peeled/burned off kind...quite grody...I have many reservations but I am just gunna do it b/c I don’t want the threat of a gallbladder attack hanging over my head the rest of my life...it hasn’t bugged me in a year but as soon as I start exercising and eating good it gets stupid sensitive and causes me all sortsa grief so...screw it...BEGONE GALLBLADDER...just watch I will be one of those friggin ppl who gets a life time of the trots from this operation......GAWDDDDD THAT WOULD SUCK.

Tim Thomas Loves Me

Tim Thomas Loves Me, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

...that is all.

Really?

Really Blogger? Really? Must you suck such dick? You eat my posts...your picture uploading rarely works. I know you are free but come on...? Most blogging platforms are free...doesn't mean you have to SUCK. {pretend there is a pretty picture here}

Dementia Onset

On to a weird issue I am having (did I mention I was overdue to blather?)...I am 40 yrs old and have NEVER sat through a hockey game in my life, always hated hockey, didn't understand the game or the draw to it....UNTIL LAST WEEK...so much buzz about the Canucks and the potential Stanley Cup win...I dunno why...but I watched Game 3...you know the annihilation in Boston...Canucks Cream Pie...8-1 loss from the depths of Hades...anyway...that was the 1st game I have ever watched....and I was officially hooked. 40 yrs old. WTF is that? It's like dementia has set in and I am losing my faculties. So I watched game 4 at Tracey and Adrienne's and they explained some stuff to me...so the game was a little easier to follow...another loss...wah! Last night game 5...I am doing stuff after work, constantly checking the time...conscious of missing the puck drop...then Adrienne texts me they played Matthew Good's WEAPON song at the start of the game....FUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG SERIOUSLY?!!

So I get home and its still 0-0...and I plant myself until 8 pm...yelling YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! Yelling FUCK! Yelling in general at the TV like I am some other person...It is so surreal to me. So the Canucks win last night and I realize the next game - AND POTENTIAL CUP WINNING GAME FOR THEM - is Monday...and I promptly cancel my plans for Monday (dinner and drinks with old work peeps after work). Never in 1038947583758375 yrs would I have ever thought I would ditch people to run home and watch a hockey game. JHC. I doubt I will be much of a non-playoff watcher...but man am I ever enjoying the Canucks buzz...SIDE NOTE: as it turns out I have a massive crush on Tim Thomas the Bruins goalie and would like to make out with him. The End.

Brain Fuggery

Migraine all day yesterday...so rude....head is all scrambled today...

AYLA DO NOT SHUT YOUR BEDROOM DOOR WITH THE CAT IN YOUR ROOM EVER AGAIN...I will get up out of bed and come into your room and bludgeon you both to death...you for locking the cat in your room and not letting it out after HOURS AND HOURS of it scritching at the fucking door, keeping me awake most of the night...and then the cat for simply being an annoying cat.

Can you tell me with no sleep = utter psychosis...oh it does. I am so dead today I can hardly speak. My brains on the verge of another migraine...just sitting there feeling not full blown but on the cusp of destruction.
I would love to go home nd just lay in my bed in the dark and go comatose.

I had to upgrade (= get smaller size) my granny socks this weekend...ohh yeah what a deal...smaller size was only 109.00 from 112.00 - I feel so lucky. Thank christ for benefits or I would be sadly fucked not getting 80% back.
These MFers are tight...like they give my knee a muffin top...no shit.
Its too bad they work so damn good though b/c once its hot..................I dunno wtf I am gunna do.

I may finish my work and leave early today...thats how good I am feeling :|

hockey what?

I do not know how ppl watch hockey and do not have strokes...I am watching (watching as steadily as I ever have in my life, hardly any channel switching) and losing my shit...swearing...sighing...hitting myself in the head...fugg! and 4-0 for Boston...what a bust. I have been told by a reliable source that 1 loss is ok. lol

Jonathan Tucker aka Tommy Donnelly

Jonathan Tucker aka Tommy Donnelly, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

My new pretend boyfriend...

The Black Donnellys

The Black Donnellys, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

love love love this show

Kimmy

Nov 11-15 2010 305, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Despite a 11 year age difference and never living together as a family (that she can remember) Kim and I have managed to maintain a connection into adulthood that I am quite grateful for. When she was a baby I was irrationally fond of both her and my brother and I can honestly say - looking back - that being separated from them growing up was one of the most damaging and painful moments in my life. I always made a special point to keep in touch and nurture my sibling relationships...and I miss Kim pretty much all the time and it is weird b/c I am so used to rarely seeing her I have made a nice little spot in my mind and heart for her regardless if I see her or not...I don't think a day ever goes by where I do not think of her and our brother...since as far back as forever. Happy 30th Kim! xo

Thank you Miss B!

Way to start off my weekend! CLICK HERE!
Thank you Brigette for having some balls...sure maybe she wanted the summer off and decided to go out with a bang...GOOD! Good to see young people willing to take some personal risks to speak their minds...esp b/c she is absolutely right...a Harper Gov't agenda offends her and she responded. I am getting some ideas of my own from this only mine would likely involve swearing...I would not be nearly as gracious as she was.

Went out with Lisa & her family for dinner...her dad totally cracks me up...he is an 'ass man' I learned tonight...not too into the boobage....oh! and he hates electric razors...and used the term 'jungle bunny' about 38 times. A good time was had by all! Lisa's son Jordan is moving to the city this weekend... :o( He is also good for comedy relief...that dry, sarcastic humor is a gift...and seemingly genetic.

I have no real plans this weekend except to keep reading the David Suzuki autobiography I bummed off Tracey, listen to the new Matt Good CD that finally came in the mail (autographed and fucking glorious!!), possibly rearrange the living room and lament over The Black Donnellys. Do you know about this series? I stumbled upon it via Netflix...Started watching it...instantly had a boner for it...read up on it...1 season only...13 episodes...it only made it to 6 episodes on NBC and they canned it and posted the rest online...and I don't understand it b/c it is a decent show!! Its based on the New York/Hell's Kitchen Irish vs Italian present day mob shit...the Donnellys are 4 brothers who get in all sortsa shit and their family is rooted deep in the neighborhood...have all sorts of personality...the storyline is intricate and as the show progresses the momentum builds towards a lot of intense shit.....but the network never renewed it so as u can imagine...the season finale is fucking gripping and then...yeah that's it forever...RUDE!!!! I WANNA SEE TOMMY DONNELLY AGAINNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!! Anyway I am a dick and ordered the dvd b/c I must own it...and will rewatch as I see fit. Needless to say I am still suffering from withdrawals...which makes me twitch and wanna go make out with an Irish accented hood from New York. I won't though...I am rather repulsed by men currently. I am sure it will pass though.

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY KIM! My little sister is an official grown up now...how weird.