ham

I lurve ham.
Salty pink goodness.
(that sounds dirty)
I just ate a fabulous ham sandwich for lunch...and little black plums...my favorite.

I get to babysit Shawn on Sunday after his hernia operation...I hope he wont be asking me to hold his penis for him as he pees again.

Tattoo is flakey and molty still...I like it more everyday though...it is so dark on my fish belly colored arm it looks like someone went ape shit with a fancy rubber stamp and ink.

Z-Man has a new music project on the go and I must say the jam bits I got to hear last night were fucking amazing...and I really hope it takes off as a band b/c it is kick ass.....

Ohhhh sweet jesus....tomorrow is gunna be such a kick...seriously all of us laid off peons are sitting back with snacks and watching the foreworks...b/c we expect HIGH DRAMA. I think i will bring plums and rice cakes haha
Guy is right, the state of unions is pretty insulting for all those ppl who fought tooth and nail for their existence...I am pretty sure that the union movement did not intend for unions to protect cry baby whiny assholes who use the union as a shield to be lazy and stir the pot at work.

It's hump day again and here I am humpless again on wednesday...this must come to an end...i need a permanent available hump at my disposal...that's all there is to it...it doesn't seem like so much to expect out of life. I think I am going to start being bold and brazen as shit to men I meet on the street who smile at me...that will teach them for being friendly to horny fat girls in public.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.......

OMG....the gross video store embarrassment date guy from a month ago...OMFG...he is still sending me nasty msgs calling me names...lol its so fucking amusing...that will teach me for being nice and avoiding being a mean bitch...i shoulda told him straight up he was disgusting and putrid and embarrassing (U know its bad if someone embarrasses ME with their public behaviour)...b/c being nice and not making him about him clearly didn't work hahahaha

FOR THE RECORD: my apologies to the Lesbians Across the effing Street who called me out on my use of the GAY word...I have been trying..i have but not hard enough apparently b/c they busted me in my own damn blog for using it...so I have to step up my efforts to avoid their wrath!!!!! SO GO AHEAD AND SHAME ME NOW U ANGRY LESBIANS!! GO AHEAD!!!!!!!!

(Note: if u read the use of gaylordfocker that is me avoiding using the term GAY hahaha)

The Eve of Chaos

tomorrow is the reorg announcement at work....

i expect ppl to be crying and tossing themselves from the windows...which will make all of us laid off ppl who plan to sit back with popcorn and watch the show very smug about ppl crying over HAVING secure jobs, just maybe not the ones they are used to or want.

assholes.

wow it's really bruised

I didn't think it would get all yellowy and bruised...sexy.
Look im wearing long sleeved xmas jammies...
funny that the gray swirlies are so red still...cousin kelly said hes was the same.
weird.

new moon on monday

what a day....I was in such a good mood yesterday after shopping for the 1st time in my life and actually being 2 sizes smaller that I decided to channel that good energy and do something I needed to do that I wasn't really wanting to do....

u know those decisions you KNOW must be made for self preservation reasons...b/c you feel like by not making them and letting shit ride you are just prolonging the inevitable and its more likely to end poorly....?

i don't do well with limbo as u all know...especially with human beings...i don't like having to guess where someone is in their head or decipher actions vs words...i simply am not a secure/laid back enough person to deal with that...I don't like 2nd guessing myself every 3 mins...so it was just time to clear the air and just say what needed to be said...

now back to this shopping thing...i have never shopped in my life and needed a smaller size...ever.
this was a turning point...i am validated...what im doing is working...and while i still have a ways to go its a good start....FINALLY.
my doctor will be ever so pleased!

i dunno what im doing today but I have to stay busy...to avoid the crash n burn...tattoo molting has started so its a lotion lotion lotion day....

sunday non-bloody sunday

get to wash the tattoo today....get all the excess ink and body bloody goo off....still red and puffy today but not quite as bad...
was a fairly mellow experience...Emily is a great gal...I'd be her friend...haha pain wasnt a factor...its uncomfortable but if u can carry on a conversation it isn't so bad....

afterwards arika and i wandered about downtown, did lunch...then i walked back home...and hung for a bit b4 going to see the time travellers wife...ok my gawd...i love eric bana...and damn thats a sad movie...wah wah wah...after i bolted outta there all teary and ghey i walked up to say HI to lisa...and meet the donna for a walk...came home and was blissfully satisfied with the day. gotta love that.

today im hanging with tracey and ardene for a bit to go see a flick tracey is dieing to see...
i should make my kid a good breakfast today...or take her out for breakfast...i wonder if she would go anywhere with me? lol i will offer...we could walk to alzu's or the apple tree...i bet she wont wanna...maybe ill tell her to bring her friend dylan, then maybe she will....probably not. haha

im going back to bed to nap i think.

puffy-red-backwards in the mirror

click on it 4 the big version...the swirly bits are a lighter gray shade....once its all healed up etc it should look pretty much how I was wanting...if I need anything tweeked I will go in in a few weeks and deal with that...

woot!

