Fack.

Ever since my beloved Deanna died last month of a heart attack, I constantly think I am having a heart attack...seriously...if it can happen to her it surely can happen to me - esp b/c I am genetically predisposed and have a few risk factors...the fact of the matter is I deserve one. It is unfortunate that it took until my 40's to realize through the haze of my generalized/consistent depression that I  pretty much fucked myself. Every hour I spend on the treadmill these days I cannot help but see the simplicity of it all. I hate exercise...truly loathe it...but an hour of it is nothing. Yeah it wrecks my hair and yeah it makes me hot and sweaty...but if I had "gotten it" 20 yrs ago I wouldn't find myself in the state of obese life betrayal that I am in now. I can assure you 20 yrs ago had I had any real incentive or idea about what I should be doing to take care of myself it would not be so hard in my 40's It astounds me how this managed to escape me...I am not stupid...though I certainly feel so at the moment - especially wandering around a gym full of ppl who CLEARLY "got it" long before I did or were somehow programmed to just know it.

I am excessively happy that A. is programmed...like she had a choice really...between watching me waddle through life and me making a concentrated effort to ensure she "got it" early on (to avoid my current state) - she's got it...she does yoga, she runs, danced, sports, she lives life....it is surely my grandest accomplishment...raising a fearless go-getter from the comfort and safety of my couch/desk chair...it is like some sort of miracle really...

Back to my treadmill musings while sweat dribbles down my face and I watch fit people doing what I am doing with little to no effort as I die...watching that clock on the treadmill becomes my life for an hour....at 6:50 mins in - I am calculating the time left before the agony is complete...53:10...I am getting better at math as well as sweating my balls off. Even while hating every minute...every step that my foot is on fire and being crushed there is a voice in my head - ragging at me that if I had started this 20 yrs ago I would be a different person, likely a happier person, would have been a better mother and would not be limping around like a stereotypical fat lady with a fucked up foot. Oh hindsight you cruel mistress of regret...fuck you. All I can do now is go forward...I mean - I am not dead yet...I haven't had my leg amputated...I am not in a wheelchair...and I have no control over dropping dead of a heart attack at this point so...just keep going...

Like Deanna wasn't...I am not done yet...I still have some shit to do...stuff to see...things to see through...so...even though it is easier to crawl into bed and sleep and over-contemplate everything I will go get some sun today, go see some good people with positivity to offer and get out of my head b/c if one thing has become very clear to me...I cannot be trusted in my head.

On Good Friday We Eat Pink Ham!

CLICK TO SEE RUMI WILCO

I think this is where A. is in Ecuador....it looks amazing....she said the 13 hr bus ride was horrid but well worth it....she is not ill at all, hasn't been abducted by bandits or anything of the like so it is a good day. I imagine they are making their way south in order to get into Peru to go to Machu Picchu...


Kim and I hit the Y today...then a movie...then home for a ham dinner (I hope that is blasphemous somehow)...she eats ketchup on her ham. Weirdo.
It was exceptionally warm today...made me realize summer is coming yet again (BOO! HISS!) Another damn summer...

Tara is in town tomorrow...so her and her toddler of cuteness will be over for a little visit...then I think I am gunna go see Kate and Ethan at their new house now that they have moved into town...Gotta keep busy to avoid obsessing about the potential perils of my only child backpacking through South America...

Sunday I am planning to write a letter and putter as I wait for the evening to come to download the season finale of the Walking Dead and the Season Premier of Game of Thrones (squeeeeel). I am the GoT pimp now....as I am downloading the new episodes and putting them on usb drives for my 2 co-workers. I need someone to talk to about these shows...or I will go mad. Kim doesn't like Zombie stuff or Game of Thrones type shows so...hmmmf.

What I am listening to this week a lot....relaxinggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.....

Reluctant Breeder

Words spoken by my Aunty Pam about 18 yrs ago have been echoing through my head all week....esp last night and this morning....b/c I finally truly understand it. I didn't at the time b/c my girl was still little and lovely and the apple of my eye (whateverthefugg that means)...she said if she could go back and choose again she would have no children...not regretting having the 2 she had at all...but knowing the pain, struggle and agony involved in loving someone more than yourself...she would opt out faced with the choice. I get it...I finally truly get it and would make the same choice.

A. landed in Quito last night at 945pm...I assumed I would get a msg from her from the hostel as she was being fetched from the airport by someone at the hostel....but I heard big fat nothing...so I assumed then it was just so busy and crazy and she hadn't slept the night before she was just tired and crashed....I have emailed the hostel...left a msg at the hostel and just now called the hostel and got a person on the phone who spoke no English...so I cannot even confirm she is there. She flies out to Manta at 1245pm her time (1045 am here)...so all I can do is sit here hoping that she will msg me before her flight or at the very least when she lands with her friends...this is seriously fucking disgusting. I have no idea how other ppl deal with this shit but all I know is I.........