I am off to a flick and then a walk...

i am going

don't try to stop me...

im doing it...despite...massive amounts of fear and apprehension....& dont think the irony is lost on me....

fear is the mind killer....

Saturday Sept 26 2009

Tattoo day 2009 has arrived.

My night last night was kinda of....surreal somehow. Ayla worked til 1130pm...so I had the whole place to myself for 6 hrs...which isnt UNCOMMON, most of my nights are solo ones but last night...there was a vibe of some sort. Not a laundry doing vibe, not a Havana Nights vibe, not a spazzy cat vibe....just...something.

Now that the fog has lifted in my mind and the last 3+ months are being reflected on rather thoroughly I can look back and see things for what they are/were. There is nothing like 100% clarity to set your mind in motion for change. I will say - however - that maintaining my resolve for personal betterfication (I made that word up - I own it) over the last 3 months is somewhat of an unheard of miracle in my mind. At my worst, and this summer was incredibly unkind 2 my psyche, it usually induces all sorts of self destructive behavior & I think it is all gone...I think I am FINALLY at that place where I can separate the 2...it is a place I have been trying to get to for 20 yrs. Slow learner or what? Either way...it is a good thing...no place to go but up...leaving the bullshit behind.

I have been talking rather extensively with Michelle B lately about getting in ppls heads...
I am not so pompous that I grandly exclaim that I am in someones head and know how they work (I can say that b/c I think very very few ppl would really ever have any idea the shit that truly goes on in my head)...there are way too many variables and it takes a lot of passed time to be able to say that with any certainty...but discussing the intricacies of other ppl behaviors and such is MOST FASCINATING...and she is the ideal person to do it with in case u ever wanna haha

I am listening to the new Pearl Jam album, falling in love with them again...its the best one in a long while for me...I love their old stuff but the 2000+ material hasn't grabbed me and shook me like the stuff of old....this one is rocking my world though. Also the new Alice in Chains album...omshit...yes Layne's long gone but Jerry Cantrell was/is Alice in Chains and this album has really captured the sound and vibe 4 me...plus I have always loved Jerry, his solo stuff etc so this is a treat of treats.

I am feeling a very strong pull towards writing these days...not here...obviously but...I am finding if I don't scrawl things down as they enter my head they are gone forever and im missing out on exploring brain goo...I have always journaled and the last 6 mths have been very intense in that dept. I am already half way through my newest one and sometimes it takes me YEARS to fill one depending on whats going on and how much I write...I am feeling the urge to formalize it though which I never have before...and I am not sure what that will entail or what the results will be but...I think I will have to start it and see where it leads me...

Ayla just called me from her cell phone in her room and groggily said "Can you turn that down, its only 8 in the morning!!"
Oooops.

I feel VERY restless today...not sure why...might be a blow off steam night...better see whats going on around town...

Sept 25 2009 Friday

I had a great night....
I started off with some dinner...then a cheesie movie on tv (now I am in love with another Mexican boy...gawddammit!! Marry me Diego Luna)...
then I started to stream the new Matt Good album b/c I have been trying to catch the hour+ interview with him and Alan Cross that comes up randomly on the stream....and I finally got it! OMFG it was like melted butter on a nipple you lick off in midst of pure lust listening to those 2 fucking genius's chat and banter....serious BONER, not even kidding.
Got all my laundry done so I don't have to worry about it for the weekend...

Tomorrow is tattoo day...12 noon...worst tattoo fear is while doing a fine line of great importance she will be struck with a massive non-stoppable sneeze and FUCK MY STUFF UP....gawd can u imagine?

OH MY SHIT Cassie just called me from the Pearl Jam concert in Vancouver....I am listening to Eddie Vedder sing me BETTER MAN right now......I cannot believe how good he sounds SINGING TO MEEE!!!!!!!! even over a crackly cell phone!!!!! Ohhh Cassie you are getting a big present for this! Amazing...now I am really sad I didn't go....SOB! wahahhahaaaaaaaaaaa

Sept 23 2009 Wednesday

I am tired.
I am eating vanilla yogurt.
I am getting a tattoo on Saturday afternoon.
I am secretly glad to be laid off/possibly placed elsewhere in gov't, the ppl I work with are rejects (aside from a handful) and also the new part time loan program is hideous and im happy not to have to deal with that piece of crap my whole life.
I am extra tired now and going to crawl into my bed.
I am getting a new old bed and am quite excited to have a queen size bed!! (thanks Maggie, I love it when my family upgrade to new stuff and I get their old crap that's better than the crap I have hahha)

last sick day

I don't care how I feel tomorrow or if I get no sleep tonight I am going to work b/c I cannot bare the boredom of being home sick another day which to me is indicative of the fact I am not that sick then....

Talked to my Aunty Cathy this morning...always a good hour/hour and a half of phone chat getting caught up and such.

The Stone Temple Pilots are coming to Victoria Nov. 7th.

Yes that's right the same night as Matt Good which is too bad b/c I have not seen them before and would actually like to...but not as much as I wanna see MG of course...*blasphemy*...it is a drag though that its the same night. They have a strong catalogue of music so even without new material out it would be worth seeing...Scott Weiland slithering about on stage would be good, the boy can sing.

1st day of fall today....wouldn't know it....sunny and pleasant...I love how its cooled off though...it makes walking a total pleasure. Yesterday I went on a small walk to a mailbox...and then hit the store bc I had a hankering for a carrot/orange juice and I picked up a bag of BAKED salt & vinegar chips...they were ok but i still couldn't eat them really....this pleases me. I tried to drink a can of pepsi the other day and couldn't finish it (keep me away from fountain pop though...that shit is my downfall)...

Oh and never try to make oatmeal whilst coughing...yesterday I was trying to get the brown sugar outta the container and it wound up coming out all at once in the bowl, in the utensil drawer, on the floor....fuck. That's what u feel like doing when yer sick, cleaning brown sugar out of every fucking crevice in the kitchen.

Lovely apartment cupboards hey? I have yet to escape these hideous things since I moved to Victoria...all 3 apartments I have lived in have these hideous fake wood cupboards, all peeling and disgusting....the next move I make WILL BE INTO A NICER APARTMENT WITH PROPER CUPBOARDS. That is the rule...if I wasn't so adverse to moving I'd move NOW because rents are slightly lower with the big vacancy rate which is not typical for Victoria.....as it is I pay the most rent in this building (950.00) and I can assure you it is NOT the nicest apartment in the bldg.

FIREMAN KELLY is back from France! WOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Oh and I just experienced a genuine I AM NOT TAKING THIS PERSONALLY moment in life...I take most shit personally...but today....NOPE. Not my issue. Not my problem. Fuck yeah....I am the FUCK YOU grrl...HA!

Sept 22 2009

I am taking one more day off tomorrow to get this cold under control...it is boring as shit being home sick, I would actually rather be at work if u can believe that... <--this shocked me today as I wandered aimlessly around the house coughing my face off.

I am missing cool shit this week...tonight I missed seeing a show at the Tudor *Sidney York* - my sister knows her and really wanted me to go but...I just am in no shape for that sadly...
Friday is Pearl Jam in Vancouver....wahhhhhhhhh....Ryan McMahon is Sunday in Duncan....missing that too...all in the name of having to make choices and being a grown up...RUDE! So long as I get my Matt Good fix Nov 7th I dont care.

Ever get tired of selling yourself out? There is a fine line between acceptance and selling yourself short. I have not quite mastered it yet. As someone who demands acceptance it seems reasonable to be able to dole that out to others to avoid being a hypocrite...right? But sometimes at the end of it you shake your head and ask yourself at what point does being accepting change from that to compromising your own needs and wants? It is a very blurry line...I guess when it starts to feel ICKY that's a good indication....

On to other ranting:

I love it when ppl claim to be honest and straight forward as a rule but really all it is is a way to justify being a neurotic assfuck when the mood strikes.
I also love it when ppl claim to be all communicative and mature but can't have a conversation about something they may be slightly uncomfortable with without being a hurtful cunt.

Yes I love that.

I especially love it when ppl use honesty as a tool to be a cruel & rude with no regard for anyones feelings but their own at that moment.
That is my favorite.

Lucky for me I am done taking this shit personally in life (I am far too fond of myself) and tend to accept that ppl in general are selfish heartless assholes.

The End.

cruel cruel mistress

I am currently in the thick of a cold/flu episode, complete with the death cough, snot flying everywhere and all that other awesome shit I so enjoy about 2x a year...

But is that enough? Have I maxed out on my misery quota for this month...? Ohhhh goodness no....Ms Conklin is tough, she can endure immeasurable misery and it wont kill her so lets toss yer period into the mix as well today and really see what that girl is made of...

Ohhh yes.............I am queen of the fucking world right now...the only good thing about all of this is the coughing is distracting me from anything I feel from the waist down (this is awesome!)...

I tried to watch RUNNING WITH SCISSORS this morning...couldn't do it. I loved the book...but I hate the visual of the movie...so I am getting rid of the movie. I don't even want it in my house.
PRETTY IN PINK is on tv...that's what I need...Molly Ringwald to help guide me through this time of uteral maiming.