 <<INSERT AWESOME FACEBOOK MESSAGE BLERP SOUND HERE>>

7:33 am: Thank you flying spaghetti monster...all is good with the sprog...she got in late to the hostel and everyone was asleep so she went to bed...she messaged me and we chatted on FB before she left for her taxi to the airport to fly to Manta to meet Niamh and Dylan...I will really feel 1000x better once they are all together.

Not gunna lie...Ativan is very disappointing...perhaps it takes the edge off during a "panic attack" I don't know...but it did shit all for me Sunday....made me a little subdued but it was hardly a magical cure for real feelings which is what I was going for...I guess heroin is always an option in desperate times. Hopefully I will never become that desperate to turn my brain off.

The last 2 days have been so emotional and stressful on top of the last few weeks of impending doom...I am considering becoming a weed smoker...and exploring exactly how one is supposed to conquer the only real fear they have....? How do you surrender to that...? How do you get to a place where it doesn't take hold of your whole psyche and suck the logic and life force from you? Fear is the mind-killer....no truer words have ever been written or spoken.

Surrender...must study the art of true surrender over things you cannot control...and prevent being eaten alive by my own fear and psychological decrepity/decrepency (new words a la Jen? haha) Time to relax...maybe sleep even finally....a good stretch of sleep might make all the difference in the world to me right now.

BE GOOD TO MY BABY ECUADOR!

I think it weighs more than she does....

Packed and ready for 2 months backpacking around Ecuador and Peru.

Almost off....

Last day with miss A. today for  long time...She is buzzing about packing and repacking her backpack, changing her mind about what to bring..."omg look at this shirt with buffaloes on it...I should bring this!" Cracks me up.

Last night we all made pizzas...I tried out a new sweet potato/almond flour crust recipe...after 1 failed batch the others were good and we built our pizzas and dined together talking about how the crust was like a biscuit.

Then we watched a doc called GENERATION RX which wasn't really news to me but good to see regardless b/c it just strengthens my own personal ideas about how there are far too many ppl medicated mindlessly by Drs who do not know these people or understand that sometimes it is just part of life to feel like shit and be sad. The drugging of children is especially disturbing b/c as someone who probably would have been medicated if I was born 10 yrs later than I was - I cannot fathom who I would be had that delicate time in development was hampered with. I am not moronic though...I think some ppl do benefit from drugs b/c they have real issues...but there is no gawd damn way most kids taking this crap need it. School in our society is geared towards one type of learning...it is not set up to be flexible or accommodating so kids - if you do not fit into the mold we have created here for EVERYONE well then there is surely something wrong with you, you are broken and you need fixing. Give me a fucking break.More injustice and abuse inflicted upon unsuspecting people for the almighty dollar. The film itself is sad as shit...the #s of suicides by children on these drugs is painfully horrifying...all these families torn to bits. Having known someone who died in this manner - a gentle soul of a kid who took anti-depressants for a week before violently shooting himself in the head - pretty sure he would still be here if that idiot doctor did not blindly prescribe this kid an anti-depressant b/c he was sad about being dumped by a girl...the thing that makes me so angry about this is ppl just disregard these suicides b/c the ppl were antidepressants...they must have been depressed and suicidal to begin with right? Yeah - no...not all the time...the whole thing is ridiculous...all for profit.

After that uplifting piece (eye-roll) we laughed that 20/20 had a show about travel scams and such so we watched that....then House Hunters had a show about Quito, Ecuador so we have to watch that b/c that is where A. is heading...so....we actually sat around watching TV all night together and it was nice...doesn't happen often.

Off to eat some Ativan....

NEVER...

read about serial killers living free in Ecuador/Peru/Columbia online before bed....ever.

my new favorite.......

I love it that I finally hear this song a year or 2 AFTER it was a big hit...and now its my favorite when everyone else is sick of it - ha!

My Changing Room Adventures & Other Musings at the Y

For some people this is no big deal at all...the change room weirdness. Maybe everyone in there thinks it is a weird as I do - I have no idea....what I do know is some ppl are really comfortable with nudity...most importantly their own nudity in public.