Last night my cocktail of no-name cold and flu tablets combined with a neo citron (its all about the timing, you gotta take the tablets and let them just start working, then guzzle the neo citron) left me a walking zombie...I swear my head was bobbing as I walked into my bedroom and i was asleep ALL NIGHT NO WAKING UP in about 45 seconds.

It was magical.

The only thing making my throat feel good right now is swallowing food and this bothers me...b/c I don't really have anything to eat hahahaha Maybe ill make popcorn so I can have those annoying little crusty things stuck in my throat all day. Sweet.

Don't think I will be making it to work tomorrow...voice is pretty much gone and talking for 4 hrs on the phone sucks ass while trying not to cough...so...yeah...I am done being a martyr for that cause now anyway b/c it certainly hasn't gotten me anywhere.

Next post.....Jennifer's Masturbatorium Inventory....stay tuned.

Sept 18 2009

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.

Sylvia Plath

Aint that the truth.

Another 4 am wake up today...strange and annoying.

I think - providing no disasters befall me in the near future - I have weathered this extended Jen Brain Rough Patch....it has been an unkind 3 months to my fragile yet steady as she goes psyche...the kind where you daydream about Prozac of days gone by...recalling how it was, even if ever so fleeting, to feel even & unraw.
I ponder often the dispositions ppl are born with/grow into via life experience etc...the combination of each. Interesting to see how different people gravitate to different things, behaviours, lifestyles, addictions, quirks....
Its like the lottery really...whether you will win or lose...eventually you just chose to be a winner or a loser though if you are worth your salt.

Matt Good tickets came in the mail already....holy hump! Fast and lovely! It warms my heart.

My kid was a 1st class jerk this morning before leaving at 530 to go to hot yoga...yeah u read that right, left at 530 am!
Anyway...it is always a pleasure to feel the need to point something incredibly obvious out to her that she is ignoring only to be met with a giant GO EFF YERSELF of sorts. Awwww the joy is this parenting business...pure blissful joy. Good thing nothing can kill me.

One more day of work today...then I can spend my Saturday and Sunday growing massive amounts of lung better and watch movies, drink water and cough myself to death. My experiment to exercise the shit out of myself to see if it wards off my usual severe chest cold bullshit is still on but....too early to tell if it is making a difference or not.

Work is gay as ever...while I do quite love my job I friggin hate the dynamic of the unit and will not miss the petty bullshit that gets tossed around there. I have been assigned a placement worker who is in charge of trying to find me a lateral transfer in another ministry...fingers crossed...

ELMO - Holly McNarland

I think Holly McNarland should tour opening for Matt Good please and thank you...I would love to see her live...she is one of my favorite artists...

wonders never cease

WOW. Spotted a gray arm hair this morning....thought I would share the wonderment with you all....

I blame the pre-sale ticket purchase yesterday for that.

I have been up since 4 fucking am...no reason.

Chest cold commencing on schedule sadly. I fear there is no stopping it but I am gunna still try to exercise it out of me.

After this month I am going to become a $ hording animal...I am gunna turn into an old lady who lived through the depression of the 30's and saves saran wrap and tin foil in the fridge like my grandparents used to do.

After a meeting the other day regarding placement within another gov't ministry it struck me that while I am crossing my fingers for that to happen there are a lot of employees at my same level that were laid off and I am just not confident there are enough of those level of jobs for all of us to get placed in.

Other ministries are hording the empty positions they have IN CASE there is "bumping" (3+ yr employees have the option to BUMP under 3 yr employees and take their jobs, which is only awesome if u are an over 3 yr employee which I am not so theoretically I could get placed and get bumped anyhow...GAY)...while I understand the hording job thing it licks bc if bumping isn't an issue and the 8 jobs at the Ministry of _____ & _____ just sit there and are not added to the vacancy list that's 8 ppl potentially out of work at the end of Dec and THAT IS UNCOOL when those jobs need to be filled and that ministry is paying OVERTIME to get their workload don't currently....and YES u can be sure I am going to be voicing that to the Exec. Director in an email today.

Must go eat.

jesus luvs me

Matty Good tickets PURCHASED! Not without a lot of drama though.

1st off u all know how spastic I am ANYWAY but when it comes to buying concert tickets I shit the bed. This time was WEIRD b/c there were 2 PRE-SALES just to fuck shit up....I didn't find this out until AFTER I already started trying to get tickets using TOMORROWS pre-sale password...can you say OH LOOK JEN JUST LET A TURD GO IN HER DRAWERS.

I frantically logged on to the awesome Matt Good forum that I frequent looking to see of someone posted today's pre-sale password...THEY DID!. It was HOLLYWOOD. Tomorrows is VANCOUVER in case yer interested.

Anyway...logged back on to the ticket thinger...typing like a mofo...ROW H!!!!!! arggggggg NOOOOO that's the shits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RELEASE!!!!!!!

try again.....ROW H....fuck that!

RELEASE......

fuck around a little more.......by this time I can feel every hair on my head turn GRAY.....

then....

angels began to sing..........

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

LOWER BALCONY, CENTER, FRONT ROW (A)!!

{resume angels and harps}

SOLD!!!!!!

I was limited to how many seats due to time, $ and the fact I was at work (oops) etc but....gawd damn not bad.

I have never done a show on the balcony but I think this will be sweet.

Thank gawd that is over....sweet jesus I am a wreck over that shit. I need to relax.

I feel myself getting sick....I am experimenting with this new thing wondering if I force myself to keep exercising like a mofo if it'll kill the germ faster......ill let u know.

Ayla is settling into school nicely...she ditched FOODS class for TEXTILES....and is trying out for dance troupe tomorrow at noon....woohoo...im sure shes a show in...I am slightly bias but who cares! She likes both her dance teachers this year...this is her 1st year trying Modern....and shes already been bumped up to intermediate hiphop this year which is VERY COOL bc it means no more classes with the little runts and the year end show with the older kids...woohoo.

RE: tattoo ~ ok final 2 choices.....all lower case.....

or capitals....I am leaning to the capitals bc I like the swirliness of it....

tomorrow I meet with the gal to discuss what artistic flare she can inject to make it not look like a computer font.

still have time to chicken out (Sept 26) but that would be INCREDIBLY LAME considering the message. lol

EMI

as u know i am a spazz whilst trying to buy concert tickets.

last night i realized there is a pre sale for MG tix....but id rec'd no email from anywhere to get the CODE so i started to hunt 4 it....i think i got it but bc its not OFFICIAL im nervous bc i will SHIT THE FUCKING BED if it all goes sideways and need to be taken by ambulance to the Eric Martin Institute for a "rest."

*why u gotta smoke like that mr good......why!?*

still fighting off a cold attempting to kick my ass....must...not....let...i..t...w.in.......i feel it taking over though...

a slight cough has developed....FML.

ayla went to HOT YOGA last night...ever heard of it....CLICK HERE

ive never heard of anything so gross...lol but she really liked it and theyre buying a student special...20 visits for 70.00 (not bad!) but i cant imagine paying to be in an excessively hot room and exercising. lol

she also FINALLY found herself a slickery type of COAT...its a friggin miracle!

look at the lovely cassie!!! radiating momminess!!! (i forgot how big that tattoo was!!! so lovely)

tonight may be my HACK DOWN THE FENNEL ON THE SIDEWALK NIGHT OF STEALTH CHOPPING.

death by fennel

Ppl grow a lot of fennel around here (or it grows itself)...the next walk I go on at night im taking giant scissors and am planning to RAPE this one particular bush of it I have to walk past 2 times a day that is overgrowing the sidewalk so bad that I can't bare it any longer. The smell of cutting it will likely kill me (I dry heave just thinking about it) but whatever.

I walked myself dead as a mule last night...I am stiff and brokenish this morning but it's all good. I needed to exorcise with some exercise....plus its harder to cry when u are huffing and puffing and trying hard to not fall down bc u are walking so fast...cannot WAIT for this near 3 month low spell to pick itself the fuck up and move on. I think I have got to be good for the year now. Oh the conflict...my well adjusted humorous facade vs the true mess that is my head...when will you meld and just "be"?

But whatever - Matt Good's coming! I soooo soooooo sooooooo needed to hear that news...my life seems void of fun right now...everything so dire...Ayla, work, boys aren't even fun right now and I can assure you the hunt for boys is less than fun ahahahahahahaaaaa My gawd my Saturday date attempt was HORRIFIC. I could not escape fast enough. I spent almost 1.5 hrs listening to him talk AT me. I tuned out for most of it and could bc I knew he was never going to ask me a question so I could keep nodding and daydreaming about the chronic state of my spinsterhood - WHICH WAS LOOKING VERY APPEALING LET ME TELL U! lol

Being single is looking not so bad again. My singleness tends to be of an extended nature which I am hoping to avoid b/c lets face it....I am not getting any younger...I turn 39 shortly and have yet to forge any great relationship milestones for myself as of yet...this is not typical by this age...and yes I know, I am not typical, whatever. It does bother me, like I have to prove im capable of it or something...mainly b/c I am not sure I am.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just when I was starting to give up....just as I was pondering tossing myself in front of a bus or drinking bleach...

THIS HAPPENS!!!!