Since I was a kid I have had a very heightened sense of modesty....I recall as a very small child being too uptight to walk past my grandfather and uncle wrapped in a towel after a bath. Age appropriate for sure – only I never out grew this hyper-modest bullshit...even as I got older I never changed in front of girlfriends that I recall...as a teen – same thing...quite uncomfortable with public nudity in any context. Oddly – I am rarely dressed when I am home alone...private nudity – LOVE IT....public...not so much. This makes my fun time at the Y even weirder. I guess I should be thankful for all the exhibitionists and carefree souls at the Y b/c if we all needed change rooms and bathroom stalls there would be line ups to get dressed and undressed and that would be annoying.

I am there at the same time most days so I am seeing many familiar faces...errr...and boobs/crotches. I have names for them 1) Fake Titty Fitness Model Lady 2) Auschwitz Japanese Lady 3) Gray Pube Lady 4) Mean Lesbian Lady 5) Svelte Magazine Reader Lady etc...I have seen more muff in the last month at this gym then I have in my whole 42 yrs combined...and not on purpose...I don’t go looking for this shit...I will walk around the corner and practically walk right into a Gray Pubed Muff – then I panic averting my eyes in any other direction...this is odd behaviour being a natural voyeur type...there is something about the confines of a change room...it’s like spying on ppl using the bathroom – it’s not ok...so it makes me highly edgy. One time I was checking out the shower stalls, specifically casing them out in case I ever decide to shower or use the pool and someone was showering and she looked at me as I was looking intensely into the shower area and I am pretty sure I looked like a weird pervert. I really wanted to say something after but the guaranteed awkwardness was just too much for me to handle.

Here is my latest thing...I have decided to go by the treadmills heart rate chart...I figured out my max heart rate is 183 for my age...80% of that is 144 so 144-148 is cardio level workout (more than that feels like a massive coronary - I was at 167 my 1st day and thought I was gunna effing die)....as opposed to 117 for fat burn...but 117 is fuck all so I like to go 144-148 the whole hour I am there sweating my fake balls off. So...here it is...as a giant person how can my workout at 144-148 heart rate be the same as someone who is 110 lbs? If that 110 lb person has a 200lb backpack on then I would say it would be an even work out...as far as exertion levels...I did my hour thing yesterday next to a person jogging...I was sweating as much as she was....so if that stupid machine says I only burned 300 and some calories (I am not a calorie counter at all and rarely have the machine tell me what the caloric burn is b/c I find it depressing as shit) but she burned 500 and something b/c she was running...HOW CAN THAT BE?? Giant fatty walking hard hauling so much weight has to count for extra burn right?!?!?!?! I should ask Shawn this stuff...he will set me straight...anyway...this is what I think about while I am trying to not wipe out on the treadmill, watching Judge Judy with sweat trickling down my ass crack. Awesome.

I still can’t bring myself to shower at the gym...I like long leisurely showers WITH A LOCKED DOOR between me and the general public...plus I am just too lazy to...it is a lot of work to be as anal retentive as I am and shower in a public place.

Sunday

Ok I am starting to settle down a bit....watching A. make such good choices in her travel planning makes me feel better....she has changed her plan from a bus to her friends on the coast of Ecuador and instead will fly cutting a 12 hr bus ride alone down to a 45 min plane ride where her friends will meet her at the airport. Was not in love with that bus idea...anyhow...it has been fun looking at hostels online and just watching her use her noodle to be efficient and thorough. I am not in love with the fact once she meets up with her friends the itinerary gets a big vague....as in there is no real plan...just to make their way down along the coast into Peru and then go to Machu Picchu (so jealous!) and then they all fly out together May 22 home...she can only be in touch if she calls or has wifi....so she is essentially unreachable which is...you know...ugh! If I let myself think of all the horrible what ifs I will go bat shit crazy so for once in my life I am going to work hard at trying to maintain a positive outlook and just be happy that she has made such an amazing opportunity for herself.

She is SO excited...and so brave...she impresses the shit out of me.

Went and saw "Oz The Great and Powerful" today...it is was okay...loved the look and vibe...loved the acting but the movie itself was kind of lackluster...was kind of surprised.

Never cut up a jalapeno and then eat grapes with the same hand....last time I cut up a jalapeno I friggin burned out my eyeball...you'd think I would learn but no....instead I burned half my mouth off and half my face looked like I had Angelina Jolie lips...which I can assure you is not ok.

The Ecuador/Peru Mom Nightmare

Travel plans are fast and furious...vaccination clinic has poked and prescribed all the drugs they can for A...malaria pills, typhoid vaccine, yellow fever vaccine, altitude sickness pills, Rx anti poop your pants pills, antibiotics 'just in case'. Fuck. Gets harder to put on a happy face with details like that...what I would not do right now to be one of those ppl that goes through life not worrying about stuff that hasn't happened...it is a sick place - my mind right now...it is unfortunate I am not an actress b/c at any given moment I can produce hysterical, tear squishing out of my head crying complete with sobbing and a really ugly cry face to go with it - ON DEMAND!...I am hoping when the PMS passes in 4-5 days I will be a little less likely to end up at the Eric Martin Pavilion (aka mental hospital)...