Nov 5th Matthew Good in Nanaimo, BC Port Theatre
Age restrictions: All Ages. Buy Tickets. Box office: (250) 754-8550. Address: 125 Front Street. On sale: Friday Sept 18 @ 11am

Nov 6th Matthew Good in Duncan, BC Cowichan Community Theatre
Age restrictions: All Ages. Box office: (250) 748-7529. Address: 2687 James Street. On sale: Friday Sept 18 @ 10am

Nov 7th Matthew Good in Victoria, BC McPherson Playhouse
Age restrictions: All Ages. Buy Tickets. Box office: 1 (888) 717-6121. Address: No. 3 Centennial Square. On sale: Friday Sept 18 @ 10am. Tickets available online as well at livenation.com

Sept 14 2009

Ayla's coming home from school...her traditional death hack is making school a little too challenging today...that is her thing...when she gets sick, she gets this death hack that is something to be in awe of...coming from such a little person shes like a death metal band dream singer. lol No other symptoms though...its weird...Me - I get the death hack, the snot faucet nose, cement head, headache, achy grossness...the full meal deal.

Anyway...half way through September already...time sure flies when the job countdown is on. hahahahaha <--that is my crazy lady laugh I think im having a midlife crisis. Fuck. How typical and common of me. I thought i was better than that. Sometimes I am irritated by how truly non-unique I am. Which is why I love the quote from Fight Club so much: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.


Zak & I are talking again...it was very apparent to me after 10 days that not talking to him was bothering me way more than I realized.
Just gotta keep a level head and carry on with my mission...to avoid the mindfuck potential of it and stay open.

I think im gunna go get some loose ends tied up here...Have an appointment later so I wanna get some crap off in the mail to ppl....

5 Yrs Ago

Awwwwwwwwwww....Guy still had this card Ayla made me 5 yrs ago on his old computer and sent it to me...

YAY!

I was not impregnated by Matthew Good in my dream on Friday night....

WHEW!

Sept 12 2009

Up at 6 am on a Saturday....awesome. This pattern is becoming most annoying.


I did however have my 1st dream ever where I made out with Matthew Good...I don't generally think of him that way but I listened to this (14 min interview with Jian Ghomeshi) before going to bed and that was the trigger...either way he is a fantastic kisser in my mind and has really soft leg skin. ha ha ha Keep in mind I'd make out with a rake if it was nice to me right now haha

He didn't even mind that I had my infant daughter (who was not Ayla) at a concert we were both attending.

{I have just been struck with the most hideous fear that I am pregnant and it is making me feel quite sick even though I know I am not...I will probably go buy a pee stick today to funeralize that irrational fear of mine.}

Saturday neurosis aside...I am loving the new Matthew Good record...what I love about MG the most is I don't affiliate it with anyone....It is all mine. None of his songs remind of any dirt bag guy or a shitty time in my life...the only real connection to a person I have is that my brother loved the MGBand way back and met them etc. Its beautiful...I hate it when bands or songs remind me of ppl...like the Ms Genova song by Tin Foil Phoenix...

I fucking LOVE that song cuz for shits sake its about Bruce and I and Bruce sent it to me...Duh! The lyrical significance is ridiculous...so whenever I play it (and I do b/c I love it mainly b/c its a variation of my name and I have some weird fascination with my name in songs...don't ask me why...) it's a torturous trip down memory lane.

I am not letting the Zak fiasco as of late ruin my Metallica love, mainly bc I have loved Metallica since high school so that trumps boy stuff but I am working hard to not let the band Down be ruined over it either. Eventually it will be all good b/c that band is too good to let boy germs wreck it. I miss boy germs.

I am having hive issues right now...wtf that's about I dunno...hands & face. BRING ON THE LEPROSY UNIVERSE! I CAN TAKE IT! ITS JUST ONE MORE LOG TO ADD TO THE PILE OF SHIT THAT IS LIFE! WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!! How's that for uplifting spirit?!!

I am shockingly managing to maintain my dedicated drive 2 exercise & eating proper. I am not sure any of u understand the true victory this is at the moment b/c I am NOT in the ideal head space that is generally conducive to taking care of myself...in fact it is usually the trigger for full on apathy and emotional detachment...I would love to emotionally detach from myself right now....TRUST ME...but 4 some reason...it is not happening.

OO OOO OOOOO my little sister is coming to visit Nov 16-23!!! JUST ME ME ME!!!! ALL FOR MEEEE!!!!!!! Rob will be here too but he is staying with friends of his I think so it will be mostly me and Kimmy hanging out...torturing Ayla. ha!
I think Aunty Cathy is coming sometime in Nov too....overlap would be fun...not sure if when she will be here though, must inquire. HOW COOL IS THAT!!!! Kim & Cathy in the same month!?!!!

I dunno wtf I am doing this weekend....I have 3 days off...I am still getting half assed sick...Ayla is coughing crappily and convinced she has swine flu....no matter how much I tell her to stop buying into media hype.

Sept 10 2009 - Meh

My throat is trying to get sore...
I will try to will it away.
Not that I have anything better to do than have a sore throat BUT I don't like the potential chest cold that could follow and will do damn near anything to avoid that.

Not surprised by my immune systems turn on me...it's been an intense few weeks and I am certainly all over the damn map. I think it is time for me this weekend to sit down on my couch and just watch a Mighty Boosh marathon of funniness. That's right...Vince Noir will lighten my mood, if anyone can, he can. I have been avoiding "stillness" lately, trying to keep moving, busy and unthinking...getting shit done...participating in mindless conversation as a distraction from myself.

Everyone needs to send Barb a mental hug please...he only daughter Eva just moved to BC from AB to attend UBC (kick ass Eva!) and Barb is experiencing empty next psycho-trauma...as one would expect. I always talk shit about how once Ayla's old enough and leaves home I will be in my glory, truth is I will likely be a friggin basket case b/c...well...just because. haha So...Barb...I am sorry...there is no greater pain than the pain caused by your kids, no matter what the scenario.

This ones for Barb: Weird Cat Video



I rented a few Little Britain dvds last week at the urging of about 4 people who have been telling me for ages I *NEED* to watch them...I never got to it but I am gunna keep them for this weekend...I don't enjoy comedy near as much when watching it solo...it is just not as funny as feeding off the laughter and reaction of someone else...but gawd dammit...I will get it done!

Sept 9 2009

this morning my hair towel was on so tight I got to look at myself as if I had a face lift...and it was no inspiring hahahahaha

went and saw the movie EXTRACT with Donna on the w/e and Gene Simmons was in it and jesus christ...he really shouldn't have had that face lift...he looks even weirder now...it was amusing, the movie i mean....

school fees are rolling in....gawddddddd 50 bucks for a yearbook! INSANE ROBBERY! i feel raped but will pay b/c gawd knows the kid who doesn't get a yearbook (that was usually me in school) always feels like a turd.

my reformat went fine but man it takes a long while to tweak your stuff to get it how u like it...im having a few issues that will have to wait til the w/e i think...my mp3 player charges but isnt being read as a storage device so i cant add new cds on to it and that JUST WILL NOT DO.

long weekend for me again this weekend...woot! woot! my previous friday plans have been canceled and ive made other plans...
the problem with having previously (how shall i describe it...) "spent time" with a certain someone who is a music glutton and in 4 bands around town is that usually one of the fucking bands is playing at most events i want to go to...which is going to be annoying for the next month or so until indifference takes over 100%...im about 50% there now...maybe 75% actually...

i heard a RUMORRRRRRRRRR that Puscifer MAY be coming to victoria and it makes me EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD...if my pretend husband Maynard James Keenan comes here i simply must go!

its a rainy walk to work today...the weather has turned....:o) makes it nicer for walking hard when its cooler alright.......ok im fucking boring.

oh yeah...

FUCK YOU.

woot! woot!

Happy birthday to my lovely man-friend Guy!

Thanks for making down your moms birth canal in tact and alive.

xoxoxox

themes

today I busted every nail on my right hand off in a laundry bucket pulling accident....its taken me a month to regrow them after the last nail busting incident.
it is hard to keep my right hand in fingernails it seems....left hand, not a problem.

least i dont bite em anymore...

i just met someone recently from powell river here in victoria and we knew all the same hoodlums back in the day but never managed to meet each other...that's SO funny to me b/c PR was such a small place and the hoodlum crowd so concentrated...its been funny updating them on who is dead, who turned out to be a pedophile and who went on the straight n narrow...in turn i get to hear funny stories of botched robberies and general chaos...which always entertains me.

the new Matthew Good album stream of VANCOUVER is divine....this album is addressing the issue of vancouvers down and outs that are ignored by the city and most ppl in general...there is nothing better than a MG album with a political agenda and a message worth sharing....thats right NOTHING...that includes a moderately large cock ....b/c an album is always a sure thing on every level...every level indeed.

i havent been phone chatty to all u family out there possibly feeling like im quiet these days...so much has gone on....such great stuff with ayla this weekend...im talking earth-shattering good shit...work is an uncomfortable nightmare now...so i go and plow through the days just wanting the limbo to end.
everyday i go im just pining for a call or email about a placement...that's it.
the sooner that happens the better 4 my psyche...if it doesn't happen...well im not going there just yet...it'll work itself out.

today feels like going to a movie downtown day.....

flood

It is a remarkable feeling to have someone you love - for the 1st time ever - pour their feelings out to you with raw honesty. You can taste the trust in the air when this happens. Even through their anger, sadness & hopelessness you can see the light that will come from the exchange and it helps you guide their tender selves towards it. You can't fix it by any means but it is such a healthy step, regardless of how it came about, that while you lay heartbroken in your bed reliving all your choices and decisions you know that this admission and ultimate release of festering rage will only help in moving past it...freeing that someone of a lifetime of pain a lot sooner than you yourself were able to move past it.