A. is chomping at the bit to get outta dodge so in a mere 10 days as Lisa and I drive her to the ferry to send her off she will be skipping and joyous will I jam more Ativan down my yap. Fun times...as always...A goes off on an adventure (which logically I am excited about) and I will spend 2 months running worst (or is it worse?) case scenarios through my head...a basket case...shitting myself whenever the phone rings scared it will be the Canadian Consulate in Ecuador or Peru calling to inform me that my kid was murdered by Ecuadorian bandits or killed in a massive flood. I am not kidding when I say this is all I think about...I deserve a medal for smiling at all this week.

On a positive note...Kim likes her job and seems to be fitting in well...and as much as I detest exercise I am still hitting the Y three times a week...when A is away I may be going more as a distractionary measure.

So..yeah there is a new Pope. What the hell is with all this coverage...I don't recall this level of interest when the last one - who always looked like a little evil Nazi to me - got the job. I am tired of hearing about it, how great this one will be...the hope he offers so many...he is anti-gay...so how awesome can he possibly be?

BLACK RIBBONS...reminds me of 80's music....which is why I like it I guess..."Teardrops"...so super 80's awesome.

A. just raided my sock drawer for thick socks. She is so cute...I am pretty impressed with how thorough she is being preparing for this trip.....doing it all herself...she is on top of shit as far as I can tell.

Panic in the heart of the unworldly....

Starting to panic now about A's trip...taking a lot of energy to not "go" there in my head. I have informed her she cannot die on this trip. Hope it helps. Must keep manipulating my mind, thinking about baseball and pap smears as a distractionary measure.

Smattering of Blatheriness

Today is Deanna's service in Powell River...let the collective sigh of defeat and grief begin. I am extremely impressed that her niece Kori is doing the main eulogy...Kori will do her some justice for certain. If I was less of an emotional cripple I would have gone back myself...no excuses...I just cannot bare such raw emotion in public...feeling it or seeing others experiencing it...

Yesterday was spent rearranging a few rooms around which ate the whole effing day to today I choose to putter, cook and then go to the gym after dinner when it will be dead...maybe I will try a treadmill with a TV...might even try the steam room...though I am sure I wouldn't last long.

The Y change room experience is always a total trip...I have always been pretty modest so it amazes me that ppl use the change room like their own person washrooms. I feel like such an alien in there...there is boob and muff EVERYWHERE and I try to go about my business but fml if I am not constantly distracted by all the blatant nudity.

Fake Boob/Fitness Model Lady especially...I am in awe of those strange gravity defiant boobs of hers...it is like they are being suspended by marionette strings...a mind of their own...UNTIL SHE BENDS OVER....when she leans over and the fake boob falls fwd it creates this bizarre pucker...like gathered curtains underneath. No one should see that...it looks too freaky.

I think I have a bit of a flow there now though....I have to sit in the lounge area in front of a fan for 15 mins after I am done to cool off so my brain can actually form thoughts again...I have never sweat so much in my life...it is so gross...I actually thought someone was spraying me with water the other day but it was just my own sweat gushing into my shoe. So gross...there will be no getting away with wearing a gym shirt more than once.

Miss A. was not extended at work....most ppl would be sad about this...but not her...she was smiling and already booked herself a ticket to Ecuador/Peru for 2 mths. She leaves Mar 23....returning May 22. Her 2 friends are already there and shes been moping and blah since they left last month so...shes suddenly skipping around, happy as can be. Today she is going to MEC to buy the perfect backpack and waterproof hiking shoes since she will be living out of a backpack for 2 months.

Why do I sound so calm you ask...? Well I am not...I am sickened at the thought of all that can go wrong when I am not in the vicinity to fix it...BUT....I also realize she is 19 and is going to do what she wants so all I can do is help her be as prepared as possible and try to shut my brain off. Ultimately I am happy she is going b/c it will be a life altering experience...one I want her to have...I WANT this for her..I always have wanted her to do the things like this...from the time she was a baby....I wanted her to get the travel bug...b/c I know if you do not do that stuff while you are young (due to finances, responsibilities, neurosis etc) you may never get to so do it while the getting is good. Really shitty things happen to ppl at home or abroad so...I have to remind myself that she is smart and I have brainwashed her thoroughly to trust no one...

It is Friday........

THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Deanna