Needless to say I was up very late last night and it feels like I was at a kegger this morning...my mind is going to reel today, scrambling to process...dissect it all 100x over...put a game plan together...what a shift...a complete shift.

hahhaa

Today at work we were called into a meeting...if I have known what KIND of meeting it was I would have been in the bathroom with fake diarrhea hiding....
We had to go in and talk about what's been going on at work: the lay offs, and the crazy fuck who has been calling and threatening to kill himself via self immolation if his son cant get a loan...

Needless to say I bowed outta that whole conversation fairly quickly...it felt like a really lame version of intervention....

I am falling asleep....its exhausting being ignored. Good night!

Sept 4 2009

I am looking fwd to a laid back weekend....going to reformat my computer...out with the old and in with the new! See a movie...do some painting, make some phone calls to the auntie's, walking, baseball tossing, crazy freaky badminton, I think I will walk to a coffee shop far away from my house and sit down for a tea and read my book...who knows...all I know is school's almost in and this makes me delighted!

We had a union rep person come in yesterday...it was friggin hilarious b/c while we had a regular old meeting about how this whole lay off/placement thing is going to work and the HR ppl were in attendance it was boring and agonizing...as soon as they left the union rep started ranting and it was good stuff! She was honest about it all and was not sugar coating anything and got her opinion out there so it was pretty entertaining.

Apparently Gordon Campbell's approval rate is 17% currently. I think he should be happy to have 17% b/c I cant find one person who is a Campbell fan.

Must get bbq propane on the way home today gawd dammit!!! I have steak calling my name in the freezer for this weekend...

Cousin Kelly's dog Gibson died the other day, I will spare you the gory details but it was very very sad....Madelyn thinks he has gone to live on the island with new people with a big yard so he can run around crazy, that's a nice version for her I think....Hope yer okay Kelly! xo

I love it when Matt Good is off doing press for an upcoming record b/c that means 1) it is coming out SOON!!!! and 2) he will be here for a show soon!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

Sept 3 2009

Numbers and time...I am a little OCD about numbers and time...like my 30 day limit with boys....the 30 day limit is alive and well...lucky for me I had the type of childhood where disconnecting from people comes easily a lot of the time...I never forget about them and always cherish them but one thing I can do like nobody's business is detach...

Today has been so fucking weird...I blame the full moon honestly....yes that's it.

Received an email from Ayla's dad a mere 13 mths after she visited him last year...it was long too...telling me about all the fun stuff he's been doing and lying as he does about a pile of other things he doesn't think I already know...I am not even replying, mainly because: A) I have enough stress in my life right now that I do not need his selfish cunt of a personality leeching me of any energy B) I am not interested in what he is doing in the slightest C) I just plain do not give a flying fuck about him.

I am through with emotionally leeching men...on every level. I recognize the *me* in this...my part in it...my willingness to surrender myself (this is not sexual whatsoever u perverts) as a show of proof that I am capable of dismantling my own walls for the right person...I get this...
but at the same time I am not owning it all...I am not responsible for other ppls motives, agendas or hang ups...just my own...

I am concentrating on me...my ingrate child and my job. I am willing myself to get a placement through work...I don't even care where...I will slap mashed potatoes onto hospital dinner trays for 22 bucks an hour...and the sooner I get a placement the better...I have started the preening process...CROSS YER DAMN FINGERS PPL...

And me...well im on such a good roll that I am not letting any of this shit get me down...I am shrinking...and I am not stopping for anything no matter how bad carbicide is knocking at my door.

Ayla's starting school soon - OH THANK YOU GAWD IN HEAVEN - and then there will be a semblance of routine and order back in this house...

ok not fired but the 4 mth lay off notices were given out to 23 ppl yesterday, myself included.
our total office is 100 ppl so that is a REALLY big chop chop.

they try to place you in other open govt jobs b4 then so thats what i am hoping happens.
may be a great thing in the end, getting out of the unit im in (very dysfunctional) but it seems sad b/c its taken me a year to become useful and now all that learning is down the toilet....as it is fairly specific to this position...
anyway....
it is what it is....

i had a really shitty day yesterday bc u all know how well i deal with more than 1 issue at a time...!!!! hahaha

have also decided to back way off the boy issue...while i adore him and will remain friends and such (wink wink) for reasons of self preservation i cannot allow myself to think he will ever be emotionally available the way i require so...i am gunna be a big girl and just go from there...i really am at a place in life where i want a real boyfriend...and not someone i hope can schedule me in...i have finally hit that place where i demand to be cherished lol so if u know someone witty, funny, smart, not fatty phobic and isnt addicted to anything think of me.

FUCK MY LIFE new favorite website (thank you Lisa!!)

off to work....aka the funeral home.
jesus christ.

amazing....

absolutely fucking amazing....

i do not wanna talk about it.